Advice on improving sex drive

[Madyzlotty]

I'm hoping for some advice on improving my sex drive. I'm 35F and have absolutely zero desire to have sex with my DP.

We have been together for 5 years, and have 1 child age. We've probably had sex 10 times in 2 years.

I think there's lots of factors at play here but I'm don't know how to articulate that to him, or improve it;

• I've gained some weight and don't love my body anymore, I'm dieting and exercising to improve this.

• We have zero day to day affection, no kissing or even a hand on the shoulder while cooking or whatever.

• I don't receive any words of affirmation or compliments from DP.

• When we do have sex, it takes quite a long time for him to finish which ends up being uncomfortable (I'd be happy with quickies here and there!)

• He's tired, dog tired, from the hours he works and can be quite grumpy. He does help around the house and with DC, I'd say the split is about 80% me and 20% him but I am at home more than he is.

• He frequently "ignores" me when I'm chatting away which feels quite hurtful, but I don't know if I'm just talking too much.

• If he does initiate, he essentially pounces on me randomly, which could be seen as romantic and passionate but when we barely breathe next to each other on a day to day basis it can be quite jarring.

• I feel awful but this past week I've found myself avoiding being in close proximity to him just in case he tries to initiate.

• I have some vitamin deficiencies recently diagnosed which I'm now supplementing in the hope I feel better/more energetic.

• I have very heavy periods, and I'm unsure if this could be a hormonal problem?

I really don't know what to do, I'd say overall our relationship is mostly a happy one. We don't argue or fight, but it's very much a functional relationship at the moment as opposed to a loving one.

Show him your post. You've articulated very well here.

Thank you, I'm worried he will feel attacked as the points in my post feels very one sided. He's also very adverse to confrontation and has a tendency to clam up which is difficult as something which should be a big chat turns into a 5 minute job and then we move on

A very wise friend once said 'sex starts a long way away from the bedroom door'. Touching, chatting, being listened to feeling appreciated, told that you're fanciable. All these things matter.

Also possibly some lube might help you to feel more comfortable when you actually have sex/

So tweak it, take out the less 'attacking' comments and make them more neutral.

'I'm not always up for long sex sessions as they can become physically uncomfortable for me but 'quickies' here and there would be great!'

He's going to have to work on his communication style if he wants to improve the relationship.

There's no intimacy in your relationship and no emotional connection. Most people need a connection, they need to feel close to their partner to want sex with them as it's an extension of their feelings.

You can't put no effort into your relationship and then pounce on your partner for sex. Does he meet your needs in bed? Sounds like he's not really doing it for you and you'd rather just get it over with.

You can't have a relationship with someone you can't communicate with.

I really wouldn't show him the post, sorry. My dh once blurted something blunt out about our sex life and it took ten years for me to get over it.

I'd see a doctor about the heavy periods.

I'd start to reintroduce hugs and kisses. And be quite clear if he takes it further whether you feel you could be up for it or not. 'Slow down' could be good words - give desire the chance to show up but don't let him have the pace all his own way. And never be afraid to stop.

Have a think about anything that would make you feel physically easier or more aroused. I'm afraid I do use written erotica to start things off for myself.

Find a time to spend with him that isn't sexual. Go to the pub, try to reconnect.

Suggest you read Come as you are by Emily Nagoski, and then share the relevant parts with him, particularly the parts on accelerators/ brakes. Talk to him about what you could both do that might help shift the balance in favour of sex.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'm taking them all on board.

Without wanting to drip feed, he used to watch porn a lot and I suspect he still does (understandable if we're not having sex), but I do think this contributes to what sex looks like for us and why it can take so long.

Is it reasonable for me to ask him to reduce the frequency of him watching, to try to improve our real life interaction?

Sounds like a partner problem rather than a sex drive problem. I'm sure you'd be up for it if you were not a domestic slave (and therefore had down time to recharge etc) and he was affectionate and treated you well.

I wouldn't want to shag someone who ignored me, either 😬

You could ask him, but, in my experience that won't work as he will probably carry on watching, just be more secretive about it.

Some couples watch porn together - but that doesn't make up for the <supposedly> small things like holding hands, listening to you when you are talking, touching your bum as he goes past you, saying 'nice arse' when you bend over, telling you how lucky he is to have a gorgeous sexy wife/partner like you, bringing you a cup of tea in bed & saying 'you have a lie-in I'll give the kids breakfast & take them to the park' without expectation any of these things will lead to sex.

Interesting you use the word “improve” - you seem to have accepted that your sex drive is at fault here. And I suspect he thinks this way too.

Does he want to have a loving, mutually enjoyable intimate time with the person he likes and loves most in the world, or does he want to stick his dick into somewhere and pump till he comes?

His technique is at fault. Until he realises that nothing will change.

I had some improvement taking l-arginine supplements.

Although having read your post, it sounds like you aren't being given a comfortable environment in which to enjoy sex or the thought of sex.

Zero affection, compliments or connection (he ignores you). It’s him not your sex drive!! Plus the sex sounds rubbish (for you) too. If you’re both dog tired it’s hard to work on things realistically. I think I’d explain to him that you need the connection and affection to want sex. Let him know that’s how you feel at least.