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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting myself about emotional abuse.

6 replies

Follyfoot47 · 19/04/2025 02:47

Hoping for some words of wisdom. I've thought for a long time my marriage was not healthy. Long story short I've had it confirmed that he has been emotionally abusive by several peolple that I've spoken to. I am beginning to realise that the way he has been and the things he has said are cruel and unkind and really not my fault. I told him many times his behaviour was upsetting me, making me feel worthless, anxious and that everything I did was wrong.
We have seperated. The problem I have is that he is adamant that none of it was as bad as I remember. He can be forgiven for a few outbursts and that I have forgotten all the good. That maybe he was pushed to say those things because I wasn't making enough effort etc. Sorry but... He has started counselling and says that sometimes he has been triggered by me and counsellor says we should have discussed things more openly he had no idea I felt like this. Although I have always said. Neighbours have heard a lot over the years and categorically say he's a bully. Oldest child says he is horrible to me. So why am I so confused, why am I thinking i'm 100% right one day and then doubting myself hours later? I thought I only needed my concerns confirmed once by someone to move forward but it seems I need this confirmed to me time and time again. When will it sink in properly? He has made me feel incredibly guilty about breaking the family up and he's upset, I'm to blame. I've taken it too far etc. I feel like I'm gaslighting myself. Is this normal in a situation like this. What should I do?

OP posts:
TheGhostOfPatButcher · 19/04/2025 04:31

Well he would say that wouldn't he.

Have a really good think about all the horrible things he's said and done to you over the years. Write them all down. Every time you remember another one, write it down. Have a read through them every time you wonder if you are recalling things right.

The problem with abusers and therapy is that they learn to twist it to abuse you further. Remember that his therapist can only go on the version of accounts he is giving. I'm sure you can imagine what that might be.

IME it is not an easy thing for a woman to make the decision to end a marriage when there are children involved. I'm pretty sure you will have had very good reason.

Trashpalace · 19/04/2025 05:40

Physical abuse damages a person physically. Emotional abuse hurts a person emotionally. Psychological abuse hurts and damages a person's thinking.

In your situation he has been messing with your thinking about what reality is, and what you describe is that he is still relentlessly undermining what you know is true, and he is now using psychobable and what he has learned from counselling to further batter your thinking.

Your confusion is evidence that you have been subject to psychological abuse.

Think about it this way, if he was not abusing you psychologically and it was a regular relationship that needed to end would you be feeling so confused? You wouldn't. What if he was physically abusing you but not psychologically abusing you - would you feel confused or conflicted? No, it would be clear you need to leave. (Note: physical abuse is usually accompanied by psychological abuse, so this is just a hypothetical question to help you see the harm he has done to your thinking).

If can be helpful to say to yourself "the fact I am feeling confused is evidence that I was psychologically abused. And I was being abused for (x) years in my marriage/relationship and now I am starting to recover my own thoughts" or something similar. You can write it down and read it when you feel confused.

The confusion you feel is absolutely normal for someone who has endured profound psychological abuse and it takes time plus ideally some learning about abuse and what was done to you so you can make sense of things to recover. Ideally look for support from someone who understands and works with abuse victims/survivors as anyone untrained and using other standard counselling methods (eg. Psychotherapy) can actually cause you more harm.

Also, notice how contact or conversations with him affect you in terms of making you doubt yourself. The best advice is to go no contact (or limit contact to email only) so you can start to slowly build your own connection with reality as he has demonstrated repeatedly that he has an interest in undermining and hurting your thinking. It is empowering to protect yourself from interactions with someone who continues to harm you, so I would encourage you to think about taking this step for your recovery and well-being.

You are not alone in this by the way!

Why Does He Do That? (Lundy Bancroft) Is an excellent book and free online. You can reseach "coercive control" online, (Laura Richards and Emma Katz) which is the insidious core of extremely damaging forms of domestic violence.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 19/04/2025 10:09

Good advice above. I would also suggest you google the stages of processing the end of a relationship (Kubler Ross). You sound like you’re in the bargaining stage. Seeing things through slightly rose tinted glasses, looking for ways it could have been saved if you’d only done x or y. This is normal and will pass.
Youve done the right thing for you and your DC’s. Keep going and don’t go back.

Imgoingtobefree · 19/04/2025 11:28

I’ve been (and still am), where you are.

My eureka moment was realising that my XH was willing to lie and manipulate me to get his own way/the upper hand.

You don’t expect the person who loves you to do this. So now I tell my self what he says is not the truth. He would say anything in the moment if it served his purpose- you can’t reason with that.

Many things he has said to you and about you are just not true. Believe your own thoughts and feelings, not his.

I have found the writings of Maria Consiglio on Insta/Pinterest very enlightening.

Bittenonce · 19/04/2025 20:08

So you were wrong - your friends and neighbours were wrong - your child was wrong?
I sort of doubt it.
You separated because he was abusive.
Now he’s gaslighting you - and his therapist/ counsellor is actually unwittingly giving him the tools to help him do this. He’s a manipulator.
He’s not saying ‘I was wrong, I’m sorry’ it’s all ‘You got it wrong, it wasn’t so bad, the bad bits were your fault ‘.
Stay. Away. From. This. Man.
.

Fishergirl · 20/04/2025 06:14

OP I'm in a very similar situation to you. Stbexh is also blaming me for his behaviour. It's horrible and the guilt I've felt and still feel is horrible. As a pp said, breaking up a family is such a huge thing and not sonething that a woman does easily. The guilt of this, along with him telling me on top that I've been the cause of his verbal outbursts has been difficult.

I've had counselling which has been invaluable. My counsellor has helped see things clearly. If that's something you could afford then I recommend it. I also read the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned above and found that really useful.

I have also got a page in my OneNote app that I add to when I remember another incident that has led to where we are now. His aggressive outbursts and intimidating behaviour are still happening because we are still living together so I find it so helpful to write everything down before I forget.
Good luck.

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