Confused

[helpagirl]

I’m going through a really awful time right now. I’m in my early 30s married and 2 young children and my Mum who I’m really close with and spend a lot of time with is dying of cancer. It’s an aggressive cancer, she was diagnosed late last year and it’s just hit us all like a ton of bricks. She’s otherwise so healthy, in her late 60s and just full of life. She’s a massive part of mine and my girls life and I’m struggling to comprehend how I will ever cope without her. She is deteriorating everyday in front of my eyes and it’s heartbreaking. I feel like I’m grieving before she’s even gone.
My marriage has suffered since going through this traumatic time and I’ve seen a side to my husband a few times in the last few months that I don’t like. Unsupportive, misdissive of how I’m feeling and what I’m going through and just ignorant really. He seems to care more about his job than he does me. He isn’t a bad person but he’s really not been my rock through this which I think he should be.
I have recently been going out a lot with my best friend and drinking because it feels like a release and a way of numbing my pain. My best friend is very good friends with an old friend of mine (who is male), I’ve known him for 15 years and when we were young (I was 18 he was 21) he was in love with me. I never felt the same way about him but I loved him in a friend way, we have always got on and just gel when we are together. I’ve seen him out a few times recently. Nothing has happened between us but there is a spark there when I’m with him that makes me feel alive again and I find myself craving it when I’m not around him. I can’t explain it really it’s like he’s a comfort blanket to me. I find him comforting to be with but it’s making me feel really confused because I’m married and heartbroken about my Mum. I just feel so confused and have no one to talk to about it.

Nope. Do not go there. He is an escape, nothing more. I absolutely understand you are in a bad place but there is literally no marriage that cannot be made worse by shagging someone else. Concentrate on your Mum. Talk to your husband. Block this other man.

Oh wow. There seems to be a lot of strong feelings here but am not sure if they are misplaced. Your mum needs you more than ever so I would concentrate on her for the time being. Xxx

Wise, wise words OP!

So sorry about your mum and so sorry your husband isn't offering the support you need, but adding an affair of any kind into the mix worn help right now.

Can you afford to get some short term therapy to support you during this time? It's really easy to arrange online and will give you someone you can talk to who isn't directly involved in the situation.

Take care of yourself.

I think that’s what it is an ‘escape’ it’s so confusing because I’ve known him for so long and have never seen him in any other way than just a friend until recently. I don’t want to press the self destruct button on my life but it feels like it’s already going up in smoke anyway.
I would never act on these feelings but it’s just confusing me that I am having them.

You're grieving for your Mum and emotionally vulnerable, please don't get involved with him, no good will come of it. Please get in touch with Macmillan who can offer you practical and emotional support. I'd try not to drink too much as that can heighten your emotions, I'm so sorry about your Mum but this really isn't the way to handle it x

Sorry you’re going through this but it is a huge mistake to entertain this, OP.

I lost my mum to cancer when my daughters were still young. She was diagnosed at 66; 67 when she died. I know my husband is not good at dealing with heavy emotion - he was my rock in a different sense and in the best way which is that he fully took over parenting at weekends etc so I could go and spend time with my mum. Sounds like your husband is doing at least some of that because you’re going out with your friend.

Don’t medicate the pain with alcohol and romantic distractions. Many of us have been where you are and that will not help you. It will just mean that in addition to the pain of losing your mum, there will be even more pain and chaos.

When someone is terminally ill, you start the grieving process before they die. It’s hard but I’ve had friends who’ve lost their parents without warning to heart attacks, brain haemorrhage and so on. And frankly, I think that is worse. What you’re going through is very hard but knowing your mum’s time is limited allows you to make the most of what time is left. Don’t mess this up by developing a dependence on alcohol and falling for another man. Focus on your mum and making these last months with her really count.

Thank you guys for your kind but truthful words. This is what I need to hear. My brain feels like mush and everything feels so heightened now. I spend most of my days with my heart just pounding out of my chest waiting for the worst to happen. It’s exhausting. It’s hard to not be able to share how I’m feeling with anyone because I know how I’m feeling isn’t right or ‘real’ somehow. I know it isn’t real but it doesn’t stop me from feeling it if that makes any sense. When I say I go out drinking with my friend it’s about once every 6 weeks not every weekend (I’ve probably made myself sound more chaotic than I actually am there). But whenever I do go out with her he is always there because they are such good friends.

I think that books and television and films give us the idea that a man will come along and sweep us off our feet and solve all our problems.
You are dealing with an incredibly difficult situation and not feeling supported by your husband so it's normal that your subconscious is looking for your rescuer/escape route.
If you can afford it, I think you should try to talk to a counsellor about all this. And maybe tell your friend that you don't want to be drinking when you are under so much stress. If she is a real friend she'll support you in this.
What @Dery said is very true. I lost one parent after a long illness and I spent most of their last year at their bedside. It was exhausting but I felt peace and closure after they died. Spend your time with your mother while you can.

I really feel for you OP.
Can I tell you about my situation when my Mum was dying.
I felt so overwhelmed with grief, I had two children I had to get up for in the morning but my OH was carrying on like nothing was changed..
I was losing my Mum and best friend.
I had to go and look after her because she had no-one else, I was literally doing the end of life care for her..
My OH didn't understand, his work was more important, I actually got to the end and our Macmillan nurse told me she will pass this evening..
He was on a night shift that evening and I begged him to take the evening of and be at home to look after our kids so I could sit with my Mum.
He said he couldn't.
The Macmillan nurse phoned me at 7am and told me my Mum had passed. I remember being so beyond upset, I was so, so grief stricken, I can remember that feeling.
He came home and I told him my Mum had gone and it was like I had told him out goldfish had died..no empathy whatsoever..no response, nothing. This was his mil for 17 years, his children's Grandma.
I just went numb, I disasociated from him for the next few months, he then saw fit to shag an ex school friend from his past.
We split up and I'm back with him but nothing will lessen that absolute horrible time and his utter checking out when he should have been there for me.
I don't know if this helps you but I do know how you feel x

@Ilovemeggy38thank you for sharing your story with me. It does help to know I’m not alone. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and your husband was so unsupportive at a time you needed him the most. I find with my husband his words and his actions don’t align, so he will say ‘I will do anything I can to support you’ and then I will say a few hours later ‘I’ve had an awful day and don’t have the energy to do the kids bath tonight would you mind doing it please?’ And I’m met with huffing and puffing that he doesn’t have time because of work or a football match he wants to watch is on. Just little things like that make me feel so alone. There’s been bigger things as well like the way he behaved the day we found out my mum had cancer and the way he spoke to me the day after we found out it was terminal. I was heartbroken and absolutely crying my eyes out and he said ‘you know this isn’t all about you don’t you’. Those words will stay with me forever. I will admit that he has been better in recent months but I’m still struggling to forgive how he behaved when I needed him most.

I do spend all of my days with my mum when my girls are in school (I’ve signed off sick from work). I spend as much time as I can with her with my girls as well but I also don’t want to overwhelm my Mum with the girls too much or upset my girls seeing my Mum not being able to eat etc. I know my mum appreciates everything I do for her, she tells me everyday. She’s my best friend I will miss her so much 💔

Aww lovely, you are doing everything you can, sounds like you are trying to be there for your Mum and your family, it's so hard.
If I could go back and do things again I would prioritise my Mum...the kids are fine now, he's fine.
What isn't fine is I wanted to hold her hand at the end and I couldn't because he wouldn't take one night of work.
We have moved on, he's lost both parents since, including us dashing down to sit with his Mum in hospital when she had a stroke.
I was there for him because I know that feeling when I couldn't be there for my Mum.
I just square it with myself now that i was able to be empathetic, he wasn't, I don't know how that will work out for us in the future.
I don't want a partner who doesn't have empathy.

I would take a step back and hold off on the drinking and this guy. It'll only make your life harder and more complicated and you're going through a tough time as it is. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through by the way. I would consider getting support for yourself and with the kids. It sounds like it could be a good idea at the moment. And if you have siblings/cousins or close friends, now is the time to contact them for a catch up. It takes a village and now you need yours