Handhold needed. Marriage over?

[chinup123]

I think me and DH have reached the end of the road, and I’m sad but strangely calm. I think I’ve been making peace with it for a while but now I just want to talk to him and he’s not here :(

We have got to this point because arguments keep happening and when he argues he goes from 0-100 and loses his temper. He shouts and gets nasty and aggressive. I’m no angel, he says I trigger him by patronising him. He starts shouting and I will shout back.

He struggles with his mental health and I have been pushing him to get to the doctors. He says he’s suicidal, I wonder if he is bipolar as he is so up and down. I never know what I am going to get when he walks through the door.

The arguments are about nothing, it’s like he looks for them. Over the past few years he seems to have gone down a path with more extreme views on things and we no longer see eye to eye. The recent argument which triggered me saying enough is enough was about white farmers in South Africa being killed and I questioned where he was getting his information from.

I’ve been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship in my early 20s, and I’m starting to feel I am looking some more obvious signs of an emotional abuse and manipulation. I’ve stopped talking to people in real life about these incidents (mum, bf, etc) because I know what they will think. I’m burying my head in the sand.

He says I’m difficult, hard to live with, patronising, belittle him, emasculate him. These things echo so much from my previous abusive relationship that I can’t help but question, is it actually me? Am I unbearable? Do I just make those I love angry?

But then I give my head a wobble and know that can’t be true. I’m (I hope and think) well liked, I’m bright and funny, somewhat quirky and a smiley happy person.

After a bad argument a few weeks ago, I told him he needed to seek help because I will not accept this anymore and he hasn’t. And it’s happened again so I’ve told him I’m not doing this anymore. He thinks I’m trying to emotionally black mail him.

He’s left, took a few things and gone to stay elsewhere, friends or hotel I’m not sure. Of which I feel relieved.

I guess I’m not looking for advice as I know what I need to do, but I need a handhold.

We have been together 10 years, he was my best friend, I love him so much and I’m starting to feel the grief for what I know will be lost

He says I’m difficult, hard to live with, patronising, belittle him, emasculate him. These things echo so much from my previous abusive relationship that I can’t help but question, is it actually me? Am I unbearable? Do I just make those I love angry?

It is more likely that you didnt have the therapy you needed after the abusive relationships and as such walked straight into another. Prioritise therapy and the freedom programme now.

and remember, the hardest part is now done. He is out. Dont let him back.

I did the freedom programme after I left the abusive relationship. I need to revisit it.

He wasn’t always like this, it’s only been the past couple months of years. But I’m so tired.

I was so looking forward to this long weekend, I have a stressful job, so does he. And we seem to just exist in this constant state of stress and it’s exhausting.

I also don’t know how to navigate the practicalities of separating. We own our home jointly and joint mortgage. Neither of us have got anywhere we can go and stay for more than 1-2 nights tops.

You say you want to talk with him - and sure, I can understand that after 10 years. But the reason he’s not there is because you know if you talked it would get angry and upsetting again. Yes, grief is natural and it’s going to take time. You need to talk, so talk with family and friends, try to balance time for yourself and not being alone. But if the decision is made, try not to lean on him now, it won’t help you move forward.

@Bittenonce i know. We tried talking this morning and yes he got angry and it was upsetting. I know that’s how it would turn out.

I just want him to get help, get back to the man I fell in love with and married and tell me everything is going to be ok.

but it’s not going to happen

I’m glad you said that. That you know that the person you used to know isn’t coming back, can’t be helped.
I had my own experience of knowing it can be a big leap to get to that place, it’s hard to get there and it hurts like buggery for a while. I felt helpless, impotent, full of self doubt, guilt.
But getting out was the only option that wasn’t going to end in disaster - and you know the same already, you know that what you’re doing is the right thing, so you’re going to be okay. Really, you are . Just give yourself time

You need to accept him for the man that he is and not the man that you want him to be. It's really shit having to accept things aren't the way you imagined, but the sooner that you can grieve and then move on, the easier it'll be for both of you. You can't live life walking on eggshells around someone's moods.

Ok - the practical shit….
In the short / medium term - is it possible to live in the same house? If not, can he rent somewhere and you come to an agreement about how you share bills and costs so you both share the financial pain of having 2 homes, until you can get the separation sorted?
You’re going to need to have an honest conversation about assets and how best to split these for the long term settlement.
Sounds like both these conversations are likely to be fraught, I’d suggest trying to use a mediator just to help keep things fair and as unemotional as possible.

@Bittenonce potentially we could live in the same house but my worry is I will slump back into the easiest option of staying together. Sounds pathetic

its also complicated with children. We don’t have any joint children but he has my DSDs and they are with us half the week, so it’s disruption to them and not wanting them to be in a bad atmosphere. My DD is at uni.

financially I don’t think we could afford a rental on top of mortgage between us. I help my DD with uni living costs as it is.

we also live quite rurally at the rental market is virtually non existent, they are like gold dust

I wish there was something I could do to salvage things but it’s all so out of my control.

im a bit of a control freak, im a problem solver, and my brain is just in overdrive.