I need to get my ducks in a row

[Humpycamel]

I need to leave OH. We've 2 young DC. He is emotionally abusive and I don't want the children to grow up in this environment.
But how do I do it??? I've no money (i reduced my hours at work after mat leave and can't just increase them again), I've no family close by and very few friends (partly because OH is so controlling).
I've accepted that i may not leave for potentially a year or so and I'm OK with that. Just knowing I have a plan is enough for now. But I just don't know what my plan is.
Save what I can (realistically, how much do I need?) and start looking for somewhere to live?
What do i need to start doing to prepare to leave?

Speak to Women’s Aid. They are brilliant.
Start to put a little money away each week - even if just a few pounds. If you pay for the weekly shop out of a joint account, get cash back, and lose the receipt.
Others will post with fabulous advice.

I'd speak with womens aid for a start. They'll have good information.

Well done for making the decision op but please do not resign yourself to staying for a year. That is also resigning yourself to your children witnessing abuse for a year. Which does untold amounts of damage. Personality disorders such as npd and bpd are often formed between the ages of 2 and 4 as a result of trauma and/or abuse.

Are your family in the same country? Could they reliabily have you and support you until you find work there and a new home? If so, go there. That's your out, don't wait another moment.
Perhaps your job has a branch near there it can transfer you to?

If it's a few hours or more away, brilliant, it'll make it inconvenient for him to visit.

Before doing this, report him to the police. Even if nothing comes of it, it will help keep you safe if they can put a flag on your home regarding domestic abuse.

They may even be able to have him stay away from you whilst they build a case against him. That will give you time to earn more and leave.

Explain the situation to your work, perhaps they can increase your hours.

Why can’t you increase your hours again? Is it time needed at home or does work not have the hours available? It will help more with giving advice.

For me when I left over the course of the year I had;

started to squirrel as much away in savings as I could. Even if it was something as small as forgoing a coffee, every spare penny went into my savings

just before the split I got my own car. We had been sharing before

i made a list of all the joint accounts we had, Amazon Netflix dog trackers and on the day logged me out and revoked his access in one afternoon. I didn’t want him seeing where I was

we only had one joint bank account and I closed that as part of admin tidying

start looking at flats in your area. See how much they are. Work out what you need for a deposit, see how long it will take you to save that.

Id probably say speak with citizens advice as well and see if they can tell you if you were living by yourself what support and benefits you are entitled to.

are you married or just partners?

As others have said go to women’s aid and report to the police every single time he is abusive. Keep a diary. Go shopping to Tesco, Aldi etc and buy something small but get £50 cash back. It all mounts up.
id you still get a free 30 mins initial meeting with a solicitor go round as many as possible for the advice and find one you like. They vary!! Get all important documents in your possession or hidden somewhere good, birth certificates, passports etc.
Leave as soon as you are able. Good luck. You will be amazed at how good it feels when you have finally done it.

Thank you so much everyone.
We're married.
I'm a teacher and to go past time had to become a job share with someone else so my whole contract changed. To increase to full time I'd either need to move or wait until someone else leaves and take their job if that makes sense?
I love the cashback idea. And I've already started skipping treats such as lunch with a colleague and saving that £5.
I'll look into womens aid.
Thank you all so, so much.

Maybe speak to your school and just ask about extra hours? Rather than getting cover teachers in they may be happy to give you first refusal of extra hours that become available? Would your husband think there was anything untoward if you said you were working and extra day because a colleague was off sick?

You’ll be ok.
just keep going and set yourself free xx

That sounds like a good idea.
do you have family you can lean on? Even if that means moving?

I will do that as soon as my youngest starts school (September 26) but at the moment if I took the extra days I'd not make much money cos of the extra nursery cost.

Are you primary or secondary? Can you put your name down for exam marking?

online tutoring?

Do you own or rent ? Have a look at localish rentals and figure out how much it'll be, generally a month is required as a deposit.

Look on entitledto.com - it's a benefit calculator, you can input what the rent will be and you can work out what you might receive to support you.

Are you in a union ? Often they can offer support including financial and legal support. Also there's an charity for people in education, they offer financial grants that's might help you get a deposit together to make the move https://www.educationsupport.org.uk/get-help/help-for-you/financial-support/

Primary. But yes I could, thanks I hadn't thiught of that!

We own.
That's really useful, thanks. I hadnt even thought of my union.

Can you open a bank account with a different bank and direct your pay into that? Then when he asks if you have been paid say there's been an issue with the payroll department and it's been delayed. It will give you the money to actually get away, even if it's not enough for a rental.

Have a look if your employer is connected to credit unions. If so, they’ll often do direct deductions from your salary that go into a savings account. The only evidence would be on your payslip; it would be very easy to pass it off as Christmas savings club (if your husband became aware of it). Might be a good way to begin hiding money, although I appreciate it will affect your monthly take home.

Im not sure. I'll look into it. It would definitely help if the money went directly to a saving account.

Another year of abuse for your children?
You need to speak to women’s aid ASAP.

Surely just look to rent a small flat somewhere. A one bedroom would be fine, you can sleep on a sofa when the kids are there.

Then you put the divorce through and the assets will be split and you can move to something better.

Make sure your money is in your in account, not joint where he could clear it. If there is any joint, take your half and use it to move if that's possible.

Teaching can be done anywhere. Maybe look to move somewhere cheaper.

Could any family lend you a few thousand so you could get out quick?

You don’t need to hang around for years, just get organised now and leave over the summer

Thank you everyone. Those of you suggesting womens aid, what would they do?? He's never hit me (and I genuinely don't think he ever would).

You dont need to hit someone to abuse them. Financial abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse....all sorts of other abuse. You're certainly going through the later.

Womens aid will be able to give you information and signposting that will help you leave him, safely.

As for he's never hit me...men who are abusive and controlling could absolutely hit you. The only thing that is stopping him is he thinks the amount of emotional abuse he is giving is sufficient enough to keep you compliant so he doesn't need to. And, he may fear legal repocussion.

Think about that for a moment, he has no empathy for you and would hurt you if it kept you in line and he thought he would get away with it.

He absolutely would hit you if he felt it in his best interests. It's evident because men who mean you harm in any way, mean you harm in every way.

So be sure to let family know you are leaving him and ideally either tell him once you have left him (via phone) from your new home or have people around when you tell him it's over. Because you just never know. I bet when you first met him you never thought he'd be capable of the cruelty he is now.