One sided friendship - what to do

[Cupcakes19]

Need some advice.

Was part of a mums group, would see each other most days/meet up regularly. As the kids got older we all started new jobs/went back to work, couple moved away.

We all live in same town, I’m close to two of them though they live round the corner from each other. Since last summer I’ve noticed a change - they don’t include me anymore even though I’ve hosted coffee/play dates & NYE parties. At Xmas they took their DDs shopping & one hosted a NYE get together - myself, dd & family not included. Posted pics on fb.

Asked dd if everything ok/been any fall outs - she said no but said they always appear to be busy/have cooled off. They both came to dd birthday celebrations but my dd wasn’t invited to their birthdays recently. My dd has other friends so she isn’t alone.

Since January the two mums hardly ever get in contact or reach out. One only now gets in touch if her child needs a lift after dance class.
The other I hardly hear from at all - I have to initiate contact. I know they both meet up for walks & the excuse was it was when I was at work but they don’t offer at the weekend.

We met up last week for a coffee (which I organised/reached out) suggested we catch up. Although it was nice to see them I just felt like the odd one out. They both knew everything going on each others lives. Before we parted it was suggested we should meet up for a meal which we all said yes to but I’ve not heard anything since.

Ive told myself not to organise the meal or reach out first, or to give anymore lifts for the time being.

Do I just sit back & see what happens?

I would just ask them. There has clearly been a shift in the friendship, and I'm sure they see it too, so I would just ask if there are any issues. If they're mature enough they'll open up, if they just dismiss you then you're better off anyway. Those kinds of people are just hard work and not worth the hassle

People do what they really want to do, in my experience, and if you're having to drive meet ups with them without reciprocation they're not interested. They've stopped including you on a regular basis. I expect if you stop contacting them you won't hear from them again. Doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, perhaps they've grown closer to each other and find it easier to limit it just to them.

You could ask them why, they may make promises but it's what people do not what they say that counts. It's hurtful but few people explicitly end a friendship so you're left wondering. Plenty of people out there who are interested, you need to seek them out.

I had a friendship just like this, I asked them directly what had changed as they didn’t reach out anymore. One said I was selfish as she had been busy abs can’t always message ( she never messaged) the other apologised and said she’d make more of an effort . It’s been 4 months now since I last heard from them as I decided to stop being the one to initiate contact, I was hoping they would reach out to me but have never bothered.
it was upsetting and I now don’t like accidentally bumping into them but I’ve moved on and focussed on other friends, even though I don’t have many.

I wouldn't ask what's changed. Something's definitely shifted. They've moved on, so the reason why seems irrelevant. I'd say hello if I bumped into them, but accept that I'm no longer a part of the friendship group.

I don’t know about your existing friends but I strongly suggest a decent hobby where you are in control of when you go and what social events you go to . From my experience it works better than a lot of mum friendships. Everyone is always going to be prioritising their own things and with a hobby you get to make longer term friends.

Hi op not nice as you say. Did kids fall out? I find the group apps tricky. We had 5 us. Few are closer now. I felt it was drifting off when kids left secondary. We put in big effort in march to visit one as she moved away. Lovely visit. I think in your case let them know you hurt but I would not chase them

They’ve just drifted closer together and away from you. I doubt there’s anything behind it, just one of those normal friendship fluctuations over time.

Seems to me it's two's company, three's a crowd, and you've come in at no 3.

That's all there is to it I reckon. Oh and I'd start being unavailable for dance class lifts unless they reciprocate regularly.

Seems like they’re just tolerating you for the benefits you offer such as being able to give the one daughter a lift at times of need. If you really would miss these friends then you need to directly address this asap because the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. However, the fact that they exclude you from pretty much everything would be answer enough for me. This is a conscious choice they have both made and I doubt you’ll get a genuine answer but I understand you enjoy their company and may not want to just walk away without some sort of discussion. Good luck ♥️

Classic case of people who want you when it suits them. I hate users so I would ignore them when they want a lift and stop reaching out.

Meeting up because they live closer is fair enough but to exclude you from parties is a dicks move.

Do they have days off in the week free on the same days and you don’t? If so then likely they carried on seeing each other very regularly after you went back to work and are now - unsurprisingly - much closer to each other than you. Especially likely if they live round the corner from each other.

They've grown closer. I would gracefully bow out now and stop initiating contact.

In a similar situation here--very hurtful. It's just with one friend, though, but very much as you described. She started becoming gradually less responsive, it felt like it was always me initiating, etc. After several months of this behavior I finally asked if everything was okay, and she said fine, just busy. It all continued like this for a few more months and I finally just decided to leave the ball in her court. I was reaching out multiple times for one response and I finally decided not to do that any more. She never replied to my last text, so instead of texting again like I have done in recent months, I will wait to see if I ever hear from her again. It's sad and hard to let go, especially when you still care.

The alternative is to just accept that the friendship has changed and that you have to settle for a less close relationship. Maybe that will be enough--BUT I would definitely stop giving lifts. Make up an excuse about needing to run an errand afterward or something that would complicate helping out. I had a different "friend" do this to me after drifting away and spending more time with other women and I finally realized that she was just using me because I was too nice.

In your case, it's very hurtful too because they are still close but you have been put at arms' length... It's tricky with three...

My advice would be to try to meet some new friends and put your energy there. That's my next step. Next chapter and all that.

Hugs.

Thank you for all the responses.

I understand they live closer but it wasn’t a problem in the past. I’m about 15 min walk away. They both know which days I work - I messaged one a few weeks back asking about a walk & told her my hours/days. Said she would let me know but didn’t get back to me.

I’m not going to keep chasing, it’s clear if they wanted me there they would’ve asked.

And yes I will stop with the lifts.

I would do what you're planning to do as well @Cupcakes19 , and have done in the past. No regrets - just a shift from friends to friendly acquaintance as the season shifted.

I'd probably be a dick head and ask for lifts! Lots of friendships are situational, they live close together and have formed a bond. Look elsewhere op xxx

It’s a three friendship, I often think they don’t work out.
I’d stop offering lifts, think you’re being used here. Time to spend your time where you’re appreciated- that’s not with these 2.

I think that this might have been a friendship group for a particular time in your lives and time has now moved on.

Leave it be.

Yes let them off not nice. Is it 3. I find 3 tricky one is left out. I had same texted and follow ups. I just stopped the interest wasnt there.

Hey op unfortunately this does happen especially as kids get older but I’m like you initiate everything but a few months ago I thought fuck it I can’t be the one to keep reaching out I felt guilt at first but now I’m of the mind if I don’t text or arrange to meet nothing happens so here I am a few months on no worse off so match there energy let it fade out and when asked for something just say no don’t feel guilt because they obviously don’t care enough about your feelings.