Who are you when no one is watching?

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

I was given this as a journaling prompt by the counsellor I’ve started seeing.

I realised I don’t know.

There’s the practicalities - with work, kids, ‘D’ H - there’s rarely no one watching. But it’s also that I just don’t know how to answer it. I think I spent so much time reacting/coping with his moods - and just trying to fit in with what was happening around me, I’ve lost myself.

I feel so anxious all the time now - sick in my stomach, heart racing.

(I have posted other threads, and I admit haven’t dealt with the relationship issues yet. Part of that is DD’s exams - but it’s also about taking some time to try and be in a stronger place, hence the counselling.)

I don’t know how to find myself.

Who would you say you were when no one is watching?

Overthinking is not helpful - make time for things you enjoy and get on with your life.

From what I can gather from your post you're in an abusive relationship. It's typical for your world to revolve around the abuser because you're trying to control the situation. You think that if you behave in a certain way, he won't be abusive.

He'll just keep changing the goalposts and you can't win because it's got nothing to do with you. He just wants to control you and have power over you. He'll do exactly the same to the next unfortunate he's with.

You will never 'find yourself' if, from what a pp says, you are in an abusive relationship. Have you revealed this to your counsellor?

I’m much more serious and less scattered, I can concentrate on stuff. I feel peaceful. It sounds wanky but I feel part of the rhythm of nature ( I like to be in my garden). I think that you have your answer though. You have lost yourself. You need to find yourself again.

I’m trying to do that @Zebracat - I don’t know how to start.

PP are right about the relationship. He’s behaving ok at the moment though. I know that’s how it should be, it’s not anything to be grateful for. But it makes me question myself.

I’m fed up of thinking about him and his moods though. I want to be able to focus on me!!

I’m at complete peace when I’m by myself (or with just my cats). I’m silly, a bit nuts sometimes (well, no one is looking after all 😂) relaxed, happy. I enjoy my own company anyway so I suppose that helps.

Well look the prompt has made you reflect on all of this and I think that’s useful in itself. Perhaps where you want to get to with things eventually is to be able to answer the question more easily.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore it’s only recently that I too realised you shouldn’t have to spend your life walking on eggshells around your partner. Solidarity from someone now on the other side ❤️

Sorry, as I know you didn’t post necessarily to showcase your marital situation.

Was with STBXH for a decade and spent most of it sacrificing happiness for him. Very very little in return. Got a beautiful dc out of it so can’t regret it. Spent years trying to find a distraction from his behaviour. He didn’t want to spend time with me so before dc I spent a lot of time trying to work out what made me happy. Ignoring the elephant in the room, as we tend to do.

A very “me me me” response here but trying to say that you find yourself and get back to some of your own happiness when you step out of a situation that isn’t serving you. Yes leaving a relationship is awful and traumatic and I still feel sad seeing a young family together as we never had it, but I’ve found you start to realise you become
more “you” again once you stop hurting yourself by staying with someone who can’t treat you right. It’s obviously not a decision to be taken lightly. I hope that makes sense? and wish you happiness ❤️

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore

Could it be helpful for you to reflect to when you were 17/18 years old, what were your hopes and aspirations, for your life, then? 💐

"But it makes me question myself"

He is the abuser, and you are his victim. It is not your fault that he abuses you. There is nothing about yourself you need to question.

Mrs whiplash!! 😂

He's behaving ok at the moment - that's the cycle of abuse. No one would stay if they were actively abusive all the time.

Thank you @duvetday0006I think that’s it.

I’m in a catch 22 where I’m unhappy, but so conditioned to paying more attention to his and the kids’ wants and opinions that it’s messing with my mind.

Obviously they don’t like it when he’s in a bad mood. But when he’s not, they take him as he is. He hasn’t blown up about anything for a couple of months so I feel really conflicted.

And here I am again focusing on him and not me!!

Unfortunately when you're in an abusive relationship, you and the children will tiptoe around the abuser and he does become the centre of the house.

You might find this helpful
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/

It might take some time to find yourself again after having been in a relationship like that. Not only because you have been conditioned to focus on him rather than you for so long, but also because it is so draining you don't have energy for anything else.
Even now I'm out of it (still very recent), I'm literally so exhausted I just want to sleep all day, so it's hardly like I'm cracking on living my best life right now since I'm away from him and/or know exactly what I want and love to do with it.
I think sometimes we just need to accept that it's not an easy answer to this question but be patient with yourself and give yourself enough rest and time to figure it out (this is also part of self love and acceptance, you don't have to impress anyone) and then things will slowly become more clear, as you start to focus on yourself again.

But as pp have said, this question has got you reflecting on things and might also give some clarity about what you need right now, rather than who you will be for the rest of your life. Ie in my case, when nobody is watching I'm very lazy and messy right now, but that is because I need rest. But I know that's not who I am truly when I'm at my best, if that makes sense. Maybe you can think back about who you were when you were younger and in a better place and how you looked at life then, to give you an idea?

Not sure that's an entirely appropriate exercise to give someone in an abusive relationship. You can't treat the effects of trauma while the trauma is continuing.

@countrysidedeficitMaybe I’ll raise that next time. I think her point is about listening to my inner voice (more counsellor-speak!) more rather than thinking about DH.