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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Smug ex husband

34 replies

Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 13:37

Not sure where to begin tbh. I was married 27 years. 5 years ago my husband sent me a text telling me the marriage was over and had come to a natural end.

i was devastated, around the same time my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and then Covid lockdown hit, so a bit of a shit show tbh.

i never really had closure on the marriage as he insisted there was no one else involved, and I was too busy trying to rebuild my life, grieve for my mum, etc.

Fast forward 5 years, we are now divorced, and he remarried about 18months ago 🤔. I also found out he had been having an affair with the woman he is married to now, at least 2 years before he left me, they had also bought a house and set up a business…whilst he was with me.

I’ve been gaslighted for the last 5 years and still he has never come clean about the affair and the level of deceit.

And yet he continues to be a smug, condescending bastard and portrays to the world, his kids (34 and 18) , his friends, brothers etc what an amazing man he his.

I could add so much more to this.

i think I would be over it by now if I had had closure from the beginning, but the truth has only unravelled by chance. He thinks I don’t know any of this, and I’m too scared to challenge him., because of how he gaslights me.

Any words of wisdom to deal with this and not allow it to affect me anymore?

OP posts:
ChristmasRager · 18/04/2025 13:39

I would write him a letter - send it or don’t - but it may feel cathartic to get it all out.

He probably won’t read it - he sounds awful - but you’ll feel better and remember, the best revenge is living well. Look after yourself, pursue what makes you happy and focus on all the love you have in your life. The truth comes out in the end. Sending love ❤️

Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 13:44

ChristmasRager · 18/04/2025 13:39

I would write him a letter - send it or don’t - but it may feel cathartic to get it all out.

He probably won’t read it - he sounds awful - but you’ll feel better and remember, the best revenge is living well. Look after yourself, pursue what makes you happy and focus on all the love you have in your life. The truth comes out in the end. Sending love ❤️

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/04/2025 14:35

Have a read of Mel Robbins’ book about her Let Them Theory.
It is about managing your responses, and letting people behave the way they choose - even if they are being an arsehole.
This man hasn’t behaved with decency. He’s putting on a show to cover up his poor behaviour.
You know the truth. That’s your power. You don’t have to share that knowledge with him. You already know.
It is time to let him get on with it. If he’s smug, let him be smug. He’s an arsehole, and others will work that out or they won’t.
Forget about closure. It rarely happens. And it is always feels like we need it. But we don’t. All it does is wrap you up in energy and headspace which is still entwined with his behaviours.
You should no longer engage with him in any way. Unless it’s about your DC and it’s necessary.
It is time to start reclaiming your life. You’ve been through a lot. Get some therapy if you can.
And then start living your one precious life for yourself. Of course, you are still a mum. But you are so much more than that.
This man is a shit and hasn’t learned a thing. He will eventually repeat his behaviours in his new marriage.
No longer your problem.
The most important thing I’ve learned is that life isn’t always fair - people can be awful, we don’t get justice, we don’t get the answers we need. Trying to pursue fairness and closure from an arsehole is a waste.
And you are worth so much more.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 14:52

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/04/2025 14:35

Have a read of Mel Robbins’ book about her Let Them Theory.
It is about managing your responses, and letting people behave the way they choose - even if they are being an arsehole.
This man hasn’t behaved with decency. He’s putting on a show to cover up his poor behaviour.
You know the truth. That’s your power. You don’t have to share that knowledge with him. You already know.
It is time to let him get on with it. If he’s smug, let him be smug. He’s an arsehole, and others will work that out or they won’t.
Forget about closure. It rarely happens. And it is always feels like we need it. But we don’t. All it does is wrap you up in energy and headspace which is still entwined with his behaviours.
You should no longer engage with him in any way. Unless it’s about your DC and it’s necessary.
It is time to start reclaiming your life. You’ve been through a lot. Get some therapy if you can.
And then start living your one precious life for yourself. Of course, you are still a mum. But you are so much more than that.
This man is a shit and hasn’t learned a thing. He will eventually repeat his behaviours in his new marriage.
No longer your problem.
The most important thing I’ve learned is that life isn’t always fair - people can be awful, we don’t get justice, we don’t get the answers we need. Trying to pursue fairness and closure from an arsehole is a waste.
And you are worth so much more.

Thank you very wise words…I feel like he still has a hold over my emotions, our children know what he has done, probably not to the same extent, but they figured it out themselves, I’ve lost my son to him (he is 34) it’s his step son, not that that makes a difference, but still hurts, I never really hear from my son but I know he is in regular contact with my ex. My son is newly married, and his new wife idolises me ex too, I find it strange, but I’ve tried to detach myself from it.

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 18/04/2025 14:55

Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 14:52

Thank you very wise words…I feel like he still has a hold over my emotions, our children know what he has done, probably not to the same extent, but they figured it out themselves, I’ve lost my son to him (he is 34) it’s his step son, not that that makes a difference, but still hurts, I never really hear from my son but I know he is in regular contact with my ex. My son is newly married, and his new wife idolises me ex too, I find it strange, but I’ve tried to detach myself from it.

Show quote history

Is your ex rich?

My ex was, and he was idolised. And an arsehole.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 14:59

LePetitMaman · 18/04/2025 14:55

Is your ex rich?

My ex was, and he was idolised. And an arsehole.

Show quote history

Yes very rich and an arehole

OP posts:
ChristmasRager · 18/04/2025 15:45

Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 14:59

Yes very rich and an arehole

Show quote history

Money can’t buy class, or manners. He’s an arsehole and people clearly flock to him for his money - not because of who he is. Feel sorry for him. Pathetic

Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 15:48

ChristmasRager · 18/04/2025 15:45

Money can’t buy class, or manners. He’s an arsehole and people clearly flock to him for his money - not because of who he is. Feel sorry for him. Pathetic

Show quote history

I agree and his new wife is no better, she knew about me

OP posts:
Weirdedoot · 18/04/2025 15:55

Not the point of the thread at all but if they bought a house and a business together whilst you were still married doesn't that mean that they were marital assets?

I agree with others that you need to shift your focus away from him/them and how people feel about them to you and your life and your relationships. What happened with your son? Why has your relationship weakened?

Livinghappy · 18/04/2025 15:57

Perhaps you are now at stage where you are processing the emotions so don't assume it will always be the same.

I know a wonderful woman who had a very similar experience to yours. Her ex has remarried to someone very wealthy so can offer a lifestyle the shared DC don't have with their mum. It does grate, as the DC, all teens can't help but say yes to the holidays, new cars and promises of inheritance.

It must be so painful to not have much contact with your son. Was there an argument or just some distance? I think rebuilding that relationship should be your priority as it will definitely cause greater resentment to your ex.

As someone else said, karma doesn't always seem to apply. I have seen good people suffer greatly and I have also seen good people have tremendous luck...however that "luck" also applies to people who aren't decent. Life isn't fair and getting to that stage of acceptance is healing.

Writing your emotions will help. I don't think there is a short circuit to strong negative emotions, only time and distraction.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 16:06

Weirdedoot · 18/04/2025 15:55

Not the point of the thread at all but if they bought a house and a business together whilst you were still married doesn't that mean that they were marital assets?

I agree with others that you need to shift your focus away from him/them and how people feel about them to you and your life and your relationships. What happened with your son? Why has your relationship weakened?

Yes they will of been classed as marital assets, but I haven’t pursued it. I got the marital home in its entirety, but he probably agreed to that knowing he had hidden assets..my son, his step son has always had more of an alliance with him, I think we clash more maybe, I chase him and chase him to try and see him and spend time with him., but I don’t get much back, his wife usually replies to my messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 16:09

Livinghappy · 18/04/2025 15:57

Perhaps you are now at stage where you are processing the emotions so don't assume it will always be the same.

I know a wonderful woman who had a very similar experience to yours. Her ex has remarried to someone very wealthy so can offer a lifestyle the shared DC don't have with their mum. It does grate, as the DC, all teens can't help but say yes to the holidays, new cars and promises of inheritance.

It must be so painful to not have much contact with your son. Was there an argument or just some distance? I think rebuilding that relationship should be your priority as it will definitely cause greater resentment to your ex.

As someone else said, karma doesn't always seem to apply. I have seen good people suffer greatly and I have also seen good people have tremendous luck...however that "luck" also applies to people who aren't decent. Life isn't fair and getting to that stage of acceptance is healing.

Writing your emotions will help. I don't think there is a short circuit to strong negative emotions, only time and distraction.

Edited

Thank you, yes starting to process, once I discovered the level of deceit from both of them., it’s quite shocking really. My daughter is very very close to me., and lives with me full time, stays at her dads twice a week, it’s me who takes her on holiday. It’s my son I don’t really see

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 18/04/2025 19:27

Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 14:59

Yes very rich and an arehole

Show quote history

Kindly, why do you find it strange that people flock to him?

If you're rich, low calibre people don't care. They aren't there for his shining wit and glowing heart. He's a living cash point. He will always have a trail of cling ons. Because if people only hover round you for the money, they don't give a toss about who you are as long as the handouts keep coming.

It's most odd that this is news to you, or that you feel you need to address the balance. You think if he lost the the lot tomorrow, they'd all be there picking up his pieces? And more importantly, you think he doesn't know that?

beetr00 · 18/04/2025 19:39

@Bernie54 wash than man right out of your hair

😉

this may be of use

Eggsboxedandmelting · 18/04/2025 19:39

Phew now I don't need to hide Dave anymore
. Been a tough 10 years...

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/04/2025 19:40

I know it’s really hard but stop chasing your son. He’s clearly enamoured of this man’s money and status and so is his wife.
You are just causing yourself more pain. You are still his mum and nobody can replace that.
Concentrate on your life with your DD and then work from there.

JaneFrances · 18/04/2025 19:46

OP my husband left me for a family friend they'd been in a relationship for 4 years and bought a house behind my back. I bought him out. It didn't last because she got fed up with him. I allowed him back in the house and now can't get him out because we never divorced. We don't have an intimate relationship and he has his own room. I let him come back for our sons' sakes. I found out he'd cheated three times before that, that's what I know of, one time was with the daughter of another family friend while I was pregnant.

I really feel for you, you've been through the mill but at least you're free of the bastard.

2025willbemytime · 18/04/2025 19:51

@JaneFrances please go and see a solicitor and get divorced from this twat. You can.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 20:22

JaneFrances · 18/04/2025 19:46

OP my husband left me for a family friend they'd been in a relationship for 4 years and bought a house behind my back. I bought him out. It didn't last because she got fed up with him. I allowed him back in the house and now can't get him out because we never divorced. We don't have an intimate relationship and he has his own room. I let him come back for our sons' sakes. I found out he'd cheated three times before that, that's what I know of, one time was with the daughter of another family friend while I was pregnant.

I really feel for you, you've been through the mill but at least you're free of the bastard.

Im so sorry that your in that situation…yes I am happy to be divorced from him

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 20:23

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/04/2025 19:40

I know it’s really hard but stop chasing your son. He’s clearly enamoured of this man’s money and status and so is his wife.
You are just causing yourself more pain. You are still his mum and nobody can replace that.
Concentrate on your life with your DD and then work from there.

Thank you. Yes I decided a few weeks ago to stop chasing and they have not reached out to me, so it tells me enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 20:25

LePetitMaman · 18/04/2025 19:27

Kindly, why do you find it strange that people flock to him?

If you're rich, low calibre people don't care. They aren't there for his shining wit and glowing heart. He's a living cash point. He will always have a trail of cling ons. Because if people only hover round you for the money, they don't give a toss about who you are as long as the handouts keep coming.

It's most odd that this is news to you, or that you feel you need to address the balance. You think if he lost the the lot tomorrow, they'd all be there picking up his pieces? And more importantly, you think he doesn't know that?

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s just the money, he puts on a persona for everyone else, maybe he is narcissist I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 20:26

Eggsboxedandmelting · 18/04/2025 19:39

Phew now I don't need to hide Dave anymore
. Been a tough 10 years...

I don’t understand sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 18/04/2025 20:28

beetr00 · 18/04/2025 19:39

@Bernie54 wash than man right out of your hair

😉

this may be of use

I have definitely done that, it’s just the trauma I am struggling with now

OP posts:
Gloriia · 18/04/2025 20:47

So sorry for what you've been through op. It is so unfair the way the arseholes seem to come out on top and a double whammy that your ds has taken his side.

Just try to focus on positives, your relationship with your dd, the fact you're financially independent and have no problems mortgage wise.

He might be well off amd apparently popular but he's a liar and a cheat and his current dw will no doubt be cheated on. All you can do with your ds is keep channels of communication open and hope he sees his stepdad for what he is at some point.

Best wishes Flowers.

beAsensible1 · 18/04/2025 20:50

you find closure in yourself by moving on. There is no closure available from an offending party who has hurt you.

you will never get the answers or understating you seek because it doesn’t exist unfortunately. Forget him, move on and focus on building a fulfilling life.