Husband silent treatment

[Rainbow15555]

I’ve been married almost 20 years and have 4 children with my husband who are ages 2 to 10. I try to use respectful parenting with the kids, I sent boundaries but try not to shout. My husband is more old school and gets upset if they argue with him or ‘Answer back’. I try my best to support him and work together as a parent but sometimes I don’t agree if he shouts at our eldest kid or makes some unkind comments towards them, if I say anything my husband then shouts at me and says I’m not supporting him. He told me to shut my mouth and then walked off and sat on his phone scrolling whilst I finished cleaning up the dinner and put the kids to bed. He gives me the silent treatment and talks to the kids like normal but completely blanks me, won’t even look at me. It usually ends when I apologise which I don’t like doing but I want to end the silent treatment. Today I’m at my grandmothers funeral gathering and he is giving me the silent treatment following an argument this morning about our sons behaviour. I just asked if I could talk to him quietly in private and he out his middle finger up at me and walked away. I’m surrounded by family and he is making jokes and chatting to them then completely ignoring me. I feel so fed up I really don’t know what to do.

You don’t tolerate this any longer. His behaviour is unacceptable.

Personally, I would be consulting a solicitor. I couldn’t live like that and the effect on your children will be damaging.

I would return the gestures and give him the middle finger and give him the silent treatment back. Like you, I hate having to apologise just to get back to talking, but I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t stand for being given the middle finger, that’s basically saying f… you, and that’s not on.

He's a twat.

your husband is being emotionally abusive. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and I would be looking to end the relationship.

I’m sorry, but it is done. You could try counselling sessions but he doesn’t sound as if he would be the sort to address his poor communication and lack of respect.

I was married to someone who used the silent treatment as a weapon. When I read on Mumsnet that it actually is considered a form of abuse it was such a relief and really helped me be clear. You’ve not caused it, you can’t control it etc. But you can model setting healthy boundaries for your children and removing yourself from it. You’ll honestly be so much happier. Good luck.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your husband should be doing everything he can to support you.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It's unacceptable and I would stop apologising to him.

Your Husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. What kind of example is he setting for the children? They are learning this is how men behave and how women should be treated. They are learning this is what relationships should look like. As pp said, I would be quietly seeing a solicitor and getting my ducks in a row, making steps towards leaving him. Not just for yourself but for your children. Read this book. It’s free.

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

Silent treatment is abuse. It’s a tool used to punish you for not doing what he says. I would advise that you speak to friends and family whom you can trust and tell them what’s going on here. He has no right to treat you this way and no right to call you or the children derogatory names. He’s putting you all down so you can be under his control. Men like this do not change. He will only get worse. Make an exit plan. Women’s aid can help you with this. I would also suggest you learn the grey rock method when you have to communicate with him.

Wow, what a prick.

At your gran's wake.

Divorce him. He sounds awful to live with as a partner and parent.

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

Call him out in front of people.

'husband, you've been ignoring me and giving me the solent treatment since this morning since that silly argument, please can you stop it as its my grandmothers funeral.'

Wow, what a prince. He is abusing you and has no respect for you whatsoever. To ignore you and give you the middle finger at your gran's funeral, a time when he should be caring and supportive of you, is unforgivable imo. I'd be "getting my ducks in a row" ready to leave. Show your children that this behaviour is not on and you will not tolerate it.

Sorry for your loss OP.

@Rainbow15555 stand up , be bold n brave otherwise he,ll walk all over you, then reverse back often…..is tht the kind of relationship you desire for you?

I'm not surprised you are fed up, I really feel for you. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is the opposite of what anyone would hope for from a marriage. I would hope to be married to someone who would be capable of empathy and support at a time like my grandmother's funeral. Sadly, it seems that your husband provides the exact opposite of empathy and support, and instead treats you with rudeness and contempt and is uncaring of you how you feel.
If someone had been able to show you years ago "Look, this is how this person will treat you if you marry them and stay with them." would you have happily gone ahead with the wedding? Probably not.
It's difficult when you have so many years invested in a relationship, particularly with children. We can end up becoming used to abusive behaviour, because that is what has slowly become normal for us day to day, but I hope that you can see that this man's behaviour is the opposite of what you need and want and so the logical conclusion in my view is for you to seek a way out of the relationship.
Please don't think of it as throwing away the last 20 years but think if it as reclaiming the next 20. You really don't want this man's abusive behaviour in your life for the next 20 years do you?
And I agree with the others who have said reflect his own behaviour back at him, if you think it's safe to do so. My abusive husband tried the silent treatment on me but he only did it once, because after an hour of it, I just did it back to him. I wouldn't look at him and left the room if he came in, turned my back to him as much as possible etc etc. It only went on for another few hours because it seemed I was better at it than he was. Fancy that! 😀

He sounds awful

I would be telling my family about this - they wouldn't tolerate him chatting away like that while ignoring me.

Are you sure you want to stay with him? If someone stuck his finger up at me at my grandmother's funeral I'd be at the solicitor's at the first opportunity.

You are at your grandmothers funeral and he has told you to fuck off and is giving you the silent treatment! I would need a very big and heartfelt apology before I stayed in a relationship where someone was treating me like that.

It usually ends when I apologise which I don’t like doing but I want to end the silent treatment.

Today I’m at my grandmothers funeral gathering and he is giving me the silent treatment following an argument this morning about our sons behaviour. I just asked if I could talk to him quietly in private and he out his middle finger up at me and walked away.

ABUSE
ABUSE
ABUSE

Leave. Protect your kids from having to see this too. Or this is how they’ll expect to be treated, and treat others.
He doesn’t respect you and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. You deserve better than an abusive twat who makes your life harder.

Firm up plans to leave your, and in turn your kids, abuser. Do not do your bit here to teach them further damaging lessons about relationships. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue and is about power and control.

I’m sorry but it’s over. He has contempt for you and there’s no coming back from that.
Of course a loving supportive DH would be by your side at a funeral and I’m sure his behaviour hasn’t gone unnoticed
It’s already affecting your DC emotional welfare. They feel the atmosphere just as you do
Please protect them and leave.
He won’t change. He simply doesn’t want to.

so sorry you’re going through this. Can’t believe you’ve been together for 20 years and this is how your OH acts, in front of the kids too. I just can’t see how this can get any better. Evidently it’s only getting worse. Have to agree that unless counselling (separately) is a consideration for you, that perhaps start reading up on making silent and safe preparations to end this.

Print out some info about emotional abuse and stick it to the fridge door. Dont cook for him. You deserve better. I wouldn’t stand for that level of disrespect.

My ex used to use the silent treatment on me - for months at a time.

I divorced him eventually, and should have done it much sooner.

It is abuse.

He’s abusing and frightening your children. Please get them away from this misery

I would be silently filing for divorce and having the papers served on him without a word.

His behaviour at a funeral was so disgusting I couldn't ever speak to him again.

Is he ten? He sounds emotionally stunted. Plus, the silent treatment is abusive.

i couldn’t be arsed living with someone who was such a dick. I’d leave him.