Advice for DSis about her toxic ex

[feemcgee]

Any advice from anyone who has experienced this situation would be very welcome! My DSis has two kids, primary school age, and she is a single parent. Their dad is very bitter about the break up, which she initiated due to his terrible anger and scary behaviour. He occasionally has the children but cannot cope and loses his temper very easily, shouting and swearing at them. He then sends her a stream of absuive messages, blaming her for everything, and taking no responsibility for his actions.
She has never sought legal advice, would that help her to work out what she should do in terms of NC/LC? Does she maintain a relationship so the boys can still see him, even when he's awful to them? Any advice would be gratefully received.

If he’s being horrible to them and can’t cope, I would consider this a safeguarding issue and stop all contact. I would also report all the abusive messages to the police immediately. Tell her to keep the incident numbers and if she can, press charges for threatening and abusive behaviour and coercive control. She may not get a conviction but at least it will be a record of his bad behaviour and that’s what she needs for family court should he take her to court for contact.

It sounds as if he doesn’t see them very much anyway since you say he occasionally has them. Children need consistency not sporadic occasional contact.

Be might not even both going to court for access but if he does, it will be useful for her to have evidence of his abusive and aggressive behaviour, so she should def report him to the police. Then stop contact.

He will then have to petition the court if he wants contact and he may not bother doing that. He may just paint himself as the poor dad who’s evil, crazy ex stopped him seeing his children. She should seek legal advice from a family lawyer. They will often do a free first initial session.

@TipsyJoker Thank you so, so much for this. It's what we've been thinking but to see it in black and white is helpful. She is an overthinker and has avoided the police in case it affects his job and then affects the money he provides, but I think she needs to look at the bigger picture. I'm very grateful, thank you.

She needs to report him. If it affects his job that’s the consequences of his actions. I realise money might be a concern but her children’s safety trumps all else. Does she want them to grow up with zero self esteem because of their dad’s anger towards them? Does she want to risk him potentially snapping and harming them? Does she want this man as a role model for the children? Does she want them to grow up thinking this is how men behave and how women should be treated?

I would also urge her to speak to women’s aid for advice and support because this is post separation abuse. It’s a crime. They can support her through this. They can also often signpost to solicitors whom their clients have had good outcomes with. Some women’s aid centres also have solicitors come in and give free advice but not all. And she might want to read this book. It’s free

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

She should learn the grey rock method and employ it. Don’t get dragged in to any arguments. Don’t communicate about anything but the children. Tell her to use a parenting app, this way she has a record of communications in one place. She should communicate in such a way as if a judge is reading her communications. If she tells him not to contact her and he continues to do so, that’s harassment and she can apply for a non mol order.

Id also advise getting a ring doorbell or similar installed so that if he comes to her home it will be recorded. She should never answer the door to him but instead keep her doors locked and call the police if he turns up. She can contact the local police office and ask them to put a tag on her address because she’s ended her relationship with her abusive ex and she’s concerned about his anger and is a potential danger to her and the children. This means, if he does turn up and she calls the police, they will come out as a matter of priority.

Thanks, I'll send her the link. He's got a ring doorbell exactly because of this, and I'll recommend a parenting app. He seems to have some sort of narcisstic disorder but won't seek any help. He's certainly not going to change and as strong as my DSis is, there's only so much she can take.

She needs very strong boundaries and she need to try and keep him away from those kids if he’s abusive. He’s a safeguarding risk. I would also advise speaking with the kids school to make sure they’re aware that Dad is abusive and they may be able to offer some support to the children in the form of counselling or even better understand any behavioural changes or challenges that might crop up for the children. They can also be useful in terms of confirming Mum is supportive of school and engages well in the best interests of the children.