DD and ex, Gran and Grampa.

[longtermusernewname]

Before Christmas ex and I agreed to 50/50 with DD (10). He moved back in with his parents after we split.

She loves her grandparents, her Dad too but he's always been quite moody.

There were no issues until the 50/50, and it's an arrangement I asked DD if she was happy with before we settled on it (before then it was every Friday night and some Saturday nights).

Recently she's been complaining about him snapping at her and making her feel like she has to be perfect all the time, and if she's not he tells her she's lazy and disorganised, despite him forgetting even about school holidays which is then obviously left to me. As is reminding him about parents evening and really any event she has.

He took the day off yesterday as it was one of 'his days' and is off today and Monday because of Easter, but she doesn't want to see him at all over the holiday weekend. I refuse to force her to see anyone that makes her uncomfortable and I don't care who you are, Dad or not. He's too harsh.

Believe it or not, my biggest issue is her not seeing her grandparents over Easter weekend. She says when her Dad is really sharp her Gran (his Mum), laughs but that she knows she does that to make her feel better like it's not a big deal. She says her Grampa ignores it so as not to cause a fuss. So either way, she feels no one is on her side but she knows her grandparents love her as she does them.

I'm unsure where to go from here. I'm certainly not forcing her to go with her Dad, but what do I do about the grandparents? Do I contact them separately or just leave it? It's not that she never wants to see him ever again, she's just said she needs a break. But she's also said how awkward it will be when she does see him again.

They are fab grandparents but neither them or her Dad have even tried to message her the past couple of days so I'm no sure if he's made out I've stopped her going or something.

Tbh OP your main priority is your DD here, I would deal with her dad first and foremost and let him deal with the grandparents.

Does your DD still want to do 50/50? If not, you need to sit down with her dad and discuss it properly. I wouldn't be forcing a 10 year old to spend 50% of the time at somewhere she doesn't feel comfortable! It doesn't actually sound like a he's doing 50% of the work anyway.

Ask your DD what she would like to happen and work through it with her. Give her some options that you think might work for her. Listen to her and do what she’s most comfortable with.

Has he moved in with his DPs as you’re selling the family home and he’s waiting for his share of the equity (or similar) or is living with his DPs a long term plan?

It could be that your DD will be more comfortable around her father when he has his own place and it’s just the two of them, rather than three against one (& a father who plays to a fawning audience of his parents 🙄)

So it could be that you revert back to EOW until he has his own place, then go back to 50/50, but if he plans on living with his parents forever then it’s not so simple.

If they're fab grandparents, then don't keep her away from them. Maybe she can talk to her gran about it next time her dad is sharp with her?

I really don't think that you should get to involved in what happens there (within reason) any more than you'd want your ex getting involved in what happens in your time. I think it's more about helping your DD manage it, rather than her not going, so early. It's going to take time for the 50:50 to bed down. So I'd be encouraging her to go and helping her manage things at this point.

Obviously it's not great that he's snappy at the moment, but life has got complicated and he's living with his parents it seems, Which most of us would find hard, too.

Obviously keep tabs, but fab grandparents will hopefully be a support. They must be pretty sad to be missing her at Easter, I imagine.

Thanks for the replies, sorry it's taken so long for me to get back!

To answer some questions, we rented so no house to sell. He had his own flat then moved back in with his parents to save money - they don't charge him rent and he doesn't pay towards bills.

The 50/50 started because he was continually questioning the maintenance he gave me and any money towards her out of school clubs, so I flippantly said well if you don;t want to give me money, you should be taking equal responsibility. He surprisingly agreed (he only lives 10 mins up the road) so I spoke to her about it and asked how she was would feel and she said she wanted to so she could spend more time with her grandparents. I have never restricted her seeing anyone but they would only see her when she was with her Dad.

With regards to helping her manage it, she has been complaining about this temper recently and has always had a tendency to be this way, I think because he is seeing her more he's gotten too comfortable and is no longer trying to be fun Dad. My other children (not his) used to complain about him too which was one of the main reasons we split. He's was the same with me and still is. This morning he accused me of pretending she didn't want to go just to be spiteful. He then came to take our dog out and she insisted she didn't want to see him (to me), but he text her and asked her to come give him a hug. She was worried about it but he was all smiley and calm. She pretended she has a sore stomach and that's why she wouldn't go, so I would imagine he thinks I'm making it up (although I'm not bothered about that as he constantly accuses me of something so it's water off a ducks back now).

Nothing else has been said, although I'm pleased she has seen him because I genuinely do want it to be sorted out and for him just to realise that his behaviour has consequences, and that she's at an age where she has her own mind and I'm not going to force her into a situation she's uncomfortable with. I laid it all out for him and she knows I've told him, but it looks like he's just going to gloss over it as he clearly doesn't believe me and she won;t say anything to his face for fear of him getting angry. If it was me I would be devastated she felt that way and immediately try to resolve it, but he's clearly decided this is some sort of ploy from me and hasn't actually discussed it with me - just got defensive and started accusing me.

I will see what the weekend brings. I think now she might end up going on Sunday because he was nice today, although she's not actually said that. It just frustrates me so much that all I want is for her to be happy and feel safe with both parents, but any time there is an issue he gets pissed off and thinks there is some sort of agenda, so her feelings don't actually get taken seriously.

Sorry - that was so long!

I could tell you to stop the visits now.
tell you that this will affect her in ways you cannot imagine and in years to come.
I suspect you’ll ignore this and keep up the visits for the sake of ‘doing the right thing’
I wish I could go back in time myself , but hind sight is a wonderful thing.

Well, she didn't go. He didn't even ask. He text at 7pm to say happy easter, nothing from grandparents.

Sounds like he only wanted her 50/50 to save on paying maintenance rather than really wanting to spend quality time with her. I know in many cases 50/50 is a good option but doesn’t sound it in this case, it’s only been the way since Christmas and he’s snapping at her. It sounds like it might be better to go back to the previous level of contact and maybe he would make more of an effort if it were over a shorter time? Otherwise as your DD gets older she’s probably going to refuse to go at all.

Thank you. I agree with everything you say. I guess I just never envisioned that he would be this way, and I can't get my head round not wanting more time with your child? And as I said, I've told him why she doesn't want to go this week. If he had said that to me I would straight away look at myself and try to resolve it. I honestly think he really does believe this is somehow my doing.

I actually feel bad for him. I really don't think he gets how serious this is.