Living apart but long term relationship

[IWantAMassiveEasterEgg]

I’m 3 years in so while a good length of relationship I know it’s not long term in the real sense. I’m just trying to gauge how other people feel/deal with this set up.

i love my boyfriend- we are both in our 40’s and see each twice a week mainly around our dc’s but sometimes when we have them.

Id say 75% of the time I like the set up I do a lot of what I want, have my time and I couldn’t imagine upending the dc’s life by having someone move in.
(I’ve noticed it also depends on my cycle when I feel certain ways!).

However the other 25% I’m sad that it doesn’t feel ‘enough’ of a proper relationship and that in most parts of my life I feel single, household struggles dealt with alone, pressure of bills, not having that shared chat when each other comes in from work. I couldn’t care less about getting re-married but I would like to live with someone again in the future.
It doesn’t help that he lives 30 min drive away so not the distance where you’d pop in for a cup of tea in between the times we can stay over. In some aspects it feels almost superficial. I have a lot of things at his house but he hardly comes to mine mainly because he has a dog that doesn’t settle here and so we don’t sleep well and makes for a stressful evening but I suppose if we practiced more the dog might get used to it?

I do think it’s mostly healthy this set up as my older 2 dc’s are late teens and I genuinely wouldn’t move anyone in but how have others navigated this situation. Our dc’s don’t really mix with each other again because of age/and they’re so different to each other I don’t think it would harmoniously work say e.g a holiday all together. It wouldn’t be for anyone’s benefit. They get on fine enough for say a BBQ but again rarely all meet up with schedules/the teens crazy social lives.

Anyone in a similar situation or had experiences of the same?

Nothing to stop you living together in the future

just avoid whilst both have children dependent on you

I’m not as far down the line as you but was having the same thoughts yesterday, it just feels like life could be a lot easier if we lived under the same roof……save that constant planning ahead of when we see each other in an evening, taking work clothes and laptop bags back n forth depending on where we stay that night, working away and coming home to an empty fridge, 2 lots of household running costs (I reckon it costs about an extra £300 a month to live on my own co pared to if bills were shared, and that accounted for doubling the mortgage!)…….i don’t know the answer though, but I think while you’ve got kids living at home, what you’re doing probably sounds right.

I'm in exactly the same position and feeling exactly the same too. Both 40s, me older teens, him under 10s. Have 2 nights together every week, and every other weekend. We do spend the odd day out or lunch/dinner with all the children and they all get on, but there's a big age gap so don't frequently do activities together. We would like to live together but aren't planning to move in because we think it wouldn't be fair on the children. But I feel like I am doing everything on my own 5 days a week and that after 2 years there should be some sense of progression to a next stage. And it puts a sort of pressure on the time we do have. We are also paying out 2 lots of everything and would be financially better off under one roof. There's no real solution for us for now just wait for the future but I understand how you are feeling.

Thanks for your replies.

Hard isn’t it as the logical side of my brain thinks I’m doing what’s best for the children and to be fair neither of us have had proper sit down conversations about the future.
i think I’m partially worried I’m wasting my time in a ‘superficial’ set up but then I wouldn’t want to throw it away for something that may or may not even come to pass or I might not even want.

Suppose it keeps things fresh but I do miss the coziness of a marriage sometimes.

I'm in this situation too. It's not easy. Been together 7 years now, and we see each other half a weekend each fortnight (when child free). We're both mid 40's and live about 15 minutes away from each other. We only see each other at DP's house, also because of her pets. But beyond a toothbrush I don't keep anything else there.

Our kids were all primary age when we got together, now they're all tweens and teens. I thought it would get easier as the kids got older, but it's actually made our relationship harder. We used to do activities, days out, holidays all together, and the kids mostly got on great (we met through some of our kids being friends). Now one of DP's teenage kids doesn't like us all mixing together (seems like the competition for attention is his issue), so that's scuppered us doing anything as a group. Which means we see less of each other than we used to.

Also, the kids getting older means they have more hobbies and interests that take priority over us seeing each other. For example, if one of our kids has a sports event on, we can end up swapping our child contact arrangements with our ex partners, and so our one weekend child free together gets scuppered. Sometimes it feels like we only see each other when the stars align, longest that's been was nearly 3 months without even catching up for a coffee. I dearly long for us to have more of a relationship and spend more time together, but I know that kids take priority.

I think what always kept me going was the light at the end of the tunnel - the idea that when the kids all reach adulthood that we'll live together as a couple (at the outset I thought we might even be able to blend and live together sooner). But I think that light is gradually fading rather than getting closer. Adult kids probably aren't going to all just disappear off into the world and do their own thing at 18-20 years old.

But the bigger thing that seems to be emerging is that our kids being friends and similar ages are the biggest thing we have in common. Take them out of the equation and our likes and interests look completely different.

We're also both quite independent, so while living together seemed like a dream, I'm starting to think the reality of it might be completely different, especially as by the time our kids are adults, we'll both have got very accustomed to our own space.

I think the longer it goes on, and the more my end game seems to be slipping away, the more I'm feeling like it's actually just a situation ship - companionship that works for our current circumstances, but I suspect won't last once our kids are grown up. Which is somewhat sad and depressing, but even more so because I think that's always how my partner has seen it from the outset.

I don't think 30 minutes is too far apart, you could easily have dinner together etc. We have to drive 20+ minutes to do anything, you just have to do it and get used to it.

Dd's live in a town and think she lives in the back end of nowhere, its just not what they are used to.

My partner and I live separately and both prefer it that way, so I'm bringing a different perspective. Be careful what you wish for.
This is why I love "living apart together":
-We get to enjoy two houses instead of one. One is in the city and one in the countryside which is wonderful and luxurious. I will never be in a position to own a second home, but this is the next best thing!

• I get all the freedom of living alone - a big bed all to myself, the food I want, live life according to my own schedule and whims.

-I get to see my partner regularly and our sex is still fantastic because we have had the chance to miss each other -Our relationship feels healthier because we don't have to deal with the mundanity of picking up each others dirty underwear or having to deal with each others annoying habits day in day out -He is only a phone call away and always there if I need his support or his mine.

I spent 5 years in my 40s with my ex and we never lived together, despite no children. He lived an hour from where I lived and half an hour from my work and we still saw each other 3 times a week. We would meet somewhere after work or I'd drive to his place before driving home - a total of nearly 90 minutes' drive. At the weekend he'd come and stay at mine or I'd go up to him on the Sunday and go to work from there the next day. I didn't see it as a faff.

Originally I was miffed that the relationship would not progress any further, but eventually I became glad that our lives were not further mingled. Surely there must be a pub/restaurant/coffee shop about 15 minutes away where you could see each other?

Given all the nightmare stories with stepchildren and step-parents I think you're doing the right thing by your kids. If it's meant to be, it will last and if not at least you didn't mess up your family on the way. Do you feel you have a strong relationship despite the distance, do you talk on the phone etc? 30 minutes is nothing in terms of time although I appreciate it means an hour overall.