Aibu? Making contact with an ex

[BlueRice]

I think I’m being UR and OTT. But wanted to voice it. I was legitimately using DH’s phone earlier and then went off course and looked through his messages. I have probably done this twice in the past decade. My bad, I admit. Nothing more than curiosity.

I found a message to an ex four years ago, just saying he was passing through where she lived and “thought” of her. She responded that she’d seen he’d met someone. He said yes he was happily married.

Something that’s really stuck with me is he made a point of telling another ex not to contact him as it was disrespectful because he was now in a relationship (on a separate occasion) but in contrast to that HE in the one who has reached out to this ex.

I’m a bit fed up with other things right now so conscious I’m pinning it onto this.

But I’m a bit annoyed - I had a 3 month old, our second child, I was overcome with PND and PNA and he was largely absent due to work and I was sinking with a toddler and baby and he was “thinking” of his ex!

I was legitimately using DH’s phone earlier a

anonymous chat op. You don’t need to tell us porkies!

4 years ago??! You must have spent a bloomin age trawling through his messages

I’m a bit fed up with other things right now so conscious I’m pinning it onto this.

ah probably explains why you were “legitimately” looking in the first place

No - I was downloading an app for him and logging in. That part was true. I often help him with things like that. He was stood in front of me whilst I did the legitimate bit. I didn’t have to look far - it was at the top of his deleted messages on Facebook. I went for deleted as decided that was more logical than the inbox.

And he just stood and watched you have a root around?

what are the other issues you alluded to?

Can’t work out how downloading an app for him would have involved doing on his FB deleted messages

@Eveningstart no - I wandered off for the illegitimate bit. I put his phone in my pocket. He was occupied with something.

You can choose to focus on the part he messaged her or the part where he actively told her he was happily married! He can’t help it if his brain made him think of ex. Okay you might have preferred he didn’t message her but it sounds innocent enough and frankly if you’re looking back four YEARS, you were looking for dirt to sling and you don’t come off well in doing so.

If other things are bothering you, raise them with him for what they are - don’t make it about this.

Im not pretending the second part was unintentional 🤣 I did snoop. Im not denying it.

And he just watched you do it??!

@Eveningstart I’ve explained above - why are the logistics so important to you?

This
just this

@Merrygoround8 thank you, that’s the kind of rational advice I know I need.

Curiosity about him standing in front of you watching you have a root around on his phone

Oh

well clearly he’s not hiding anything op

Something that’s really stuck with me is he made a point of telling another ex not to contact him as it was disrespectful because he was now in a relationship (on a separate occasion) but in contrast to that HE in the one who has reached out to this ex.

Every breakup is different and every ex is different. I would tell an ex not to contact me if it was an acrimonious breakup or he had a pattern of disrespecting boundaries. On the other hand if I was passing through the area of an ex I'd broken up with amicably, why not message to say you were thinking of them? Platonically, of course, which is what this was.

Going through deleted messages somehow feels even more intrusive than just going through his inbox (which would already be a dumping offence to me). You were hoping to find something incriminating and you've found the opposite.

Thanks @gannett for your measured advise.

I didn’t think you could see deleted messages from Facebook, how do you do this lol

id also be pissed off tbh wether it was 4 years ago or 4 hours

@Mrsknowitall it was archived which I think is the same difference?

This was a deep dive!

oh gosh op. It was 4 years ago and he was very clear he was HAPPILY married. Let it go.

Get a grip he's done nothing wrong.

He’d be pissed off with me in the same circumstances.

Op you have marriage issues

current ones

focus on them rather than something from 4 years ago

Ok @Eveningstart i understand you don’t condone my conduct.

Ok interpret my advice like that 🙄