Can’t escape bullying boss

[Deadlyboss]

DH previously badly bullied by boss. After a long story, he has found another job. His previous firm went bust Now his old, bullying boss is coming in to schmooze and will probably get hired. DH obv super stressed and is working on his CV. I am overwhelmed with anxiety and fear again, how can I a) stop feeling like this b) help DH cope?
should he talk to HR? a the union? He wasn’t the only one to get bullied but obviously no one said anything. This man has caused us so much grief.

He can contact Acas for advice and his union if he belongs to one.

This is really sad. Bullies in the workplace are vile. However, your DH doesn't have to give this awful man any power over him. I get he had a terrible experience, but this is an adult workplace where your DH is allowing some moron who doesn't even work there an enormous amount of power over him. He can choose not to.

If he is so anxious he has absolutely no resilience or ability to feel in his own power and have boundaries around what he will accept from a visitor at work, then this something he needs professional help with.

Objectively, DH has a perfect opportunity to show that he will not be bullied ever again,by anyone. If this visitor to DHs' work tries to bully an actual member of staff at that workplace, how will he get a job at that workplace?

DH and/or yourself just need to stay calm, nothing might even happen, the thought of things are often much worse than the reality. Catatsrophising won't help,or change anything, it just makes everything worse and is self sabotage .

If this bully even ends up working there,and that's a big if, things have changed and bully will be the newbie, and DH has to instill assertive boundaries from day 1. All adults have to have assertive boundaries at work at some point, it's part of adulting and growth to be able to. Bullies quickly retreat when met with calm, assertive boundaries.

Also, DH new workplace,like the vast majority now, should have cameras . DH should familiarise himself with where they are, do they have audio? And be smart about positioning when choosing to interact with this visitor,if needs be
.
Otherwise, just a brief, neutral "hello" and no interaction with this visitor would be a healthy choice.

You can't really reassure your DH,but you can research how to control your own anxiety. It sounds like there is a high level of anxiety for you both? You might need professional support with the lies anxiety tells you.

DH , as all adults do, has got to do the work himself to teach himself how to feel more secure and assertive, nobody else can do it for him. He's lucky he has an understanding,supportive spouse because many of us have to literally fight to survive serious ,life threatening physical , sexual and mental childhood abuse completely alone. If we can do that, adults can reclaim their own power .

I have been in exactly this situation op, and it's horrendous so sympathy to you both. I escaped one workplace where I was being targeted and bullied, only for some years later to join another workplace where I was unlucky enough to end up working alongside this same woman. Initially, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, believing that she would have changed and wanted to start with a fresh slate but nothing prepared me for the reality - she actually doubled down in her efforts and managed to ostracize me from the entire department. She'd spun a yarn that I was the problem and bit by bit, everyone of my colleagues believed her lies. I left. In hindsight, I wish I had gone to hr and logged all of the incidents but I felt so mentally broken by this point that I couldn't think of anything but getting out of there, so effectively she won for the second time. If your husband has fragile mental health and is still triggered by this person's presence, he has only two options - go straight to hr and get his side of the story in first before they join the company or leave. These people do not change.

Somebody on here some time ago had to work with her old school bully and the bully had been totally awful. She told HR at her workplace and she had quite a lot of help. They made sure she did not actually work with the bully, apparently it was unlikely the bully would pass her probationary time so I reckon it is worth letting HR know. Also if they haven't yet recruited the person the person might find they aren't recruited. Yes I think letting the Union know as people have the right to work without the worry of bullying. I wish your DH all the best.

The bully is not yet hired so DH has the perfect opportunity to give them a heads up to not hire him. DH needs to provide specific examples of this bullies behaviour, including examples that DH witnessed but did not directly affect your DH. If the workplace is halfway decent, they will heed DH’s warning and avoid the bully like the plague.

DH should open with
“I saw X here the other day. I used to work with him, he didn’t have a good reputation.”

Hello , well the boss has been hired. He is two or so bosses above DH who will have to show work to him.
this boss caused DH so much stress - knicked his work/ sent him to Coventry/ didn’t pass on info etc etc. in the end DH had an aneurysm. The branch the boss was managing was later closed, and the only idea they kept was DHs . This boss told everyone the idea was other people’s work and DH had little to do with it.
This boss is very good at schmoozing and has friends high up in the new company. DH didn’t feel confident to mention it to HR or the union or even ACAS. he feels they would take the boss’ side and make life hard for him.
DH does have records - at one time he was going to go to a tribunal.
I am so tempted to call acas on the quiet. I can’t believe this man put us through so much stress and he’s still f@@@ing here.
thank you.