Is this emotional cheating, not ok or am I completely in the wrong?

[Itsjustme543]

Is this emotional cheating, not ok or am I completely in the wrong?

Boyfriend of 3 years, live together. He doesn't have many friends but has a few he chats to every now and again. Doesn't go out much with mates. He has a couple of friends that are women, I've always tried to be cool about this as they chat but probably meet once in a blue moon. 1 of them is a lesbisn so not worried there. 1 lives over in a different European country, we live in UK. Obviously they don't meet really, he flew out to meet up/weekend away when we first got together so over 2 years ago now. That was the last time he saw her. She is now coming over here. They've been messaging General chit chat since Xmas. Sending normal, how's your day? How's work messages. And then also photos if their days which I think is a bit much. He's agree to meet up with her when she comes over.

The issue I have is he hasn't told me he's messaging her. Never brings her up in conversation and when I ask if he's spoken to any friends recently says no. I have had to go through his phone to find these messages. Yes I know that is bad of me. These messages had been archived even though they were constantly chatting. He told her yesterday that he went to a specific place and she asked if he had gone on his own. He said "yeah, I'm sure you would have liked it.'
He went with me. He never mentions me in messages and it feels like he's hiding this from me. I don't know how to bring this up as I know it will be turned back on me going through his phone and he will say that he has done nothing wrong. Surely hiding them, not telling me and not mentioning me to her is wrong?

Yes you are right. The fact he seems to be hiding your existence from her and his messaging her from you is a red flag. Don't worry that you snooped to find out. Have it out with him and set what boundaries you are OK with and if he won't agree you will need to decide at what stage the relationship is over

He told her yesterday that he went to a specific place and she asked if he had gone on his own. He said "yeah, I'm sure you would have liked it.'
He went with me.

This isn’t ok. And yes I’d see that as emotional cheating as he doesn’t want her to know about you and is likely lining her up for physical cheating when he sees her. If they were genuinely friends he wouldn’t feel the need to hide you.

Yes, completely wrong. I"m a straight woman, my best friend of over 25 years is a straight man. In a relationship, our friendship is treated exactly the same as my friendships with my female friends. Because it is.

Him treating this "friendship " differently, hiding their texts, hiding you from her...is because it's obviously not a normal, healthy platonic friendship. What exactly it is ,you might never know, but that's not the point. The point is, he is a liar ,is presenting himself as single to her so he is lying to her ( maybe she would want to include you or not even be up for meeting him if she knew about you) but obviously,most importantly...he is lying to you. He is treating you disgracefully. How people behave should be ethical and consistent, if people know or not. He is neither ethical or trustworthy.

Yes, it's wrong to snoop... but in a healthy relationship with an ethical person everything is out in the open so you never even think of snooping. If you only find out the truth by snooping, then it is justified, and it's already too late .

Dunp him , he's a liar, is emotionally cheating , untrustworthy and behaving in a way that has destroyed your relationship. His choices have consequences. You deserve better. You may only get closure by speaking with the friend , her reaction to his lies about you to her will be interesting.

It sounds like she is his long distance girlfriend and that's why he isn't mentioning you.
I would end your relationship with him.

The “archiving” of the chat is something to be concerned about. He’s effectively trying to hide the chat if you ever quickly glance at his WhatsApp.

You are right. as a man, I think i would not like it if my woman does this. Sadly i have faced this issue before with one lady and she was cheating (never mentioning me in her messages to a guy etc)

I think not mentioning you does indicate that he wants to present as single in case the opportunity for something to come up happens. Sorry, OP.

I also think the fact that you have searched through his messages is bad. I do understand why you have done it, but nonetheless. I would say the trust is gone here, there has been poor behaviour on both sides, and the answer may be to end this relationship. (Unless you both feel strongly enough about it to be honest with each other and really work at the problems here).

Oh dear. This isn't on, is it? Does this woman even know you exist, or is she coming over assuming they can pick up where they left off?