After the affair support thread

[FrillySocksAndDocs]

I'm 14 months on from finding out about H on/off affair. I've tried to move on, I've tried therapy. I'm constantly telling myself that if we were in a good place he would never have gone there. But I'm haunted every single day. This has mentally destroyed me.

I have nobody in rl who has been through this, if you moved on from the affair what helped? I'm beyond desperate and oh so sad.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you decided to try and make it work with your husband?
either way it’s incredibly difficult to process this kind of deep deception, even more so I imagine if you try to make it work as there is pressure on you to make things as normal as possible again while trying to understand how everything you knew wasn’t what it seemed.
I think the issue is it calls into question every memory, every good moment and it leaves uncertainty around everything that is said or done moving forward. It’s almost impossible not to be blinded by resentment. I also think it’s hard not to feel unbelievably stupid for not seeing it or for believing lies but that’s not the case at all and you will learn to trust your own judgement again.
people feel an obligation to stay but if you don’t feel it’s something you will ever be able to find peace with then it will haunt you and your relationship until it falls apart anyway. This wasn’t your choice and it wasn’t your fault, you dealt with a relationship that wasn’t wonderful without straying from your marriage so your husband should have been able to do the same. This doesn’t have to destroy you and one day you will find peace and happiness again, whether it’s with your husband or without him is the choice you need to make x

You can still decide that enough is enough.

Just because you chose to stay at the time, doesn't mean you're locked into that decision forever. It's OK to say you've tried but the affair killed the relationship, if you can't see a way forward anymore.

There's nothing wrong in that, it's not a failure on your part - he's the one who fucked things up.

And also, affairs don't always stem from the relationship being in a bad place and therefore the injured party somehow has to take on the blame. Sometimes people cheat because they have the opportunity and they're selfish. You don't have to keep hurting yourself with this narrative of fault.

No words of advice but here for a handhold…

A year ago I found out my partner had been on dating apps for an unconfirmed amount of time talking to many women - unsure if there was any actual met ups. Anyway, I’m currently in therapy to help me process it but I’m still struggling with it. I have decided to stay for the kids but often debate with myself if I’ve made the right choice for me.

Google surviving infidelity and get support there from people who’ve been through it. They say it takes 5 years to heal from an affair on average. It’s early days yet.

Also, nothing you did is an excuse for him having an affair. He chose to do that. If your relationship needed work, he should’ve been focusing on that, not fucking another woman.

You need to get the idea out of your head that this was anything else than a choice he made because he could and he wanted to. Otherwise you are in danger of excusing his behaviour and making allowances for him being a lying cheat. He’s shown you who he is and what he is capable of. You should consider if this is someone you want to put your trust in and potentially put your health at risk with. Consider how you are going to feel on edge every time you have a disagreement or aren’t getting along perfectly. Will you be panicking that he will cheat again if your relationship hits a rough patch in future? Do you want to live like that?

I'm constantly telling myself that if we were in a good place he would never have gone there.
You were in the same relationship as him; would it have been his fault if you were the one to cheat?

if you moved on from the affair what helped?
divorce

I'm glad someone has mentioned surviving infidelity already because it really is an excellent online resource. You will find the forum on there a much better place for support than Mumsnet.

I am nearly 2.5 years post discovery of my DH's emotional and physical affair. I'd say it took around 18 months (and a house move) to really start to improve. Before that it was constant cycling between sadness, anger etc. I still think about it but it no longer dominates my daily thoughts.

Keep up the therapy, the reading, and the self care. It helped me to let go of the outcome and focus on my own recovery. I am still married, but saving the relationship was not my primary aim. Try to surround yourself with non-judgemental, supportive people, whether that be online, real life friends, or a good therapist. It can be a real opportunity for growth. I will be forever changed by the betrayal but there was no way I was letting it (or him and OW) control my narrative.

Hi all sorry for bumping up a thread from earlier on in year,but OP i was just wondering how you are? I found your thread as im going through and feeling exactly the same at moment, so been searching posts. I found out in July, husbands emotional affair and sexting with work colleague. so still technically early days. The replies to this post are lovely and helpful and helped me too. Surviving infidelity is a good forum.
How are you getting on hope you are doing ok? ❤️❤️❤️