Strained relationship with 12yo dd

[littlelostcat]

I am really struggling to have a good relationship with my daughter. She turns 13 next month. I also have a son who’s 10. He and I are very close. He gets lots of my time and attention, but this is in part due to him having adhd, and difficulty forming any lasting friendships with other kids. He relies on me a LOT. I suspect he is high functioning autistic too.
Anyway, my relationship with my girl has always been difficult. She has never been a touchy feely person, even as a baby she would struggle if I tried to cuddle her. In her single-figure ages she seemed to do things with the intention to annoy or upset me - I fully understand that this was most likely for attention, so I tried doing things just with her but we always seemed to clash and have little in common to bond over.
Now she’s in high school and I feel we have even less in common. She’s doing all the usual pre-teen rolling of eyes and talking back etc. but I had thought this was just at home and could cope with that. However, in last last two weeks I had call from her form teacher and she’s been talking back to teachers when asked not to chew gum in class etc. she’s also making v frequent loo breaks out of classes like maths that she doesn’t like (teacher worried that she might be diabetic, so I made drs appt but she refused to go. BTW I don’t think it’s that as she doesn’t have those symptoms at home).
We had an argument two days ago . She’s into wearing lots of jewellery at the minute and I noticed that she was wearing a gold ring with and opal and sapphires that had belonged to my grandmother. She had got it from my room without asking . I asked for it back and saw then that she had bent it badly to make it stay on her smaller fingers and one of the sapphires has fallen out and is lost now as a consequence of her bending it. It’s wrecked. I was v cross.
my husband is aware of the situation. She plays Fortnite with him and spends time with him more than me (although they don’t have deep conversations about feelings etc.).
he thinks it stems from jealousy of my close relationship with ds, which I get; but when I try to find common ground with her it never works .
She only wants me if she needs money or wants taken to a friends house or something.
How do I reach out to her ? It’s constantly ruining our family atmosphere. I have to separate the children all the time as they mainly bicker with each other and she teases him constantly.
I find it hard to spend time with her alone. She either puts on silly voices or asks me obvious questions or wants me to look at inane TikTok videos that I have no interest in.
Perhpas I am a horrible person, but I’m trying and this situation is killing me.
all I can think of is to sell up, husband live with her and me with son until this phase passes!!! Please help.

I would look into family therapy which you will likely have to fund privately.
Her showing you silly TikToks or asking obvious questions is her way of trying to connect with you, it doesn't matter that it's not interested to you you're the adult you need to make more effort and time with her. She's defensive because she feels you don't like her. She won't come to you with deep issues until she feels she can trust you which will take time. I think professional help is needed because you were never close according to your post so the issues run deep. I fear that if you don't get family therapy, you will try some tips on here for a bit then give up, the relationship will deteriorate further and she will spiral making life changing consequences like dropping off school or getting into drugs or pregnant so she and you as a family need to involve a therapist.

this is 12 year olds!!!

i also have a 12 and 10 - and the 10 is sweetness and light compared to the 12 year old. Someone said to me the other day - being 12 is like being an italian footballer - lots of shouting and no frontal cortex activity.

My husband is much better than me at connecting to the 12 yr old - also through gaming etc.

I think part of it is just a real acceptance of what it is to be a young teen/tween. Borrowing stuff, breakign it - they are just impulsive and not as aware of consequences.

They are beginning to pull away from family and care more about friends.

Just try to be tolerant and find something you could do with them once a week?

My mum and I were very similar to this. My childhood and teenage was very similar to what you describe. My younger sibling was born with a medical condition and needed a lot of treatment and surgery as a young child. Understandably this was hard on my mum and I felt very second place in the family. Their bond grew as my sister aged. I felt my mum’s attention was always priotised on my sister. I started to prefer my father’s company as I got his undivided attention. As a teenager my sister was better and my mum did try to connect with me. Sadly I think I behaved in a very similar way to your daughter. This continued throughout my 20s whilst my sister and mum remained very close. Things gradually shifted as we all aged. My sister and I became friends and very close so the dynamics switched and then I became a mum myself which drew my own mother and I even closer. We have a genuinely lovely relationship now.

Your DD is probably jealous of your relationship with DS. My advice would be spend time with her with no expectations or judgement but filled with kindness and let her grow towards you, don’t force it or she’ll pull away. I hope that helps. It’s kind of what I would have liked my own mum to have done 20 years ago. xx

I don't have the dynamic of the ds but my dd is this age and it's exhausting.
They do come out the other side of it.
As pp said, the videos etc are important to her, just fake the interest!

Please start doing family therapy!
This dynamic is now beyond what you yourself can fix. Something needs to happen at the root of the problem, which has been going on too long.

Given the history of ND in the family, have you considered that she may be autistic? (I know posters always tend to suggest this, but there are autistic females in my family.) Girls present very differently than boys. It may be worth getting this checked out. You say she's not touchy feely....

Also, the 'acting out' at school could be her masking and trying to fit in. Equally, it could just be normal behaviour for a girl her age! Just think it's worth investigating. How is she with change?

Second the investigating ASD. It is so very different in girls.

She’s trying to throw you a line with the silly voices and the TickTock videos. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t interested in them - she is, and she wants to share them with you. Does she like any of the dance routines on TickTock? Could you learn one together? Could you play Fortnight with her? You’ll be shit at it, so she can help you. Meet on her turf first.