Husbands negativity - visiting family

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How you deal with it? Been married 10 years and we’ve got a two year old. Our lives are busy, no real help apart from the nursery and we both work 4 longish days and do one day of childcare each. DH is constantly moaning about how he’s so tired, no time for himself, never sees his friends, money, visiting family, the way I stack the dishwasher etc etc. It’s starting to really get to me. His own family are like this and he says his dad was awful growing up and brought the whole family down. I don’t want our DD raised in house like that.

The latest moan has been about visiting my family for a day. It’s a family event and it’s expected he’ll be there but he’s moaning that he doesn’t want to go as wants a day off on his own. I think we’ve got an obligation to visit family so they can spend time with DD. I also never moan about visiting his family.

Our families are very different both socially and financially. The different expectations of us from in laws and siblings is often the cause of arguments between us. My family are much more sociable and we’d go out for family meals for celebrations. DH family never do anything apart from sit in the house. They don’t really have any sort of social life.

I could write a lot more but there are already loads of moaning DH posts on mumsnet!

Do you spend more time with your family than with his? Does he expect you to go with him when he visits his family?

He sounds generally very negative about everything which must be quite draining for you. However, if you visit your family a lot and the expectation is that he must always go with you, that there is an obligation for him to do that, I don't think he is being unreasonable not to want to visit with you every time you go.

If he comes from a much less sociable family, he might find your family dynamics overwhelming.

However, if he insists that you go with him when he visits his family, he is being reasonable and he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

We probably spend slightly more time with my family but only because they do more. I don’t expect him to go all the time, just for big occasions like this family birthday coming up. I also visit them on my own a lot. I also find him quite rude on these occasion, he’s going to get taken out for a lovely dinner and all he’s doing is moaning,.

When it comes to his family I know his mum expects me to visit so I just go, I don’t moan about it to DH even though I’d rather be doing something else. They just sit in the house and moan about everything. They also never make an effort to visit us whereas my family do.

What you say about family dynamics is definitely part of it.

I’m just fed up having these arguments with DH over and over.

“Do you know what, DH? This is what my life is like. And I like it. And you knew that. And you still married me. You had plenty of opportunity to find a wife elsewhere. So, let’s just get on with it, please”.

Maybe he really is tired and needs a break. How about suggesting he takes a day off this time?

Yes he’s tired and needs but so am I! I work the same hours and definitely do more childcare. He very regularly gets a weekend day to himself while I do things with DD. He’s also been on two weeks golfing holidays with friends since we had DD! He definitely gets more time to himself already. He just doesn’t want to do this. He really doesn’t really want to spend time with his family either in fairness. It’s me that drives that a lot too.

His own family are like this and he says his dad was awful growing up and brought the whole family down.

Have you pointed out to him that he's carrying on his family tradition of moaning?

I think I would (repeatedly 😂)and ask him to attend counselling or CBT or something to break out of his pattern of negativity.

If it's a special event for family, I think it's right for spouses to attend too, but if it's just duty visits, those can be ducked out of. On both sides.

But yeah, I wouldn't keep tolerating this ongoing behaviour when he's recreating something he hated himself growing up. He needs to get self-aware.

Have you bluntly said to him "you do realise you sound like your dad?"

This.

He sounds depressed really, but what kind of motivation & actions is he showing to try and improve how he feels and his life?

If he's not, he might be one of those men that when they had children, they mainly wanted to spread their genes and join in with the fun part of parenting when it suits them, and otherwise carry on with their lives as if they were still single and childfree.

A) stop visiting his parents. He learned his misery from them. And make it explicit: your negativity and inability to connect emotionally with others is destructive. And I don’t want the children to catch it.

B) recognize that he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence or bandwidth to enjoy the company of family—any family. Its not a “lovely dinner out” if he has to, as he sees it, pay the tax of (ugh) socializing.

C) your marriage is on a slippery slope to misery. Try reading childrearing books like “raising lifelong learners” or “raising the optimistic child” because he missed a developmental step and is very stuck in a collapsed, childish, resentful state. He only knows and appreciates selfish pleasures that don’t include you or the children. Family dinners with your lovely parents is the least of your problem. He doesn’t know how to enjoy life with you.

I couldn’t be doing with this. My family is more sociable than dh’s but he doesn’t moan about going out for meals with my lot etc.
I would go without him if he’s going to ruin your day by moaning.

It sounds like he is quite introverted and needs a bit of time to recharge? I am like that. It isn't about wanting to get out of things, it's more like I go a bit weird if I don't have some time staring at a wall every now and again. (The years with small children were obviously very difficult.)

I mean he might be a miserable twat but when you said about your family being sociable, and him not having had any time to himself, I thought, ah, that's me...

Are you also like this?

DH is constantly moaning about how he’s so tired, no time for himself, never sees his friends, money, visiting family, the way I stack the dishwasher etc etc.

I don't think he's introverted. I think he's recreating his childhood family dynamic.

Not as a rule, but when it gets too much I can moan a lot, yes.

Look how would I know if he's an arse or not? I am a stranger on a forum trying to give a possible perspective that an extroverted person wouldn't be able to have. The OP must judge for herself.

Have you ever started saying "you sound miserable like your dad" everytime he starts? And ask him "is what you're saying is that you don't want to spend time together as a family? Just be straight with me so that I can adjust accordingly"

Have you posted it before op?
it seems very familiar.
anyway , imho, Stop visiting his family - period.
if you love your dh I’d cut him some slack on visiting your family- fit now I’d go on my home (don’t moan / just tell family dh is introverted / needs time ti recharge / depressed or whatever.

As a pp suggested have you told him he sounds like his dad? It's a learned behaviour I think just constant negativity rubs off, if you are going out with or visiting your family, I'd probably acknowledge his feelings then carry on enjoying the occasion.

I just also identify as introverted and don't relate at all to the moaning this guy appears to do.

I might want to opt out of social events and force myself to attend some things for other people's sakes but it's not an ongoing whingefest about everything and anything. 😁

What to the arguments go like? I can't understand how he thinks he's correct.

Have you told him how unattractive his whining and rudeness is? Doesn't sound like he cherishes you and enhances your life.

I'm very antisocial and a complete introvert and manage to not be rude, argue or whine. It's easy.

Is it absolutely necessary that he goes to your family event? I'd leave him at home. Nothing worse than someone doing something with you, when it is clear they don't want to be there.

Of course, this works both ways and you are perfectly within your rights to say no to visiting his family if/when you don't wish to in the future.

I'm just thinking that maybe this is not a hill to die on. He doesn't have to visit your family every time you do, and vice versa. He could have this one off and in exchange he could take the DC to see his family when the time comes. I'm sure you are equally tired, but that means you both need a break, not that neither of you does.

Really useful to hear everyone’s thoughts on this. I haven’t posted before. Although not a hill to die on there is a pattern of negative behaviour. Negativity is the default with his whole family. DH had quite poor upbringing, his Dad lost his job at age 30 and refused to find another one as ‘it wasn’t his fault the factory shut’ and spent the rest of his life on benefits. Everything else has more money or better car etc. Although DH got an education and made something of his life he still slips into this ‘life is so miserable, I’ll be happy when x,y happens’. I worry that he’ll never find contentment. I honestly believe you can choose happiness (to an extent). There’s joy in the small things but he’s unable to do this.

Interestingly we had counselling in the past due to fertility issues and the counsellor picked up on DH thinking patterns and suggested a session with her on that away from the ivf. She thought he had very negative, rigid thinking patterns that he learned in childhood that would benefit from more counselling. He dismissed it and thinks it’s an inherited trait that he can’t change.

So I’m going to have a talk with him, suggest he does some CBT or therapy. Buy the books on raising optimistic happy children. On this occasion I was quite firm, told him he was like his Dad (he disagrees) and was being rude. So he is rather apologetically going to come and has even offered to help with logistics and buying wine etc. I’ve also agreed that we get time to ourselves soon too.

thanks for all your insight.

He dismissed it and thinks it’s an inherited trait that he can’t change.

Ain't that convenient? Doomed by genetics to repeat his dad's behaviour so he doesn't even have to try to change it.

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh and it's the product of his negative thought patterns, but it's frustrating to hear he acknowledges he is like this yet isn't galvanised into action to change it.

A person can "rewire" their brain a bit: it's hard work to stay out of those patterns, but it's worth a shot for you and your kids, surely? And for himself, because what a fucking miserable existence always looking at what's wrong and not what's right.

Good luck OP 🙂

He learned early on that one is kept safe from shame or from acknowledging failure by blaming ithers, or circumstances, and by retreating or hiding from situations where one might be exposed to new things, so ial life, challenges, or even pleasure. He learned never to take risks and all things were seen as risky.

I do hope you can help him turn this around. There are other childrearing books like The Behavior Code which his behavior reminds me of. The basic insight of this book which teachers use to understand the behavior of young children is that a lot of the refusal part (fighting, complaining, procrastinating) is because the child believes or feels that he lacks the requisite skill for the task. If maths that he doesn’t know the steps. If writing that he will fail or be criticized. If socializing that he will be rejected.