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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you ‘fit in’ with your family?

34 replies

Moopsie · 17/04/2025 00:25

I’ve lived away from my family and home town since I left for university 20 years ago. I visit a couple of times a year, but I’m starting to think I might not bother anymore.

I grew up in social housing on a vast, incredibly depressing post-war build council estate. Burned out cars, dog poo, gangs of kids and broken glass in the gullies. Three successive generations live on that exact same estate to this day.

I was the eldest of too many kids and we were dirt poor, raised on tinned meatballs and Smash. Education was not a priority to anyone but me, I was desperate to get out. As kids, my siblings and extended family made fun of me for trying. It was the 90s, so listening/trying and being keen to get on was deeply uncool and got me mockery at home and several bully beatings at school! As soon as I could leave, I did.

My grandparents were the type who said people needed to be taken down a peg, got above their station etc and this passed on to my father. He was a labourer in a factory after leaving school and had no further ambition. Life was up, work, dinner, pub, darts, bag of chips, home by 11 and asleep in front of the TV with his fag still burning.

The whole family was quite affronted when I went to uni, believing I was saying their life wasn’t good enough for me and who did I think I was. My uni boyfriend met my folks on one single (eventful) occasion and called my grandparents Onslow and Daisy.

None of my family really like me. We don’t have much in common, but they’re still my relatives. I’m starting to think it’s not worth visiting anymore, though, because they’re always quite horrible and I end up feeling awful. I have my ‘own’ family, but my DC hate going because it’s so different from our pretty middle class, education-forward home and environment.

Does anyone else feel like they don’t fit in their family? What do you do?

OP posts:
Movingon2024 · 17/04/2025 00:32

i empathise, op. Similar situation but for different reasons.

not fitting in is one thing. But, them resenting you for having drive and ambition, for doing well & for building a lovely life. That is something else.

I ended up going very low contact. I saw little or no affection for me, and definitely no pride in me or respect for me. I had to work through the hurt - counselling helped - but once I did, it was freedom, really.

it’s sad that their own resentment blinds themselves to your success, but it’s their loss. Reverse snobbery is horrible.

you don’t have to cut them off explicitly or make a big deal of it. I just gradually withdrew and focused on my own feelings. Good luck x

savethatkitty · 17/04/2025 00:35

Firstly, congratulations for striving for something more! No-one should bring you down for wanting to improve.

I was the same. First in my extended family to attend university. I wasn't celebrated. I was the leper who thought I was better than everyone else. Spoiler alert - I never once thought I was better than anyone.

Moopsie · 17/04/2025 01:24

Thank you both, mostly for reassuring me that I’m not really the problem! I’ve recently started therapy, and it’s definitely making a dent.

I can’t say anything about anything, really. Not without “oh hark at her, lady muck who sits in her oooooffice to pay her mooooortgage!”

If it was just me I could let it bounce off more, but my DC are actually a bit afraid of their cousins! I moved abroad and DC (one bio, one adopted at 4) were born and raised here so speak differently to their cousins. They both enjoy school and one particularly excels at, and is interested in, science. One of my nieces told my younger DC she was ‘gay’ because “12 is too old to still do what your Mum tells you” and my brother thought it was hilarious and high fived his DC.

My DP says they could all really do without it but doesn’t want me to have to absorb it all if I was to visit by myself. I think I may just cut it down gradually. I doubt anyone would even be bothered but they would definitely talk about me behind my back. I’m sure they do already!

OP posts:
Rainydaysandwellybobs · 17/04/2025 07:40

Loving the reference to Daisy & Onslow!
You having done well has just focused the spotlight on their own inadequacies, rather than be pleased for you and proud of you they are just resentful that you dragged yourself away from their pitiful existence.
My husband grew up on a spectacularly rough council estate, it is still one of those places with people sat on their doorstep at 10am with a can of Kestrel and a mattress in every second front yard.....to hear him talk you would think my husband grew up in some kind of utopia!!! His father was an alcoholic that spent the food money on booze and his mother had her own illness to contend with but they were neglectful parents by anyone's standards.
We live completely differently now (nothing swish, no uni for either of us but we have our own modest home with a mortgage) and the number of times I have to pull my husband up because he thinks the kids don't need something because he didn't have it and 'he turned out all right' is unbelievable.
It's a mindset that has stuck with him, and it comes to the fore now and again even though we live a totally different lifestyle now.
It's a them problem OP, just be pleased you got away.

Apple04 · 17/04/2025 09:43

My DH grew up in the same situation as you. Very poor social housing, parents didn’t work, lived off benefits. He got bullied at school for being clever as well. His parents were angry when he went to uni as he would bring any money home. His dad wanted him to be a plumber (which is laughable as DH is completely useless with any sort of DIY). He also feels he doesn’t fit in anymore but they still have a huge hold over him and it’s very complicated financially as he supported them for years. We now have our own child so this is difficult. Personally I just find them very rude, particularly SIL.

I would put your DC first. How important is it they have a relationship with their grandparents? By cutting them off would you be unintentionally giving your children the impression they are better than them?

mindutopia · 17/04/2025 12:31

No, but I’m now NC with my family (for entirely unrelated reasons), so that sort of fixes the problem.

My family is very grew up in the same place, never aspired to do more or leave the place where they grew up. Never had a passport. A bit backwards thinking.

I was fortunate that I had parents who wanted more for me. Even though they never left that place either or sought education for themselves or broader life experiences. I was privately educated. I was given opportunities to travel and experience something different than my very white working class area. I am now very traditionally middle class by anyone’s standards. I’ve lived and worked abroad. I have a PhD. We have a very financially comfortable life and my children have a very different childhood and exposure to different values than I did.

I moved away to a different country in my 20s and have never been back. I wouldn’t fit in now. We have no common ground. My mum and stepdad are very insular and right wing. My wider family, I would come across as very “foreign” to them now. The way I look at it is you can have roots or you can have wings. It’s often very hard to have both. I’ve grown in a different direction. I’ve created a family for myself and friends who are like family.

665theneighborofthebeast · 17/04/2025 14:05

My "family" were a crab bucket. Everyone always being dragged back down to be the same as each other.
I was deeply resented for getting a better education than most and for moving away and also working in a profession. I have been entirely estranged twice now as punishment for not conforming. I have just let this one stick.
They justify it it as me acting like I'm better than them. (Which I never have.) Yet they all seeth with resentment at each other for having their talents and dreams crushed by their each other and their environment.
I'm quite glad I don't fit in.

TheHistorian · 17/04/2025 19:34

Absolutely relate to this. Poor and neglectful childhood to young teen parents. No value given to education, promiscuous mother who caused multiple house moves and changes of school. She finally bolted when I was on a gap year which resulted in me living aboard (nowhere to come back to). My dad made it clear he wouldn't house me.

My mother and both her siblings have colluded in their various adulteries whilst malicious gossip and judgement of me since I returned to the country (many years ago) and did okay for myself. There's a complete lack of self reflection or responsibility in anyone for their poor choices.

Glad to say intelligence and resilience have ultimately saved me, plus loads of therapy. Can't say the same for my siblings. I see it as inevitable to be NC with the lot of them. Nothing in common, completely different values and ethics.

Newnameshoos · 17/04/2025 19:56

So many of your posts resonate with my experience.
I had a lot of years of feeling that I didn't fit into my family. The comment about Daisy and Onslow made me laugh - my family called me Mrs Bucket from being about 14 when I was able to choose what to wear etc and it was different to what my family expected me to wear, but quite similar to what school friends did!
I've been estranged from my family for many years as it got too awful being constantly put down, 'reminded' that my place was in a shop and not a professional role, and so on. A lot of therapy has helped!

Edited to say that there is nothing wrong with working in a shop - it's how I paid my own way through further and higher education until I got my graduate job.

CharismaticPelican · 17/04/2025 19:59

Yeah I can relate to this too. Dad fucked off early on and mum was never interested in work. Got signed off on disability as soon as she could. Used to brag about playing the system etc. I think she has worked a grand total of 5 years of her life. Now in her 50s. Love her dearly but she expects everything to be handed to her.

I always wanted out of the council estate life. Focusing on education caused lots of comments of wanting to be a snob etc as a kid. Plenty of comments when I went to uni too. But I wanted better for my own kids.

I'm there now and we live quite a nice life. We're not rich by any means but fairly comfortable. Had a steep learning curve into money management and making good financial decisions, as my mum spends every penny she has immediately.

Mum frequently makes snarky comments about our lifestyle, but at least my kids will grow up in a clean, loving home with full support for their education.

You should be so proud of yourself OP. It's bloody hard to climb your way out of that lifestyle.

Humpsr · 17/04/2025 21:18

Absolutely opt out of bothering to visit.
I wouldn't want my children around that.
Why would you put yourself through this?
Well done for all you have achieved through hard work.
You should be very proud of yourself.

TheHistorian · 17/04/2025 21:56

Just to add, there's nothing more rotting to your soul than being the recipient of others envy. The slow drip, drip, drip of the put down said with a sneer, the passive aggressive 'joke', the back stabbing gossip and slander of your character. It will never change unless you lose everything overnight and become one of them again.

I think of the years I wasted being 'nice'. Giving my cousin a cash in hand job, picking her up, dropping her off while she loudly announced to the room full of my employees that I had had nits as a child. Or giving my brother the job of renovating our house when he didn't have any work whilst he repeatedly failed to turn up, cut corners and basically took the 'p'. Whatever you do they're going to hate/ resent you for it.

Do yourself a favour and walk away!

emmetgirl · 17/04/2025 22:24

This could pretty much be me except I’m the youngest.
i’m not that bothered tbh and just don’t see them very often

Moopsie · 17/04/2025 22:42

Thank you all, especially for the solidarity.

Unless you’ve been ‘in it’ it’s difficult for people to understand how suffocating that kind of hopelessness and lack of expectation can be. None of my IRL friends can really relate, just because they’ve had different upbringings.

Similar to others, they think I believe I’m better than them. I just don’t know how I’m actively portraying that, if I am. I’ve helped here and there with various family members in terms of small amounts to fix or replace things, money for nieces/nephews’ school trips, etc. but while we’re comfortably off we’re definitely not wealthy in any kind of extravagant way. Just normal people with professional jobs. TBH, that’s the only time they ever actively call or text me.

I introduced my nephew to some people to try and get him a job a few years ago and he ended up absolutely mortifying me when someone told me how he ended up subsequently losing the job so I don’t stick my neck out like that anymore.

I think I’ll just scale things back. I’m sad about it, but I’m trying to focus on ‘it’s not me, it’s them!’

OP posts:
Humpsr · 18/04/2025 09:26

OP this is one of those situations where you need to remind yourself that you cannot change anyone but yourself.

Some people have vastly different backgrounds through enormous successes and will tell you their parents championed them always.

This is really on them.
You cannot change them and will sour your life and that of your children trying to so.

Don't allow your success and efforts be overshadowed by them and their unpleasantness.

Don't bring your children near them again and think very carefully before YOU visit again.

Movingon2024 · 21/04/2025 07:28

Sounds like the right choice op.
it is indeed a them problem.
you have made a nice life for yourself with a nice family. If they cannot accept that, and take pride in it for you, then that is on them.

the fact that they only get in contact when they want something….the (homophobic) sneering at your dad when she respects her parent….the subtle sneering at you for having moved on in the world…all that is deeply unhealthy and hurtful for you and your dcs. You’ve done so well and you don’t need it.

it is akin to a rejection though, and counseling will help with that. Meanwhile, you can take control and only allow healthy and good things and people into your and your dcs’ lives.

Comtesse · 21/04/2025 07:42

You’ve been more patient than most. Social mobility like this can the hard, and I certainly wouldn’t feel too bothered about bringing my kids into it do they can be picked on. I read this book the other day and there’s some interesting stuff about how going to university can open up this gulf press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/chicago/P/bo213433237.html#:~:text=In%20Polished%2C%20Osborne%20deftly%20reveals,a%20college%20education%20can%20bring.”

GoingOffScript · 21/04/2025 14:46

I had a similar post around Christmas last year.

I grew up with alcoholism, extreme violence, infidelity and being shunted here and there as a kid. At ten, my life changed dramatically when I went to boarding school. I got a bursary as I was very talented in one of the arts. Yes, I did go home in the holidays but honestly, as I grew up I became less and less like my family. Cut to today… I have moved away mentally from them because their world is still violence, alcoholism, drugs, being arrested, petty lawlessness (and some not so petty), extreme antisocial tendencies and frankly, I don’t want myself and my family exposed to it any more.

The down side is that I only have one sister (all parents aunts uncle’s grandparents are dead). So, I feel very cut off. I have some lovely friends but family? No. I try to reason that indeed, you can’t choose your family but I am sad that I have never had “normal” in that sense.

Moopsie · 21/04/2025 19:49

Thank you so much for the book recommendation, @Comtesse! I’ve just ordered it.

@GoingOffScript your story was really comforting and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. We do have a ‘chosen family’ of friends, I don’t know why feeling like an outsider makes me so sad when I’m so much better off. People are complex beings!

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 21/04/2025 20:09

I grew up with money, however my parents were working class, just got into property and benefitted from early investments.

My mother's family in particular were very deprived and there was a history of trauma and depression. All of her siblings behave badly and are particularly rude to female members of the family and are immature, envious and resentful. All of the above comments resonate with me too. The entitlement to jealousy and passive aggressive sniping is extreme and if you are self sufficient you are expected to put up with it.

I avoid them at times, but it means you are cut off from your family. So many families are like that. It is sad.

CreationNat1on · 21/04/2025 20:12

They trauma bond with each other too, which is also unhealthy. It creates a culture of secrets and reinventing an acceptable narrative. It all stems from emotional immaturity, it's hard to navigate in large dysfunctional families.

GoingOffScript · 21/04/2025 20:27

Unfortunately, I grew up being a citizen of nowhere. My friends never knew how I was brought up. I had a facade of “normal” which meant my family and they, never ever met. I married a man who offered “normal” but it wasn’t long before his family (and he) found me to be “lower” socially. I clung to him because I felt it was my only chance of a normal life and relationships. Now, I’m divorced. I’m content and whilst I keep in touch with my sister, I know I can only be involved on the periphery. The absolute periphery. @Moopsie you need to do what’s best for you - from personal experience, I’d say distance is key, moving forward.

Moopsie · 21/04/2025 20:42

@CreationNat1on The construction of completely inaccurate narratives has been a creeping problem in our family for generations. There are so many fibs that people don’t really know what’s true.

People’s fathers aren’t who they say they are (caught out now by DNA!), there have been money issues, he said/she said nonsense, physical fights between family members. One particular low was an uncle who went off with his daughter’s partner’s sister (only a year older than his daughter), breaking up three different couple relationships and causing a massive rift in two families.

OP posts:
SpottedDonkey · 21/04/2025 20:53

My own upbringing was very similar to yours, OP. A shithole council estate in a dump ex-mining town. As a teenager, I was ridiculed as ‘pretentious’ by my own family for listening to R4 & reading the Guardian. I didn’t fit in at home.

Education was my ticket out, but when I went up to university, I quickly realised that I was the odd one out there, too. Not many working class council estate kids went to uni in the 80s, so I didn’t fit in there either.

Now, I don’t fit in when I go back to my home town either. I get on OK with my family, but we are just very different people with different lives & different values. I have so little in common with them that it’s never not hard work. They think I’m ‘posh’ & look down on them. I try so, so hard not to come across that way, but the reality is that I dress differently, I speak differently, I watch different stuff on TV, I go on holiday to different places etc etc. Daft as it may sound, when the Brexit referendum happened, they were the only people I knew who voted Leave and I was the only person they knew who voted Remain. It’s like we live on different planets. I will keep visiting & contacting them because they are the only family I have, but I wish it was easier & more enjoyable.

CreationNat1on · 21/04/2025 21:15

Moopsie · 21/04/2025 20:42

@CreationNat1on The construction of completely inaccurate narratives has been a creeping problem in our family for generations. There are so many fibs that people don’t really know what’s true.

People’s fathers aren’t who they say they are (caught out now by DNA!), there have been money issues, he said/she said nonsense, physical fights between family members. One particular low was an uncle who went off with his daughter’s partner’s sister (only a year older than his daughter), breaking up three different couple relationships and causing a massive rift in two families.

Yes, unfortunately there was sexual abuse in my family history where a (generations ago) father raped and impregnated 2 of his 3 daughters. The first died due to haemorrhage from being kicked in the stomach by the abusive, rapist father's friend.

The 2nd gave birth to a mute, intellectually challenged son. She gave birth alone in bed at 18 (I believe), her other siblings all died before their early 20s. My grandfather was the offspring of the 3rd sister, she died in her early 20s, he was her only surviving child and he was reared by his auntie along with her mute son.

My grandfather and the offspring of the incestuous rape were the only members to survive in that generation. The intellectually challenged boy, being the only son of the only surviving daughter inherited the house (probably out of necessity and guilt). Meaning my traumatised grandfather was forced out to make his own way, by this time with a wife and children (no contraception and married young, lived for a time in the old family home, before getting pushed out).

My mother's generation used to laugh at their mute older (uncle) relative and sneer at him through immaturity and envy, they didn't understand his parentage (the reason behind his unusualness).

I can't write it all down, suffice to say there was generations of trauma, death, poverty, PTS trauma responses.

My grandfather created this huge family, he surrounded himself with children (no contraception, poverty, trauma, proving his virility/no risk analysis/immaturity, no value or time for education). My mother, being his eldest was forced out of school to work at 15.

She is a boomer baby, and she met my father in London and they bought property and built businesses etc, so we grew up with affluence but also a very strong work ethic. My mum was the most financially successful of her siblings, but also has many unhealthy and immature coping strategies. Her mental health has always been unstable. It has taken me years to unpick the historic triggers of the family traumas.

Now that my father has passed, her siblings are more influential in her life, and the family dynamics of lies, denial of reality, mysogyny, favourites, conspiring together to cover up or to create drama has all re emerged with greater aplomb.

BTW - my father's side weren't perfect, but there was none of the extreme trauma or poverty that my mums side experienced. Imagine what it would be like to have a kind, sensible, considerate wider family?!?! I still keep a lot of secrets for my family, because you just can't reveal it all, it's too hard for them, but it's draining for me and they are so damaged (mostly by the poverty but also by the insecurity). When they are mean or sneering or trying to cut others down to soothe their insecurity I now know this is a poor coping strategy, but more and more, I m veering towards distancing myself, to protect myself.

Some of them prefer to live in their bubble, it's easier than reality. My mother can be obstinate about the version of truth that suits her. Denies reality, denies emotional abuse.

I could go on and on, combine all of the above with varying overlapping in laws (in the last and current generations) that have introduced some of their unhealthy family dynamics, it's a minefield. They don't know our past. They don't understand the lies and the pretense, the masking. They believe some of the lies. They have their own families with certain unhealthy dynamics too.

Therapy and self care are required.

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