Discovered an emotional affair and don’t know what to do

[Feelingstupidandheartbroken]

Apologies that this will be a ramble, I’m so upset.

Last year my husband would mention someone at the gym who I’d get on with. Then he’d mention someone who did something I’d be interested in for our little boy. Then someone who’s profession is something I studied and he thought I’d be interested. Then someone who was having relationship difficulties. Then someone who drives a truck he liked.

They were, of course, all the same person.

One very attractive person.

She commented a flirty comment on one of his instagram posts and I got cross. I was furious. He got so upset and seemed genuinely heartbroken that I doubted him ‘how could I do this to him?’ Etc. Anyway, I did end up feeling guilty and like I’d overreacted. So I kind of left it and felt quite sheepish and bad about my reaction.

Since fell pregnant. High risk pregnancy for hypertension and preeclampsia.

I found out today that they have been private messaging for months. Making excuses to contact each other. Sniffing around each other, flirting.

I feel such an idiot, I should have trusted my instincts in the first place. He still says there’s nothing going on and it’s ‘matey banter’.

I just don’t know what to do and I’m so desperately scared for me and the baby.

Feeling stupid and heartbroken?
Not stupid - but obviously an incredibly stressful and emotional time, anyone would feel scared right now.
It’s more than disappointing that he can’t see how vulnerable you are and that he needs to stop ‘matey banter’ with attractive women. It’s dodgy at the best of times but with a difficult pregnancy, he’s got to see it’s a killer. He needs to show he’s with you 100%.
I’m all for male solidarity but he needs to prioritise, quickly.

There’s nothing going on and it’s just “matey banter”. Riiiight. There may be nothing going on physically but there is something off about it or he wouldn’t have hidden that they’ve been sending private messages. He is dead wrong to be cosying up to another woman emotionally/secretively and any attempt to excuse it is unreasonable.

Thanks for the replies. I’m just so so hurt, and I’ve got an obstetric appointment tomorrow that I was trying to stay calm for. Fat chance of that now.

He still maintains he’s ’done nothing wrong’ he was literally asking her if she was in a relationship in one message.

I just don’t know what to do.

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope things smooth out for you and that the little one is well.

Secondly, I’d go nuclear on him messaging someone else. This rarely ends well. Now is the time to be absolutely black and white on what’s acceptable on your terms in your relationship. Do not compromise an inch on your boundaries. He’s either in or out.

As another wise Mumsnetter said, it’s never Eric from accounts that they’re messaging is it, or the old lady who lives opposite the gym? No, it’s someone attractive, often younger, somehow forbidden.
‘Matey banter’ bollocks, he knows full well that he’s in the wrong and you have every right to ask that it stops unless he wishes to jeopardise his family.

Edited for grammar.

They’ve been arranging to meet? The cynical part of me says this hasn’t stopped at messages! The audacity to gaslight you when you first expressed your uncomfortable disposition with this friendship which I guess is a “friend” you haven’t met! Bet you have met all the others tho!

there’s a thin line between control and saying this makes me uneasy and a good respecting human would reassure you no need to feel uneasy introduce you to one another and not have secret messages or would minimise or stop interacting with this person because ultimately you are his partner and your feelings should be a priority. if you felt this way about every female relationship that would be controlling but how many times Is a women gaslight into being crazy, controlling, obsessive, insecure and known and behold when it all ends he’s with the very fucking woman he told you there was nothing to worry about!

trust your gut.

Married men have no business having ' matey banter" with another woman. No excuses . He is taking the piss and it's disrespectful. Give him an ultimatum. Or he can fuck off.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is not matey banter, it’s inappropriate and it’s prioritising another woman over you, your needs and his family.

Your priority is getting yourself and your baby through the next few months. This may mean making some tough decisions if he chooses to continue with this. Lowering your stress levels are paramount.

I’d go nuclear too, but cold, unemotional and clear, let him know this baby is the priority and you cannot handle the stress of his need for pathetic little ego kibbles from this woman and he breaks contact or you go and find some peace away from this man child.

I’m so sorry he’s such a creep, you (and your children) deserve SO much better.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this whilst going through your difficult pregnancy.
I'm afraid with the length of time this has been going on I would suspect that this is also a physical affair OP.

Untimatum time, Op.

He either gives her up, cold turkey or you leave him.
I would suggest that you invite yourself to meet with them both and YOU point out to the OW and him that you feel that their relationship is not compatable with your marriage.
It is to stop. The banter, the texting and the flirting and the whole friendship.

Point out that the new baby will not have a father whose best mate is not their mother.
If he can not give it up, divorce and have only your name on the birth certificate..

Thank you for the support, it helps me feel less like I’m going mad.

I don’t think they’ve met up but she goes to his gym and we live in a small town so I think they bump into each other often.
She also needed to move something in a van and he offered to do it for her so it does seem he definitely wanted to meet - in his van no less! How classy.

He’s saying that he was hoping for a skill swap for something for his mum. It might be true and I’d believe if it weren’t for the sheer number of messages.

Thanks again, Im going to go for a walk and try to keep my anxiety down. Dreading the hospital keeping me in if my BP won’t come down 🤞

…the sheer number of messages.

So he developed a flirtation with OW last year. You were upset, but instead of being remorseful and distancing himself from her, he gaslit you and played the victim to make you back off. He then proceeded to secretly build their EA and has continued during your high-risk pregnancy. Even after your discovery, he is still lying and minimizing.

@Feelingstupidandheartbroken, this snake has been making a fool of you and a mockery of your pregnancy and unborn child. He couldn’t care less about your feelings and boundaries, or about your/the baby’s health and well-being. His priority is OW and lapping up her attention and ego massages.

As he has blown his second chance, I would be sending him packing. He’s a shit husband and a shit father, and you and the baby don’t need the pain and chaos he is inflicting on you.

So sorry you're going through this. It's a known phenomenon that some men fall to pieces when their wife is pregnant - poor, poor things 😡

Get his phone and message her. Ensure that she knows you are having a high-risk pregnancy: don't blame her - he is the married one; just let her know your situation as he probably hasn't told her.

Then make plans for a new life for you and your baby.

Thank you everyone.

Im just so devastated. I think it’s their little inside jokes that really hurt. I don’t know why that’s so deeply cutting but it really is.

I’m doing everything I can to calm myself so I’m not admitted to hospital, that’s the last my little boy needs right now 😢

First things first, I know its so, so difficult but try to remain calm. Whatever happens you WILL get through this and you WILL be fine.
Secondly, I am sending you a hand hold for the hospital today.
Thirdly, get home and have the conversation with him. Lay out your boundaries very clearly and calmly. He has betrayed your trust and lied to you. This stops NOW, today. He ceases all contact with her, changes gym and takes responsibility for the shitty, shitty things he has done. Anything other than that means you will not continue in a relationship with him. No ifs, no buts, nothing. If he tries to pull the "controlling" card, tell him he has lied to you and you will not accept that. He knew you had concerns about this woman. He knows EXACTLY what he has been doing, he knows it is wrong, which is why he has hidden it. Be as calm as you possibly can be (try to imagine you are explaining it to a toddler, I have found that helps!) but hold your line. Tell him those conditions are the only way you would even consider remaining in the relationship and it is going to be just that - a consideration, by no means a certainty. He is not the man you thought he was and unless he can show you with his words and actions that he knows this cannot happen, you have no choice but to leave. It is either that or stay and be disrespected and that is no good for you or the baby. Good luck op, sending very unmumsnetty hugs xx