I’ve decided to go very low contact with my family.

[Stillearninglife]

It was one comment from my mother that triggered this.
She was complaining that my sister told her that she was a shit mother to us growing up. She couldn’t see what on Earth my sister was talking about.

Truth is, she & my dad were shit parents. They still are even though we are in our 40’s & 50’s now.
They have zero interest in any of us or our lives.

What I do for her (take her shopping, look after her when she is unwell) I do because I feel obligated to do so.
There is literally nothing in any of it for me, no pleasure, no warmth, no gratitude, nothing.

Never ever EVER does she ask “ how are you and how are the kids?”

So I’ve stepped aside, and as predicted, no text or phone call, nothing. Which makes it very easy.

The rest of them are “difficult” so again, easy to do.

It feels sad. She won’t even have noticed or care if she never saw me again.
And no, no dementia or other illness, just, well… difficult.

Anyone done this? How did it go for you?

💐I haven't myself OP, I've seen a friend do it and it scared me to see how the family just didn't bother. Nothing it was like she didn't exist.

She has found it hard sometimes - lives by the moto she can pick her friends not her family!

I hope you have good friends in RL to discuss this with OP.
Some of us will always remember to ask and not take you for granted, like family sometimes do, because apparently it's okay, they are family.

I tried it but they didn't like me having the control and went crazy, trying to break into my house, standing behind my car when I was trying to reverse off my drive, confronting me in the street, multiple messages via strangers.

Six months later I went no contact. I think it's the only way. Now they pass me in the street and act like I'm invisible.

Haven't seen df since 1999
Dm since 2012. And previously 10 years of nc when she flounced from my home..
No old age /illness /flood will have me going back.

Doesn't sound like you have much to lose but your childhood training to look after your mother will take a while to wear off. It's not called fear, obligation and guilt for nothing.

My family are cold fish, all of them are avoidant. I was the scapegoat, blamed for everything, which was actually a gift as it made it easier to get out. It wasn't linear though. I tried resetting boundaries with my mother. It didn't work. She gave me an ultimatum, keep chasing her or don't bother. I chose not to bother. Again a gift as it gave me the momentum to walk away.

No one has bothered with me for years although my brother popped up recently because he's seen the light with her. I'm not interested because distance, time and lots of therapy has cured me of the codependency I grew up with and I'll never go back. I recommend it if you can.

I won't lie it's been very hard and lonely at times having no family, especially in the holidays but I've completely grieved the loss of a family I never really had. It was always me trying to keep everyone together which was completely thankless.

So be good to yourself. Expect a few hiccups along the way but it does get better. I have noone triggering me with their bullshit, a healthy and happy relationship with my partner. My daughter is thriving. You may find the Stately Homes thread in Relationships very supportive. There's also various reading you can do to understand the dynamic in your family.

Thanks everyone.

It’s so interesting to me that my siblings have such clear memories of incidents and I have none. Both my sisters commented that I was the one who got the worst of it from her especially.

Having flashbacks in the form of memories but more significantly of feelings, how I felt as a child. I was either always hungry or/and always frightened. Reading the mood, reading the room, trying to be small, silent, not on their radar, not doing anything to annoy.

I was called “you” or “that”. They never used my name. It was miserable.

I went really low contact for a while because I was getting ill with stress being around my mum, but i slowly managed to heal and I’m building up more contact. My situation is different because my mum thinks she was a fabulous parent and doesn’t understand why we all can’t live in one big house together, but like you I grew up a frightened scapegoat child.
it’s a strange situation to be in, when the abusers genuinely don’t believe they did anything wrong, it’s extremely difficult to cope with.