Retroactive jealousy/partner checking phone

[beths89]

Hi,
I’m looking for some advice - I’m in a situation that I don’t feel I can discuss with my friends.
My partner suffers from retroactive jealousy - and has done almost the entire duration of our 10 year relationship.
This has reared his head during our relationship as him grilling me about my past, accusing me of lying, snooping on my phone/laptop/going through WhatsApp messages with my friends to try and find things out. This used to happen a couple of times a year, but for the past couple of years it’s been more like once a month/every couple of months.
(FYI - I’ve had 2 previous partners, no history of cheating or anything like that)

I’m left hurt and exhausted by his behaviour.
Things come to a head a few weeks ago, and we both said we’d give things one last try, but twice during this period I’ve been really hurt by things he’s done….he forgot Mothers Day and instead spent the day grilling me about my past then when I asked if I’d got a card he gave me a personalised one that he’d ordered but he’d not written a thing inside it. The second thing happened last week….he went on my phone when I’d left it lying around, to send our WhatsApp chat to himself so he could read through it from the beginning (he must have deleted it off his phone). Since then I’ve had a few questions about things I said to him from 10 years ago when we first started chatting. I realised he’d sneakily gone on my phone to do this so asked him and he lied about it, before then admitting it.

In my head I’m done with the relationship. Although he’s now having counselling for the Retroactive jealousy, I’m really disappointed that I keep feeling so let down and hurt by him. The only thing making me question whether we can work things out is the fact we have a 2.5 year old daughter together.

Am I overreacting by wanting to leave him?

It isn't jealousy, it's control. I wonder if, over the years, you've refrained from going out with friends/wearing certain things/talking to people at work to avoid giving him "grounds" for his behaviour?

But either way, he has no reason to be suspicious of you and after ten years, he knows that for certain. It's funny how "jealousy" ramps up the longer a relationship continues, when logically it should abate as the couple get to know and trust each other. That's why I maintain it's not about actually thinking you might cheat, it's about keeping you in your place.

Therefore, the fact you have a daughter should make you want to leave this awful man more, not less.

After 10 years?! Jeez. I’ve no idea if counselling will make a difference - seems to be how his brain works so maybe it’s just about trying to control it? But after this amount of time, I can’t see him changing.
And if you stay because you think it will genuinely get better and stay that way, or leave because you think it won’t and the love has run out already- do what is right. Don’t stay for another 16 years thinking that a loveless untrusting place is a good one to bring up your daughter in.

I had a partner like this once. I arranged counselling for him, he was given antidepressants for obsessive thoughts, no idea if that helped him as I left him after I found out he’d been cheating on me with numerous women.

I'd have left him the very first time he went snooping through my phone.

After 10 years, you surely know he's never going to change and that there's nothing you can do to fix this because fundamentally, he's a controlling abusive twat.

Why on earth would you even contemplate staying? Protect yourself, protect your daughter.

Get rid and be free, pet.

He's not suffering from anything.

He's a just a jealous, controlling prick that would enhance your life enormously if you were to tell him to fuck off out of it.

@beths89
The sunken cost fallacy exists in emotional relationships, not just finance. That’s probably why you have not left yet.
Forget about the last 10 years and think about the next 10. When you envision the next 10 years will he make you happy, safe and loved? And equally important:
Are you financially stable, can you afford the split?
Before you make a decision talk to a solicitor about child maintenance that you can get, it’s completely salary dependent. Is he likely to request a live in order (custody of child) or will you split care.
You know him best, will he be responsible and go for mediation and cooperation, or will you end up in court?
Since you have a child, this decision is as much about practicality of life as it is about your emotional and mental wellbeing. Whatever you decide, do not wait to break up until you are at the end of your rope.
Splitting up when a child is involved can become a difficult and long process, so if that’s where you are heading leave before you are mentally and emotionally exhausted. You may need strength!
Also please call a National Domestic Abuse Helpline and talk to them. Women make excuses for how men treat them, you might not even realise that what you think is okay is really not. What you said is a big red flag. He has an issue, he is in therapy… okey, good for him,
but it would be good for you to hear form a professional if you have a normal relationship or if you are in fact in an emotionally abusive environment. Talk to people, don’t be scared to reach out for help and advice.

Is the term “retroactive jealousy” yours or his? It somehow makes it seem a recognised “thing” & normalises it as though it’s a condition he’s suffering from. Maybe you’ve read about it & that term best describes his specific variety of jealousy I don’t know ). It does sound impossible him being obsessed with historical events & your past that’s for sure & controlling verging on abusive behaviour). It is obsessive, irrational & causing great harm. If he has never sought help like a pp said to address obsessional (possibly intrusive) thoughts via medication &/or some kind of therapy for the low self esteem behind it, I would insist on that. I doubt how much effect it will have though. It must be so hard being together for so long but it’s getting worse. Does he apologise & take responsibility for it or is it his retroactive jealousy making him do it? I just wonder how much he’s tried to prevent it & minimise the damage to you & if he’s got enough empathy for the way it makes you feel. If he hasn’t I’d find it v hard to stay with him.

I've no idea why you are still with this controlling arsewipe. Get rid of him.

What you've described is utterly bizarre. Why have you allowed him to behave towards you like this? He sounds like a complete nutter, and you've given his behaviour legitimacy by accommodating his unhinged demands.

Honestly, I don't understand how you haven't known that his behaviour is unacceptable, extraordinary and out of order? What has happened in your past relationships that you tolerate what should not actually be tolerated?

Does he have to answer to you about his past relationships? Do you question him about his past to the same degree and scrutinise every comment and remark?