How can men move on so quickly?

[ChastenSlowly]

I finished an 8 year relationship with ex DP after years of being neglected, gaslit and hurt. He says he never actually cheated but joined Adultwork, dating sites, too many to mention which he said was only curiosity.
There were good times in the relationship but his continual seedy behaviour drove me to insanity, then of course he called me crazy and jealous.
I finally found the strength to end things which he accepted pretty easily, but we have to live together for a few more weeks until his planned move takes place.
Within a week he was on a dating site and has met someone, staying at weekends with her until 3am then coming home. He's said 'it's not serious '. It makes me feel sick.
It's gut wrenching, I feel he's being totally disrespectful and I feel so angry and like I want to hurt him back. I'm not sleeping or eating. How do I cope?
I've posted in the past under a different name and fellow Mumsnetters have been so pragmatic and wonderful with advice I'm hoping someone can help me manage my sadness and anger.

It is done what’s the point of reliving very second and being hurt by what you recall. The only person you’re upsetting/making angry is you.
close the door and keep walking

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs housed.
He chose to neglect, gaslight, hurt and try to cheat on you. He did this deliberately because he enjoys behaving like this. Not the actions of someone who liked you.

That's why it's easy for him to jump into the next girlfriends bed.

@ChastenSlowly Realty is he had emotionally checked out of your relationship a long time ago, (if he ever was) whereas you were still invested up until your decision to end it. So for him moving on is easy, he has already let go of those emotional ties to you. Or wasn't tied to you at all emotionally.
His behaviour is disrespectful, but clearly he didn't have respect for you in the first place.
Hopefully you will be rid of him soon and you can start to heal x

It’s because he’s never been actually committed in the way you are. He’s playing a different game, by different rules.

The way to ‘win’ is to play your own game while he gets on with his. The way to lose is to try and make him play your game, or to play his game. Both of those are unhelpful for you.

Work out how you want your life to look and feel, with no reference to him at all. Want to head out at 6am to see a sunrise, stay out for breakfast, meet a friend for lunch and then go shopping and rock in at midnight after an exhausting but enjoyable day. Do it. Don’t tell him where you are going or when. Just organise your life around what you want.

Do you absolutely have to let him stay with you from a legal point of view for the next few weeks?! Or can you in actual fact tell him to fuck off and go sleep on someone's sofa?

He can move on easily because either he never respected you, or emotionally cut off from you a long time ago if he ever did care. Also seedy men with no respect for women tend to jump into bed at any given opportunity sadly. 🤷

Just keep reminding yourself you are well shot of him and life can only get better.

He's an ex. You ended the relationship and so he's found a new source of sex. Pretty inevitable. Men seem much more able to separate sex and a relationship.

No point in getting upset. It certainly doesn't mean anything to him. It's just physical.

I would be telling him to hurry up with his move and give him a definite date of him moving out . Why should you help him when he’s got no respect for you . Why can’t he find a mates sofa to sleep on ?
He’s showing how little he cared and you are better off without him . You’re worth better than this x

Yep XH and I split after 15 years and he was with someone new within a month, they are now getting married. They claim it’s ’true Love’ and it’s all about right timing (according to their social media) but the cynic in me thinks she needed somewhere to live (he could afford to buy, she couldn’t) and he needs someone to look after him.
It’s not love if they can move on that quickly. After a couple of years away from him, I’m just relieved to be away from him and he is someone else’s problem now.

As per pp- he moved on a long time ago. Move him outs

not just a male thing, I’ve known women had affairs and “move on” and move him in the same day they told their stbx they wanted to split.

Well, hasn't he shown his true colours.
It will hurt - it will feel like your worst nightmare for a while and its all very well us all saying that he's not worth it, you can do better, time is a healer - but its the right now we want to go away and for life to feel happy and normal again (whatever that is).
Nothing will help the hurt that you are feeling - just take each day as it comes.
Talk it out with a close friend, lean on people for help, write on here or in a journal.
I would say don't stoop to his level and forget the revenge shag - it will probably only make you feel worse anyway.
Maybe draw up some 'rules' whilst you still have to live together. Can the living situation be sorted quickly? Can one of you go somewhere else for now?

I am sorry that you also ended up with a tosser - but at least you are on the road to getting rid for good.

I think, very often, men don’t see women as individuals but as interchangeable robots.

sometimes the same is true of children: more than once I have seen a husband and father move on, and just replace his own kids with the new squeeze’s. Grudgingl and occasional visits with his own progeny gradually dwindling to nothing, but taking the ‘new’ kids to football, etc

children are seen as part of the mother, not part of him, and whichever mother is in favour , their kids are favoured

True, even the fact that married men live longer, and the statistically happiest women are childfree and single.
Having a girlfriend/wife benefits men, the patriarchy is strong. Very rarely would you see a man who is feminist, intelligent, functional and who centres his wife above all.
The abuser in this case clearly sees women as objects to toy with.

It’s going to hurt being under the same roof, if he can’t check into a Travelodge or whatever I’d be tempted to book a holiday and just be away as much as possible. You need him out for your own sanity, shame he can’t show you any respect but worst case is you’ve got a few more weeks until you’re free. Only then can you focus on you, not be distracted by him.

Men don't see dating the same way women do.

When women date, they're looking for someone to spend their lives with.

When men date, they're looking for someone to spend an enjoyable evening with, and then potentially more enjoyable evenings with, until at some point we realise "Oh, I'd quite like to spend the rest of my life with this person"

So for most men, they don't see going out with someone else as "moving on quickly", or "finding a replacement". They're not linking the long term relationship they've just gotten out of to the new person they've met. They're fundamentally different things.

You may as well ask him how he can play a game of football after just going to the cinema. "How have you moved on from football so quickly? Didn't football mean anything to you at all?" Doesn't matter how much he loves football, the game is over, so may as well fill his time with a nice film.

Not all men do move on quickly, nor all women don't. People are individuals and react differently. Some people (male or female) have started moving on before they've left the current relationship.

Maybe you were more emotionally attached than he was, so he can go find someone else more easily whilst you’re still processing the split? I’ve known plenty of men who can just delete the existence of their ex and move on like nothing has happened. Or are never willing to reach out and apologise or try to fix things. Likely because they never actually cared about their partner in the same way.

Take your time to process this and like PP’s have recommended, try to get out of the house on holiday or stay with friends/family for short periods if you can’t physically leave yet. Stay busy so you have less time to think about his behaviour.

No this is stereotyping too much. I’m a woman and I fit your “male” role as so most women I’ve known.

Men like the routine of having a partner even if they go out and cheat!

Women are more likely to enjoy their own company and will remain single longer as they are more wary of meeting someone again.

Men often can't wait and will get a new partner asap.

It's not a reflection on you.

Yes. Spot on. Seen it so many times

Again, the polarised why do men... when women..? 🙄

Became some men don't spend hours raking over the past and trying to 'understand' and ruminating as much as some women do.

I think it depends on who leaves and why. If you've decided to leave a relationship then you've already started to move on. If you're the one being left it may blindside you and take time to come to terms with.

Lots of women leave relationships so I guess they're the ones who are moving on faster just as if a man leaves he's probably already moving on.

Once you decide you’re not interested in staying in a relationship, you mentally and emotionally move on even if you’re still there physically.

@ChastenSlowly he moved on quickly because he had already been cheating/sleeping around. He was not attached to you. Sorry but he simply did and does care about him and him only.
Nobody with any sense of decency would do this while still living together knowing it would hurt you.

It’s not about men moving on quickly. Some people do, some (usually the ones who’ve been hurt, dumped, deceived , lied to) don’t . In this case I think he probably checked out emotionally a long time ago