Wish he was a woman

[Misorchid]

There is a man in a weekly arts club I go to, nothing much to look at. We are not in the first flush of youth and I’ve been going for a couple of years.
We get on so well and come from the same town. He started joining me at a another weekly lecture series and then going for coffee together. We would talk for hours.
Birthdays etc. he gives me flowers and cards. Lots of messaging, but we both keep to a friendly level. He’s widowed and I’m divorced. He had a mild stroke and is fine, I visited him in hospital.

My confusion is I’m not sure if he finds me attractive although I don’t particularly want a sexual relationship at this stage, or why this attention is sporadic. If he were a woman, I would be in contact more, as we get on like a house on fire and I would like him as a good friend and see more of him. He’s amusing and good company. He’s the same with everybody too. Maybe he’s frightened I will pin him down, which I wouldn’t do as I want to remain independent. If he had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t mind as it’s his company I like.
I have the remains of a long term relationship which has cooled down. I like my own company.
I’m not sure why he’s living rent free in my head, just pride I suppose?

Is there a problem? He's a friend and neither of you fancy the other. Just enjoy your hobby and friendships.

You are both single by circumstance so you aren’t treading on anyone’s toes by being close friends. His sex shouldn’t come into it unless it’s actually you who finds him attractive.

When I was younger all of my close friends were male. It made no difference because none of us were attracted to each other, and none of us had serious partners. Men and women can be close friends without it being anything more.

Not sure what the problem is here. There doesn't have to be any attraction or any sexual tension. It doesn't have to go anywhere. Quite refreshing actually.

Seems a nice bloke. Just enjoy the friendship.

The problem is that I would like to see more of him, but am frightened to seem pushy, or he doesn’t want the same.
Think I might have answered my own question there😁

That fear would be the same if he was a woman or a man though, surely?

You can arrange more things with him and see how he reacts. It will be obvious if he thinks it’s too much because he will just decline, if he does that, the worst that will happen is your friendship will just stay as it is.

Do you want to be more than friends on some level?

This might be the complicating factor. I don’t really want to be sexually involved, but even though men and women can be completely platonic friends, I think there is a spark there, but that might be my imagination…

What are you afraid of? That should help you identify the problem.

Are you afraid he’ll think you fancy him and-
run away…?
Or
make a move…?

Yes and yes. And in truth, the weekly arts club is so important to me that I don’t want to endanger that atmosphere in any way.
That is why a close friendship would be ideal and nothing more.

Sounds like if made a move in that direction you would probably say yes, but you don’t want to make the first move?
If so, is that because you are afraid to make yourself vulnerable to rejection or just not used to making the first move or are you just not really that into it?
You say he’s not much to look at and you don’t want a sexual relationship with him…do you want that with someone else or is it that you want all the other benefits of a relationship with this guy but not so much the romantic/ sexual part?

I come from a generation who didn’t generally make the moves, it’s better now I think? Yes of course I don’t want to be rejected and I think I want my cake and eat it.

if it was a woman I’d be fixing things up, we get on so well. It’s a lot to do with our upbringing not far from each other. I can’t think of anyone else in this town I get on so well with. I travel to meet them or they live hundreds of miles away. There was an instant click.
I don’t mind a slightly flirty atmosphere, but nothing more.
He might have a steady girlfriend for all I know, I’m overthinking probably, but his actions gave rise to this. Yes, I’m confused and why I’m here.

OP - You said you were in the remains of a cooling LTR, so might this man think that you’re not available? Maybe he just doesn’t want to show his hand if he thinks you’re in a relationship? What’s the worst that can happen if you tell him what you told us, i.e. you’d like to take the friendship further as you get on so well - perhaps see how it all unfolds…

Good Luck! :)

I have the remains of a long term relationship which has cooled down.

Sorry, are you still officially in this long term relationship?

If so, you should end it properly before putting energy into this friendship/attraction.

Sensible advice. LTR lives sixty miles away and doesn’t drive. Rather complicated to explain here, but the distance doesn’t help and a close friend here would.

But what are you confused about, exactly? You don’t want a sexual relationship and have no idea whether or not he’s in a relationship. Which is fine, because you don’t want to have sex with him. You enjoy his company and get on like a house on fire, seeing one another outside of the original hobby situation. He’s never put the moves on you, or given the impression he wanted to.

So, if you’re have an idea for how much you’d like to see him, and what kinds of activities you’d like to do with him, just suggest one and go on from there? Or are you talking about wanting to see him four times a week or daily or something?

I mean, don’t you have other male friends that you have uncomplicated activity-related friendships with?