Why does he “mirror” my mood?

[blcakgaragedoor]

I’m in my early 50’s. I’m a bit more insightful and aware than I was years ago obviously.

I’ve noticed that my husband mirrors my mood. If I’m upbeat and happy then so is he. If I’m relaxed and laid back (which I mostly am) then so is he. However recently I’m struggling with menopausal moods and I notice if I’m cross then so is he. I’ve explained what’s happening to me and why I’m a bit snappy and that I’m trying hard not to be moody. He just seems to forget that. So I tried being quiet and not responding when I wanted to snap. But he’s doing the same! Just being quiet! Then I worry he’s in a mood but don’t know why (because if I ask he says nothing is wrong)

is that what men do? Is he normal? Why is he doing this? Am I loosing my mind?

@blcakgaragedoor I guess if you have been together a long time it is a sign that you are in sync. Also if you are around someone in a bad mood it will often bring you down, and likewise someone in a positive mood. Would not think too deeply about it!

Thank you for that. I’m looking for some perspective so am I unreasonable to expect him to support me and be a bot
more understanding when I go quiet like this? Happy to be told how it is.

@blcakgaragedoor Not unreasonable to ask him to support you at all? Have you had the conversation to be explicit about what you expect from him when your mood is low etc? How you expect him to manage you in those instances? You also have to accept that sometimes he will be able to rationalise and manage your mood, other times his natural human emotions will take control.
While your mood swings are not your fault as such, neither are they his. You can't expect him to always suppress his natural reactions to your behaviour, as much as you may try and explain. It is a tough situation you are navigating through for both of you. Are you seeking medical help for this?

Everyone is different. I'm 50 and if I'm being a bit quiet, I'd rather be left alone tbh. I'd be irritated by someone trying to support me.

I think it's natural for people who.livlve together to miror each others moods to some degree as GarrynotsoGorilla said.

If you'd like some support when you're quiet, I think you're better of saying that. Most people don't want to piss someone off further if they're having a moment 😉

I guess it just feels like he hasn't noticed and doesn't care? He has. He may just not know what you actually want him to do.

It is really hard for me to remain cheerful if I sense my partner is in a mood, it just brings me right down, no matter how hard I try not to let it.

Some of us are more sensitive and reactive to others emotions.

What would support look like? Maybe he's assuming that if you're quiet you just want to be left alone? Could he be thinking if you're a bit snappy and pissed off it'll just irritate you if he's all happy and bouncy?
I'm just wondering what exactly you want from him?

I don't think it's particularly a " man" thing. But it's definitely a thing.

I very always been really sensitive and reactive to people's moods.
I know it's connected to my own lack of self confidence and it was worse when I was younger but I've always had a sense that when people were in a bad mood, or unhappy, or quieter than normal etc it was somehow because if something I'd done. That it was my fault.

So I actually wouldn't find his behaviour mirroring your moods unusual.

I agree with pp if you want his support at times you should be talking to him and communicating this.

I'd find that irritating and a bit creepy. Is he not his own person?

I’m like your DH. I’m very sensitive to people’s moods. It makes life difficult sometimes.

I read threads on here where posters advise women to ‘leave their moody husband at home and have a lovely day without him’ and I know I could never, ever do that.

I think it comes from having the sort of mum that I used to have to watch like a hawk. Her moods would determine the mood of the whole house, and I used to have to ‘manage’ her.

Maybe have a conversation with your DH and reassure him that your low moods are not about him, and tell him how you would like him to handle them. Then listen to his side of the story and maybe think about what he needs from you.

Communication is always the answer.

If the person you're with is cross it doesn't put you in a good mood.

Ok I’m really benefiting from these replies so a heartfelt thank you to everyone who replied. It’s helping me to get my thoughts in order.

so I don’t just snap
for no reason. I’m a people pleaser and husband
is not very diplomatic. So quite often will speak and I’ve just got used to him and know he means no harm. Except now I’m snapping back when he says something I dislike where as before I’d just let it slide. a couple of examples - he will point out something I said I would do but haven’t. (Like a skip run) or he will make a joke at my expense in a banter way and I’m more sensitive so I take offense. We got new carpet down and he spilled a plant on it less than 24 hours later. It was quietly cleaned up and nothing said. I dropped a glass with water on a wooden floor downstairs and I cleaned it up but the whole time he was complaining about me dropping it and the damage it could cos.

Now, previously I’d have said nothing but this time inerupted and had a go about him and the plant on the carpet. The shock on his face was evident and we didn’t speak for 2 days.

that has never ever happened before. I need to know if this is me or if it’s him. I feel like he’s my biggest critic and judges me
often. But I don’t know why I’m feeling this now all of a sudden.

Be careful yo not use the menopause as an excuse for every mood. Don't expect him to understand always either. Talk to girlfriends or female family. Your 50s is a time of great change. Don't alienate DHl you have many years left together to enjoy chidlfree time and retirement.

This sounds like a different problem really.

I think you should address it with him - tell him you appreciate he's probably joking but you'd rather be didn't.

Being a 'people.pleaser' isn't a positive trait for anyone involved, OP. And it's unhealthy and it's dishonest.

It seems like maybe the menopause has put an end to your people pleasing ways to a degree though. That's not a bad thing but if it's changed the dynamic between you both, neither of you is going to know where you stand and so it might be time for a proper conversation.

Your husband is a bullying prick and like so many women you have tolerated it as the status quo for years.

Now you are peri menopausal and your tolerance has vanished.

He unsurprisingly is stunned by this turn of events and is punishing you by using the silent treatment.

He wants you back in your lane.

I suggest you give some honest thought to your relationship.
Contact a therapist, preferably a recommended one and have a chat about his behaviour and your relationship and how he treats you.

Perhaps it will give you clarity.

He sounds like a prick, so prepare to be shocked when you delve into the truth of your relationship.

If he gives it out, but cannot take the slightest bit of it back, then clearly you are in an abusive relationship.

Posting about his behaviour generally over the years on here might start the process.

Menopause is notorious for waking women up to the poor treatment they have accepted in all relationships, friends, family and spouses.

It is the joy of menopause IMO.

Right, my opinion has changed since I read your last update.

Keep going as you are. Bullies don’t like it up ‘em.

Watch Bridget Christie in The Change and take notes. It might be time for a big life change.

Now, previously I’d have said nothing but this time inerupted and had a go about him and the plant on the carpet. The shock on his face was evident and we didn’t speak for 2 days.

It's him, love. It's him.

He might have been shocked at you answering him back (more than justified) but the 2 day silence is bullying. Nasty.

Keep doing what you're doing. He's not your boss.

Saying unkind things at your expense but passing them off as "jokes" - that is the oldest trick in the book of a verbally abusive person. It is doubly cruel to put someone down and then gaslight them into not being able to stand up for themselves.

This is the way someone who feels superior, and entitled to put another person down, cobtinues to do so with zero accountability.

No wonder you finally lost it!

Silent treatment is also an abusive tactic.

Mirroring your moods sounds odd. Narcissists tend to mirror people, and there could be other explanations too, but covert-passive-aggressive narcissists will use put-downs and silent treatment, in combination with other behaviours obviously.

I’d say the way you are reacting is reasonable, he’s just shocked as it’s different. Menopause is sometimes described as us losing the hormones which make us put up with shit (which men never had) . He sounds very emotionally immature.

I have to say now you have enlightened around his behaviour, I don't think this is as clear cut. Constant criticism - valid or not - is not healthy in a relationship. We all make mistakes, get things wrong, have accidents. He needs to work on his tolerance and understanding.
Perhaps you are just less accepting now of his negative behaviour?

I think it’s his
problem too. I feel like there are two people in your life who should be your cheerleaders. Your mum and your hubby. Both are my biggest critics. Both judge me the most. I’ve had enough but I am being made to believe it’s my hormones that are the problem

@blcakgaragedoor I agree, but also I know I have been guilty of exactly what your hubby is doing too. It may be down to unvoiced frustrations elsewhere in the relationship and not specifically the points he is calling you on.
It sounds like you both need so very open and honest conversation and find ways to realign x

He sounds very manipulative. And his ‘mirroring’ sounds like a toxic trait, I don’t believe it is ‘being in synch’. It’s almost like he doesn’t know how to behave so copied your emotions as he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to behave. I had an exP like this - I suspect my ex is a sociopath (he is a lawyer and law firm partner and it is not uncommon to find sociopaths in professional roles). He pretended to be nice and friendly and happy and when I started a relationship with him I started to notice huge red flags as he just couldn’t hide it from his nearest and dearest outside of a work setting.

Your DH is surprised that you’ve found your voice and are putting boundaries in place but it sounds like he hasn’t allowed you this freedom before and he used mirroring as a manipulation tool.

BTW it took me two courses of therapy to be able to say this - similar to my situation which is why I commented.

It is your hormones. It's one of the really good benefits of the otherwise-awful menopause, you take less shit and stop being a doormat.