Confused about feelings for DH

[Peachperfect]

I genuinely am going through one of the toughest times of my life right now.
2025 has done nothing but throw 1 challenge after another and im massively overwhelmed - and i just dont know what to do?
There is so much more to this story, but this this is the jist of it:

We were a happy family (we have 3 daughters, 2 have ASD with 1 of them having multiple health issues and often at hospital for appointments in London) lots of love and affection in our household.
Seggs with DH started to feel "expected" without DH giving kisses/hugging/flirting.
Just straight into bed and trying it on. It was also at this point i found out i had endo and sex was sometimes the last thing i wanted due to pain. This along with difficulties with our children meant that he started spending all his spare time in the pub which drove a wedge between us and i was becoming bitter that he didnt want to be at home with us.
i then found messages where he was "trying" to flirt with other people, screenshots of pretty women he knew (he's quite shy so this was a huge shock to me). I also found multiple calls to sex workers and a photo of him holding his own sex toy that i bought him.
We had marriage counselling, it worked for a while until he had to give it up due to him needing to see a different councellor for c0ke addiction-another thing I didnt know about him, but i stuck by him.
Then things went downhill again to the point he moved out a month ago and he is living with a male mate a mile away.
Weve got to the point of being chatty and friendly again and he says he will always be there to support me.
A week ago I went into a full on panic mode because my dad has had a stroke and i was travelling to see him with the children and i was scared to witness
my Dad like that. I asked if i could visit DH because i need a cuddle and someone to talk to (both genuine and we are now at the point of having decent conversation). I completely broke down and he cuddled me (standing up) for ages, but he was very guarded and it kind of felt strange.

I went to visit my dad for 5 days last week, and he is alot worse than I realised and since ive come home - ive kind of gone into shock and am uncontrollably crying because the 2 men i love most are slowly inching away from me, not to mention i am beyond devastated about my Dad.
Despite everything DH has put me through, im feeling vulnerable and in all honesty, im feeling "weak" and want to be looked after for a change, and just for once for him to step up and be there like I have been there for him.
Im just feeling so hopeless, sad, angry and full of "what if's" with both my Dad and DH. Im just not coping well and my MH has gone downhill quickly (have arranged talking therapy with the MH team at GP practice).

How do people cope with big life altering situations? I just keep breaking down because I know theres nothing i can do to help my Dad, and im so sad that there were years we didnt see eachother (i was a kid) and now we only see eachother twice a year because he lives so far away.

I just want to run away with the children and live near my Dad and get away from this poxy town which is just full of bad memories (im not able to do that, nor do I have the money).

Im annoyed with myself that I feel like I need my DH support when he's done me so wrong. He's the one I usually go to immediately when i get good/bad news, and now I dont even have that. I dont know how to move on from this, I feel humiliated and used that so much has gone on behind my back and in this small town, people will know alot more than I do. And deep down, I think he has met someone hence why he was so guarded even though he says he hasnt (he only moved out a month ago).
How can I start to move on?

You can write “sex” on mumsnet.

Now I’ll read the thread! Sorry 😳

Oh bless you. I feel bad for my first comment. You’re going through such a lot, and the one person who is meant to help you through it, has treated you terribly.

Do you have a close female friend you could confide in? 💐

No, you’re not ‘confused about feelings for DH’. He’s a shit and you know it. You’re just disappointed he wasn’t there for you when you needed that shoulder most. You don’t need him, you need someone to have your back, give you that hug or hand hold. Are you sure you can’t - or won’t be able to move? Have you yet got to the stage of deciding on asset splits and knowing how much support you’ll get? Can / should your Dad move closer to you?

What's the plan, @Peachperfect ? Have you permanently separated now? Are you going to divorce? Where will you live, what arrangement will there be for the kids? Do you think you'll move? Redecorate the house? Get new furniture? What things will you be able to enjoy now that you couldn't while lumbered with a cheating coke addict?

How do people cope with big life altering situations?
Crying, hiding in bed, professional support and medication, making changes when I'm up to it, forcing myself to go out and see people when I'm ready, long walks and thinking, waiting for time to pass, getting up when I can't sleep and making a cup of tea, listening to podcasts, doing things I like (going to the beach, listening to good music), talking to people in a similar situation. What do you think might comfort you in this situation? How can you be kind to yourself?

What a socially inept person you are.

You sound immature and unpleasant.

Why drag up a post from a few weeks ago to tell me what a horrible person I am? Does that help the OP?

The word “seggs” just really pisses me off, I’m sorry. I had a knee jerk reaction then read the thread and posted properly.

I imagine it does help the OP to see people cringing and defending her when they see your self-centred, irrelevant reaction to such a painful post. Grow up.

I kind of went downhill after I posted (doing a bit better now). Turns out my Dad has a tumour on his spine so it'll be removed asap and then we will know more. He has now lost the use of both legs, but a possibility sensation may come back after removal if it is pressing on his nerves.
it made me see what really does and doesn't matter in life, so the DH was put to the back of my mind while I did a hell of alot of crying about my Dad.

Affer a week of that, I ended up getting myself extremely worked up, paranoid and angry with DH last week. I still am in disbelief that someone i chose to marry because he had a kind soul wouldn't give me a hug when I really needed it-not to mention the other crap. I don't know wtf is going on with him right now, but this definitely isn't "him".

Ive done alot of what you said actually!
Ugly snot cried til there were no more tears, im redecorating our room and the living room, going to the gym more and I even went out for a couple of hours last fri night (that was very brave because I feel a bit paranoid in this town). Ive told him I need some time out for my mental health and so I can continue to be the best mum that I can be-and have said that I can't see him for a while. When he comes to see the girls, I will leave before he gets here and come home after he leaves (my eldest is 20yrs and never leaves the house so she watches her sisters until he arrives).

He still keeps saying he isn't 100% sure about us separating "forever" but ive made it very clear that he can't have a gap year from married life 🙄
But im also not 100%-mainly because I think something is wrong, I just dont know what it is-hes such a closed book.
Divorce hasn't even been discussed yet and tbh we couldn't afford it anyway atm.

I'm hoping with me not seeing him makes things easier. One things for sure, I'm not waiting about like some mug so thr break from him.will hopefully give me some clarity x

Glad to hear you're focusing on your dad and yourself, not him. Mr Cokehead has clearly been focusing entirely on himself, so you need to balance things out.
You're probably right about him having someone else, if he's keen to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with her.
Hope your dad gets treated fast. Keep on looking after yourself.

What an unpleasant way to respond to someone so upset.

I don't know wtf is going on with him right now, but this definitely isn't "him".

I will gently say that it sounds like this is him. The him you have in your head wasn’t real - he constructed that image for you, but everything you put in your initial post is who he really is. It’s a very painful realisation but I would echo other posters advice to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with all the love and care you have for a friend or for your husband. You can want to be held without wanting him. Wishing you well through this hard time

Fucking hell. Perhaps you should have read the whole thread, someone else pulling me up on this and me apologising. Or just seen my second post, in which I apologised myself and was sympathetic to the OP.

why drag up an old zombie thread anyway?

All of that was excellent advice and I did take it on board and have redecorated the living room and my bedroom so its more "me" now.
im abouts to do an update because I have since found out about more BS and im struggling more than ever now. The bastard.

Oh dear, has that made your feelings for him any less ambivalent? I found that my ex acting so poorly was in some ways useful as it was very easy to detach from him! My main feeling today, long after the event, is mild embarrassment that I chose him as a partner back then.
Glad to hear that you've done some positive stuff for yourself. It does take ages to recover, alas.

Oh no OP, that sounds awful. Stay strong whatever has happened, you can get through this.

I'm following another womans journey from a break up on here - ive decided to keep this as a kind of Diary like she has...and hopefully in a few months time I will be able to look back at this and see how far i have come!
So buckle up, this is a long one!

Receent update: Turns out that my Dad's "stroke" was a 5" spinal tumour. It has since been removed, he says it is non-benign, but some has grown too close to his spinal chord and they werent able to get it out so his symptoms havent really changed and now can barely walk because of nerve damage.
I travelled to see my Dad last week with the children which was lovely to see him, but im still in a bit of shock.

While I was there, my ExH was going into my house to feed the fish. He messaged me one day asking whose mens razor is next to my bed (its my daughters). But he was very pissy about it until I told him whose it was.

A couple of weeks before that, i went away for a couple of nights with my best friend and we were drunk and i was showing her some of mine and ExH messages and i accidently called him - i thought i had stopped it in time but the next time i looked at my phone he'd sent me stroppy messages and when i did speak to him (i returned his calls) he was asking if i was drunk and he was extremely pissed off that i was having a good time.
(The one time I accidently called him, compared to his multiple intended 3am calls to me...probably wanting a booty call, or for me to talk him through a "bad patch").
When i got back he was asking lots of questions about other men, and would i tell him if i did anything. This really pissed me off as he seems to think he has some control and jealousy despite us not being in a couple anymore. I told him that im not ready for anything like that yet. but if i did then its my business and i dont have to tell him anything.

Within hours of me being home a friend told me some info about another woman and the ex, which i wasnt prepared for, I ended up overthinking about it, getting upset and anxious and so i did some "detective work" and found a picture of them online, not doing anything - but way too cosy for a married man (we were together at the time of the photo).

Yesterday i met up with a different friend who also gave me info about him and some other trollop who likes to shag anything with a pulse and doesnt give a shit if theyre married or not (just trying to paint a picture of the "sweetheart").

Mentally, this was the final straw for me. So much damage has been done that I completely lost it - somehow everything just sank in and the realisation that i have been in denial of all of the gas lighting, manipulation, the narcisism. I now know that he is a compulsive liar and all of the suspicions i have had of him in the past-and he had an excuse or denied-I was probably right all along...and there is ALOT over the past 5-6 years.

I have been an absolute wreck ever since. I have never been so heartbroken, I spent the first day of the school holidays doing housework in any room that the children werent in because i was inconsolable and i didnt want them to see me like that. Ive barely slept or eaten, and was sent home early from work because of the amount of stress was making me feel ill that i almost fainted a couple of times.

I think deep down I was waiting for him to say "I choose you and our children" over the lifestyle he has decided to live.
I feel like an absolute mug and incredibly sad for our children and myself.
But I am so so angry that he has taken my best years and constantly lied to me.

Yet again I feel so worthless and not good enough and feel like a laqughing stock.

I'm glad - that you're angry. It's right to be furious that he stole those years from you. I think the first thing I wrote on this thread was 'he's a shit' - and now you know it too, so be glad you see it, that this is a new start that you've got.
I don't think anyone is laughing at you, if they're telling you what the shit is up to, it's to make sure you know for sure what you've just escaped from, making sure you don't go back. It's him who is the pathetic one, he is again trying to satisfy his ego at anyone's cost because he has nothing real to give.
`Really, he's a sad little man and you are the one who now has the chance of a happy future ahead of you.
I know it takes a while - in my case it was a very long while - to get the toxin out of your system, but you will. And in the meantime, I'd say get rid of the fish rather than let him have keys and come into the house again.

Reading this does not give me vibes of a worthless woman, it reads of a strong woman who is going through some of the worst times she will experience. You are doing great, hold your head up high. You are worth alot more than what he can offer you.
It will take time to heal and you will cry alot! But time is a healer x

Oh OP I empathise so much with you,
your story reads a lot like mine.
My ‘dh’ was withdrawing and acting poorly for the last 3 years of our marriage (after 18 of being kind, thoughtful, loving) and had an alcohol addiction. After so many chances and support referrals, he ultimately, 15 months of separation, is still drinking, being incredibly selfish and not caring for or about our kids in any demonstrable way.
it still hurts me now, and, like you, I still have moments where I hope he will just ‘wake up’ and fight for us. Those are fewer though and I am sadly accepting he isn’t that man he was anymore.
He also was online dating and seeing women within 24 hours of me asking for a night apart when he was drunk again.
I’ve now made so much progress in coming through this. You will too. It’s not easy, especially when you’re mourning the man he was and the sheer unfairness of it all, but you will be stronger, loved and survive.

Thankyou all for the supportive, and lovely messages 💖

Unfortunately, things have just constantly gotten worse (for LOTS of reasons) my mental health has become really bad to the point the mental health crisis team came out to visit me 10 days ago.
Ive been taking their advice on board, and really trying my hardest - but all the hard work ive done on myself in the past 10 days has gone out the window today and im an absolute mess and im definitely going to have to call the mental health team again.

He's admitted hes with someone new now, and has taken a massive step back from me and 2 of our 3 daughters (the one he see's lots is neurotypical so she is easy to deal with). Despite him showing me even more of what a bastard he is, i caved about 2 weeks ago and asked him to come back and hes making a huge mistake with this other person (believe me I am kicking myself for it, but I was desperate for him to be here because one of our children has a rare brain issue and its gotten really bad recently-because its rare, nobody seems to know about it so at least I had him to talk about a difficult day when he came home from work).

The counsellor i was assigned thinks I am trauma bonded with him and likely also have PTSD, and am associating the loss of our marriage with the issue that has caused the potential PTSD.

He has done more things to piss me off (too many to mention).
But he now has a new job, a company car, new girlfriend, works out at the gym and having sunbeds - life is brilliant for him.
Im completely isolated because my daughter wont leave the house and her brain issue is exhausting me.
I do have help when I need it, I just can never imagine being able to get "better" because the time off I get, I am either at work, or running errands.

I just hope this isnt my life for the rest of my life.
I dont know what I ever did to deserve him treat me so disgustingly. It just really hurts, and its not getting better x

I'm sorry to hear that, @Peachperfect. Call for help when you need it. It's not surprising you feel bad, and that's what the crisis team is there for.
When you're depressed, one symptom is not being able to imagine what it is like not to be depressed. Then when you feel better, you'll find it hard to imagine the headspace you are in now.

Life is random. None of us get what we "deserve", it's all just luck.

DH sounds vile. I hope you see that and that 2026 is kinder on you. Lean on friends and actual loved ones to support you with your dad.