TTC is impacting my relationship with my husband

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

My husband and I met in our first year of university. Our flats were next door to each other, and we started dating (loosely, we were 19) the year after. During winter break of our third year, I found out I was pregnant, at age 20. I had our little girl just after I finished my degree.

She’s six now, and we started TTC when she was 3. She’s now 6, nearly 7. Nothing happened, I’ve had tests, he’s had tests, it’s unexplained secondary infertility. We both have good jobs, good social lives outside of each other, our families are amazing, but TTC has put such a huge strain on us. Sex has become a chore, he’s admitted not enjoying it because it just means disappointment is on its way. I tend to agree, it just means things are miserable. We’ve tried to “just relax”, we’ve been on holidays without our daughter, we’ve done everything. We can easily afford IVF, but he’s now admitted he’s not sure if he wants us to do it. He’s concerned that the hormones, and entire process, will be too hard for me. We’ve got our first consultation booked in for next week, and I’m shellshocked. I know that if he doesn’t want this, that’s that. It’s two yes, one no, if he says no we won’t go through with it.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve always seen myself as being a mum to multiple children. I’ve always wanted to be that mum. We started saving when we first started trying for me to take an extended maternity leave, and for him to take a longer paternity. Over the last three years, that fund has grown to the point I could probably retire, we’ve both had multiple promotions, and now I’m facing the possibility of my imagined life not looking how I expected.

Has anyone been through anything like this and their marriage survived?

You're only 26. I realise you want to have more children but you've got a lot of time. How are you TTC? Tracking and temperature checking and shagging on demand? Why not stop all that and just have sex without contraception and when it happens it will be a happy surprise. You'll break your hearts over it otherwise and probably ruin your marriage. You have a child, so the urgency really isn't there (or shouldn't be).

There’s obviously no huge urgency, but at the same time we don’t want to have a twelve year old and go back to the newborn phase. We’ve been tracking ovulation, having sex regularly and trying to time it right. We’ve had periods of just doing it as and when, and nothing has happened.

I take it you have used clear blue ovulation kit

If you haven't used the actual ovulation kit then get one. First day of smiles then have sex. I've done this x2 and got pregnant both times after having tried for ages I told this to a colleague and she got pregnant first time after trying for ages tend to get girls using the ovulation kit though and doing it first day of smiles. I was happy having 2 girls in fact ecstatic

Thank you for your advice, but as I said this is diagnosed as secondary unexplained infertility.

I would recommend reading the book 'Real Food For Conception' by Lily Nichols. Fully research-backed and really talks you through all the small changes you can make to up your chances.

But I also echo PPs by thinking it's best not to put too much pressure on yourselves. Maybe stop tracking ovulation for a while?.

Taking it easy isn’t working for us. I really feel like I’m at a point where I have to choose between my husband or more children

Really? You'd break up your family and lose up to 50% of the time with your daughter, and deprive her of living with both her parents full time to pursue having more kids with someone else? Do you think she would thank you for that?

I think your tone is quite harsh. My husband has fully encouraged the IVF. He sat with me in a meeting with my IFA and spoke about how he wanted a second baby, helped me decide on clinics etc., has told family how much he would love to grow our family, just to blindside me this week.

But what if you leave him and you still don't get pregnant?

You're losing sight of what you've got.

Have you tried clear blue ovulation kit if not why not try it

I have told you multiple times, yes. We have.

It just feels unfair. For the last three years we’ve been trying, spoken about how badly we want this, changed our financial planning to pay for IVF, booked appointments and now he doesn’t want it anymore

In that case, any chance this is cold feet? If your relationship is already changing, then IVF is a little of extra strain to add. Is he worried about that?

I was similar before ttc my first (only have one), all gung ho until actually ttc then had a freak out. Talk to him.

I really feel for you OP.

For people saying that you have one already, so there’s no urgency, that’s just not the case. I tried for a year to conceive my second and I was absolutely desperate for a baby even though I already had one. I was crying over other people’s pregnancy announcement levels of crazy. It feels just as strong wanting a second as a first, it’s a biological impulse.

I would just try having a full and frank conversation with your DH about why he’s changed his mind. It might be that he worries about the impact this will have on yours/his mental health and whilst this option is open there’s hope but if the IVF fails Hope goes with it. Those are perfectly valid feelings but talking it through will help.

If it helps to know a success story, my cousin was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility after her first and she became pregnant on the first round of IVF (and only one she could afford) and now has a baby daughter.

Really really hoping your DH is just panicking now it’s getting real and he manages to overcome his concerns and you get your baby!

A lot of the people commenting won’t have been in the same situation you have, so it’s hard to understand.

FWIW, DS was conceived accidentally on birth control at the worst timing ever. When he was 3 we started trying to have a second baby and had miscarriage after miscarriage plus long gaps in between where nothing happened. Were diagnosed with secondary infertility. In my case, it became all consuming to have a second baby. DH was happy with where we were at and open to IVF. So we did IVF.. if you’re going to do IVF make sure you’re 100% prepared and onboard. It’s not the be all to end all honestly. I found IVF insanely hard on my body and we did multiple transfers to end in miscarriage, ectopic, or just fail. Eventually we had a successful transfer and that embryo split into monoamniotic twins who were stillborn. At this point it becomes soul destroying and almost an obsession. We tried two more transfers and ended up with DD. Obviously she is the light of my life and I can’t imagine life without her and wouldn’t change anything but honestly I sometimes wonder if I’d known how taxing it would be mentally and physically if I would’ve chosen to proceed.

After DD was born in July we waffled about whether we’d use any remaining embryos as there’s zero way I’d do more IVF procedures besides maybe a transfer. In the meantime I still tracked ovulation but without letting DH know (he was happy to try naturally but the stress of TTC made it a chore for him), so we had regular intercourse without pressure and during peak fertility I’d make it more fun with a date night out or drinks at home, zero pressure. And we ended up pregnant 4 months after DD was born with a healthy baby. It’s really hard to say what, if anything, changed between attempts.

Only you know where you and your husband lie on this journey and moving forward. Again, I’m so happy I got DD but I worry about the toll it took on me, my relationship, and what would have happened if it didn’t work out. Take from that what you will, I wish the best for you!

With respect, this is crazy.

You don't know the cause of the infertility and there is zero guarantee you will have more children with someone else or even alone.

Have you both had a full fertility check?

If you have then you have to just accept it my not happen.

If your marraige is good otherwise, don't let this ruin you.

I can't have children at all. It was really difficult at first not to have the life I'd planned but you need to focus on what you have rather than what you thought you'd have. Even get counselling if it helps.

Oh my goodness, this is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your loss 💔

he’s said it’s multiple factors. That the cost is an issue to him (which I see as an excuse to be honest, we are more than comfortable and able to afford it), the time involved, the issue of going back to the newborn phase

If your dd is almost 7, would you really want another now with such a large age gap?

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP. I had unexplained secondary infertility and found it desperately painful. We had a second baby after four cycles of IVF - one fresh and three frozen. If DP had bailed on IVF I know I would have been devastated.

I do think it's worth exploring his concerns in more depth. He's worried about how hard IVF will be for you - is that concern purely about your welfare (ultimately, surely it's up to you whether you want to go through IVF) or is he worried about the impact it will have on him/ your relationship if you're extremely stressed and emotional? What about the impact on you if you don't have IVF? I think walking away from that treatment option would be extremely difficult.

I would also say that IVF gets a bad press but for me personally it was a walk in the park compared to TTC naturally, and for my partner it was a non-event compared to the years of trying naturally. I had become obsessed with tracking ovulation, worrying about whether we were trying too often/not enough/at the right time of day etc. and every month the disappointment was crushing. I was very emotional and probably hard to live with at times. I'm sure I put a lot of pressure on my partner. When we started IVF, I felt like all that was lifted and the responsibility was taken out of my hands - I just turned up when they said, took the drugs as instructed and that was it. I didn't find it too taxing physically either. I just wanted to offer a different perspective on IVF.

Finally, I assume you've had lots of tests but has anyone investigated or discussed your microbiome with you? I believe the EMMA test, offered by various private clinics, looks at this. After three unsuccessful transfers (recurrent implantation failure), I asked my NHS consultant about this and she said that my clinic didn't do that test but that I could try taking probiotics (both oral and vaginal) before my next cycle - in other words, treat the problem even if it doesn't exist. I made some dietary changes and hammered the probiotics for a few months before having a transfer which resulted in my second baby. I had been getting a lot of thrush and I now believe that I had a significant bacterial imbalance, which was preventing implantation (both through natural conception and IVF).

I hope some other posters will be along with advice soon.

Sending you all the luck in the world 🌎 xx

You really need to think long and hard about this
stressing over conceiving is going to wreck your whole family relationship
are you both desperate for another or just you ?

My dd was 7.5 when I finally had my second after many years of secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriages. Yes I’d have preferred the 2 year gap I wanted and I’d have much preferred to not be in my 40s, but I don’t regret pushing on with fertility treatment for what felt like forever, despite the emotional and financial toll.

op, is he just having a last minute freak out? Can you agree to doing the first round then as a couple deciding if you want to carry on. Maybe he is worried about the unknown journey.

I’m sorry for your struggles. Do you think he’s as tired as you are of all of it and all he can see is more disappointment and difficulty ahead rather than he’s gone off the idea of another child? They’re different things.

You probably need to talk, talk and talk some more. And listen, obviously. Try to find out what’s really going on in his head. I wouldn’t suggest an ultimatum, but if things are generally okay between you you can hopefully be honest with each other.

We spoke at length last night about everything.

He’s still concerned about the cost, which if I’m being honest I just do not understand. We can comfortably afford it and it feels like an excuse. He’s an associate at a good firm in London, and I’m reasonably high up in my company. Hiding behind money feels like a stab in the back

He’s also worried that it’ll be too hard for my body. Again, I’m not sure how this works, as it’s my body and I’m willing to do it. But he’s asked me to cancel our consultation next week and I’ve done so, as he apparently needs more time to think about this.