Is the regret of leaving just guilt?

[rainbowdreama]

I left an emotionally abusive partner 3 years ago, took me a long time to pluck up the courage to leave with our children but I did it, set us up in our new home and was quite happy plodding along by myself.
I met a man about a 18 months ago, I wasn’t looking but he asked me on a date and I thought why not. There wasn’t an instant attraction for me but I recognised how kind he was and the attraction did grow. My ex doesn’t have the kids much so at the start I saw him once a week, we’d always do something like days out, walks etc. we had a few bumps in the road, I wasn’t used to be treating nicely and struggled at times. He was so patient and done anything I asked of him. For example he used to buy me lots of expensive gifts but I hated it as it was something my ex did when he’d been vile so to me it didn’t show he cared. he accepted it and stopped. I really fell for him and after a year he met my children.
he's been great with them, makes so much effort, always comes for days out and gets involved, they adore him.
however, my feelings started to change, he always wanted to stay in when I didn’t have the kids, we stopped going out together. Just watched series after series. Sex life went downhill pretty quickly, he was always tired or wanted to watch an extra episode of whatever we were watching so it got less and less.
he earned much less than me, which wasn’t an issue as his outgoings were much less so we were pretty even on spare cash, he was offered a promotion but refused it as he didn’t want it, whereas I’m quite ambitious and career driven so struggled to understand why he didn’t want more. I’m a saver, he’s a spender. My house is perfect for me and my children but too small for another adult, I’d said one day we’d buy together, he was happy to buy into my house and stay where we are. Just lots of opposing values.
I tried so hard to focus on all his positive but in the end my attraction lessoned and I reached the point he just irritated me.
i made the decision to leave him, he took it badly. Begged me not to, said me and the kids were everything to him. Said he’d do anything I wanted if I stayed. He wasn’t really accepting it so we agreed to a few weeks space and then reassess.
I’m now questioning my decision, he is so kind and he would do anything I ask him to, but that’s almost a turn off. He’d never make a decision, it was always on my terms. He’d chose to stay in but then would never pick what to eat, or what to watch. I want to go out, not to clubs and bars but camping, city breaks, walks, try new things. He’s happy to just be at home.
part of the guilt is he’s met my children and they adore him.
im so torn, feel like I’ve let him down, let me kids down. I spent years miserable with an abusive man and now I’m not happy with the good guy either. I don’t know what to do.

Bit harsh! She waited a year to introduce them!
OP he can be a good guy but not right for you. There’s no point falling into a relationship wit someone who doesn't align with your values & you aren’t attracted to. It’s a shame but best to end it now rather than waste both your time.

Wow what a nasty first response! OP you live and learn, you should definitely end this. Your children are unlikely to be hugely attached after six months of knowing him. They’ve got you, you will be happier just with them, just be firm and end it.

The first two responses are from the same person, so don’t feel there’s a stream of people berating you.

My children have absolutely thrived over the last 3 years. They’ve changed from timid children who darent speak to confident outgoing happy children. Had you have said what my children have endured over the previous years, fair play but their life is good. And I was really cautious about introducing them but what many people, including you don’t understand is it’s hard being a completely single parent. I’m entitled to a life and another relationship. I don’t have to stay alone because of my children. And I will be even more cautious about introducing them to someone else, and it won’t be for a very long time but I’ll never know if someone is good enough until they meet them because the me someone meets before they meet the kids, isn’t me, that’s not my life.

Chuck him back OP. Not sure how old your children are but if they’ve only known him six months and he hasn’t moved in they won’t be that attached. I would wait for them to ask about him (if they’ve only known even do) and then explain as age appropriate.

BTW, well done on leaving and for realising that being single is a blessing not a curse!

You can’t go out with someone just because you feel sorry for them. Its painful to end things but sound like you were being true to yourself when you did.

Don't settle, your values are not aligned and in the end you will resent him.

I can't see how your kids can adore him, after 6 months and even if they did, it's not a reason to settle.

Use this relationship to show you whnt you want and don't want. It's rare to find the perfect man for you so just get on with your life and you may meet another more suitable person.

I agree with PP - nice guy but not right for you, you’ll be safe but never happy or fulfilled. If you haven’t lied or cheated then you don’t need to feel guilty, you’ll only let him down now if you let him think there’s a future together.