My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past 3 1/2 almost four years now. We just moved in together last year during the summer. Everyday life starts coming in to play, we both have children from previous relationships that are with us every other week ( I have mine every other week, he has his every other weekend), work, you name it. However, sex and or being intimate with the person that I am in love with is very important to me.
And I’ve noticed over the last couple of months that the frequency of us having sex has dwindled. I would be lucky if it’s once a week. The times that we do have sex, even though I find it enjoyable, I don’t find it fulfilling. He climaxes quickly (gets excited quickly) and things just feel rushed. I don’t mind having a quick session every now and then, but not every time. Afterglow is non existant now, as after he’s done there’s no cuddling or pillow talk…he immediately after a minute or two gets up to shower.
Plus I feel as though whenever I initiate it I’m usually turned down. He’s busy or has work to do, etc. However when he’s ready, I do it as I want sex but it feels like its only on his terms. I even expressed that simple spontientity or just being naked and close to each other would mean alot to me, but he doesn’t seem to get the hint. I noticed that he looks at porn every now when I borrow his computer and noticed that he seems to have a certain type. I know that he has a thing for latina women as his previous girlfriend (kid’s mom) is. And nearly all of the porn he watches is Latina.
I on the other hand am not. I’m a fairly attractive african-american/native american woman. I take care of myself, and it is important for me to have a healthy sex life with my partner. So I am wondering if it is that he no longer finds me attractive. I noticed that he watches porn when I am not at home or he is away on business trips (even though I have brought up the idea of perhaps being on camera to keep the spicyness alive when he can be away for a week at a time).
I asked him directly if he still finds me attractive and he basically says: “ Yes I stare you down every day. My love, don’t doubt yourself please. Raise your chin and build that strong self confidence.”
I told him “ I’m not doubting myself at all. But sex, intimacy, making love, fucking or being physically close is very important to me. So I’m trying to narrow down the reasons for the decline in intimacy lately.”
He says he told me his and that I have to examine mine.
We had a question about this a couple of days ago. He actually brought it up asking why we don’t have sex as often as we do anymore. Reciently, I said that it was due to the hectic weekend with the kids (as there were birthday parties, and one of them was recovering from a really bad cold/infection). But I told him that we need to start prioritising it and make time for it.
He went on to tell me that he prefers to have sex after taking a shower/being fresh and he’s more up for it after a vigerous activity like working out. He loves nakedness and not going around wearing bulky PJs.
Which to me sounds like an excuse. I’m more open and adventurous. So I have to wait for a specific time every day after he takes a shower in order to intitate something with him. I walk around naked alot as I’m always getting dressed/undressed for something. Even when I’m wearing more revealing clothing he’s not in the mood. He get’s uncomfortable talking about sex ( I’ve asked his likes/dislikes), tried spicing things up while he’s away for work or I’m at the office with sexting or telling him how much I want him.
While I am open for a dialogue, it just seems as though he makes excuses, puts the issue on me (me being insecure, which is not the case. I just want to know why), or gives me very odd reasons.
What is happening?