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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I Rushing things

25 replies

BeSassyPeer · 14/04/2025 22:26

Hi I am new to this forum and would like some advice. I have been seeing this man for the past year although we have been friends for 25+ years. Our relationship is going well and we spend all our free time together. Most evenings I go by his place and cook him dinner (I love cooking for other people) and we will watch TV, talk or just cuddle. Until recently I spent all of my time with him. I am a single mom of grown children who all live on their own and he has no children of his own nor has he ever wanted any. I am 48 and he is 56. He was in a long-term relationship that was very toxic that ended weeks before we started dating. They had not been an item for 2 years before the breakup, but it was still hard when it finally ended. He has a lot of trauma from that experience and I am accepting of most of it. A few things that bother me are he is refusing to consider living together until we have been seeing each other for 5 years, and he will not tell me he loves me because he says that every woman he has ever said that to has hurt him and he refuses to ever buy me flowers or other romantic gifts because, again, he says every woman he has done that for has hurt him. Now gifts are not my end all and be all but the other two are important to me. I haven't been in a serious relationship for more than 10 years and I am ready for all of those things. He is a very kind man but I feel like he is limiting our relationship and that I might be wasting my time and should move on I don't feel as though he has healed from past loves nor is he even trying to. Advice is appreciated.

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 14/04/2025 22:35

Honestly? I don’t think hrs on the right headspace for a proper relationship and he hasn’t taken the time to heal, do the work on himself and to be on his own to understand himself.

You're in very different places regarding being ready to move forward and it’s a tricky one because you don’t want to be his rebound and unpaid therapist getting him ready tfor the next woman.

Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 01:47

I wouldn't be in any rush. You've only been seeing each other for a year so slow down and take your time.

He obviously has a lot of baggage and is holding you at a distance. He may not be ready to say he loves you after a year.

Decide what you want. Do you want someone to spend time with for a bit of company or do you want a serious long term relationship?

If you want a relationship, then it's unlikely he's for you. He'll probably have you chasing your own tail while he rambles on about why he can't commit.

If you want a Mr Right for Now, he might fit the bill. Just keep your expectations low.

S0j0urn4r · 15/04/2025 02:59

TwistedWonder · 14/04/2025 22:35

Honestly? I don’t think hrs on the right headspace for a proper relationship and he hasn’t taken the time to heal, do the work on himself and to be on his own to understand himself.

You're in very different places regarding being ready to move forward and it’s a tricky one because you don’t want to be his rebound and unpaid therapist getting him ready tfor the next woman.

This.

Tumbler2121 · 15/04/2025 03:21

Maybe he has always been tight and withholding and that is why they left him.

who buys the food you cook for him?

MarkingBad · 15/04/2025 03:33

First post nails it. Even if his previous relationship has been just drifiting apart for decades, jumping into another relationship just weeks after splitting has not given him enough time to sort out his issues coming out of that situation.

It's OK to date but it can take a couple of years + to work the previous LTR out of the system. 5 years time for moving in if ever isn't a terrible plan.

The gift buying stuff sounds a bit off. It might be you both have very different views and expectations of your relationship. You are both at different life stages considering the timing of his split and you getting together.

Trashpalace · 15/04/2025 04:47

If his learning from his past relationships is to never be generous or express love verbally because "bitches women will hurt you" perhaps he needs to be single for a while because if he genuinely believes being a miserly grump is the way to protect against emotionsl hurt....um, I'm not even sure what to say about this but every woman should run a million miles from a relationship with this man!!!

Please don't accept a situation where you have to make yourself smaller to accept his "trauma". In my opinion you are going too fast, it is a bit of a rebound situation and as a pp said, you are not his therapy!

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/04/2025 05:09

Saying he doesn't want to live together for 5 years is his way of saying never. He's been in a miserable relationship it's entirely reasonable and likely that he doesn't want to cohabit again. He's worried he'll upset you if he says never so five years is just kicking it into the long grass.

Sounds like you're both enjoying what you have. If that's not enough for you need to look elsewhere for someone who wants what you want.

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 05:12

It's fine for him not to want to live together. It's not fine for him to state that he's never going to treat you nicely or tell you he loves you. Sounds like you're doing a lot of looking after for him, what's he doing in return for you? Is this a balanced and reciprocal relationship?

AgentJohnson · 15/04/2025 05:13

This

Being friends and being in a relationship with someone are two very different things. You are fast tracking a relationship and being ’accepting’ of an unhealthy dynamic because of your friendship. Let him work on himself or not, before jumping into gf mode.

Enrichetta · 15/04/2025 05:20

What @Noteatinglunch said.

Stop chasing after him.
Cooking for him at his every night is ridiculous.
You need to take a huge step back.
If you don't you'll get hurt.

CurlewKate · 15/04/2025 05:28

Never get into a serious relationship with a “fixer-upper”. Particularly a fixer-upper who blames all the broken bits on an ex.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/04/2025 05:36

I think he sounds awful. He expects you to settle for crumbs because of what other women have done to him?

Saying I love you and spoiling your partner are completely normal in a healthy relationship.

It also worries me that you aren't going out on dates at all. A decent man would be saying "no you've been making me wonderful meals all week, let me take you out".

There is a real imbalance here. He wants you to prove you're not like other women and ignore your own needs to do this. He sounds cheap, selfish and manipulative

category12 · 15/04/2025 05:47

Rainbowqueeen · 15/04/2025 05:36

I think he sounds awful. He expects you to settle for crumbs because of what other women have done to him?

Saying I love you and spoiling your partner are completely normal in a healthy relationship.

It also worries me that you aren't going out on dates at all. A decent man would be saying "no you've been making me wonderful meals all week, let me take you out".

There is a real imbalance here. He wants you to prove you're not like other women and ignore your own needs to do this. He sounds cheap, selfish and manipulative

This.

SilverButton · 15/04/2025 06:00

Do you ever go out on dates OP? It's nice that you like cooking for him, but what does he do for YOU to make you feel loved and special?

What I'm trying to say is, even if you decided you were OK with his terms and conditions (no gifts, no saying I love you, not living together), does he actually do anything at all for you? Or is it completely one sided? If you always do the cooking, I hope that he at least buys the ingredients and does the washing up?

SparklyGlitterballs · 15/04/2025 06:06

Some people in later life relationships never want to live with another person full time again as they need their space and that's fine. If this is unacceptable to you then you may have to move on. It sounds as though he wants you to "prove yourself" before he'll make that commitment (if ever).

The lack of romantic gestures because of past traumas could become a self-fulfilling prophecy for him, because it could push you away eventually.

I agree that he should have taken time after leaving the last relationship, working out what the issues were, before jumping in to a new one.

Does he ever let you stay the night at his? Does he ever come to yours? Have you been on holiday or for a weekend away together? It sounds as though he's getting his needs fulfilled but you are not. Make sure you're not out of pocket from doing all the travelling and cooking.

category12 · 15/04/2025 06:07

He has a lot of trauma from that experience and I am accepting of most of it.

If he's genuinely traumatised, what is he doing about it?

It seems like he's just decided to give you nothing yet expect you to feel sorry for him and settle for that.

A decent guy would recognise this is shit for you and at least be working on dealing with his own baggage with therapy or something.

Your expectations of him are so so low - why do you think you deserve so little?

Every night you go round and cook for him and sit in front of his telly like a boring longterm married couple, it just sounds like he gets the benefit of a "wife" without giving you much at all.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/04/2025 06:14

Erm I got to here and was like "uh oh here we go"

He has a lot of trauma from that experience and I am accepting of most of it.

This isn't normal.
Its important to hear this.
Life happens. If anything you become more mellow and understanding of the rich tapestry of life as you get older. You lofed each other for a seaso etc
He sounds bitter.

You like cooking. Fine. But there's no dates no outings just cooking cooking for him in his house while he moans about women who wronged him and offers you crumbs.

No fucking way wouldni be cooking dinner most nights for a man who withhold something as free and simple as " i love you"

JockyWilsonsaid · 15/04/2025 07:55

He's got you exactly where he wants you. You pop round, cook him dinner, shag him, then leave. Perfect set up for him.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/04/2025 08:11

You sound generous, loving and giving, he sounds awful.

who pays for the food you cook for you both every night by the sound of it? Does he ever reciprocate and take you out for a meal to give you a night off, doesn't sound like it.
he sounds an unappreciative bitter so and so and you're likely to get nowhere. Not live together for at least 5 years, he's keeping you on the back burner to be his carer when he needs one. Gah! Get rid and find someone kind who appreciates all you do

Semana · 15/04/2025 08:16

For heaven’s sake, OP. He sets the terms, bores on about his ‘trauma’ and you meekly bustle around going to his every night, cooking for him, and going home again? Move on.

Jennalong · 15/04/2025 08:34

So he is hurting your feelings/ disregarding you because women ( how dare you be a woman ! ) has hurt him in the past .
I don't swear much , but fuck that !
You are basically agreeing to be his punch bag , all the wrongs ( in his mind ) ever done to him by a woman is being taken out on you .
Don't put up with that .
You deserve to be loved and being told so . This is not a normal , healthy , adult relationship .

Original poster

BeSassyPeer · 15/04/2025 19:16

Thanks for the feedback.. I think it is time to move on.

OP posts:

MarkingBad · 15/04/2025 19:36

I hope you find someone who is just as loving as you are OP.

Subwaystop · 17/04/2025 01:12

OP you seem wonderful. 💐

Lighteningstrikes · 17/04/2025 09:04

There’s no doubt that you’ve done the right thing 💐

Find someone with a kind heart who deserves you.

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