Is this doomed to fail ?

[Jenkibubble]

A friendship has become romantic (a couple of months now ) we get on well , good humour etc , at ease with each other .
However , I have a few reservations and unsure they will curtail us going forward :
We both have kids (mine older than his and come the summer neither will live with me as both will be at uni ) his is nearly 15. He has his child every Saturday overnight - this I am concerned will prevent us from ever going away for a weekend . Not yet but a real consideestiin moving forward . The son has autism (not diagnosed ) yet sounds high functioning . He is home schooled (mum therefore has him a lot of the time 5 days a week )
The guy is concerned this change in routine will throw his son off kilter / change isn’t easy etc . I know the importance of a dad in a child’s life and would never want to come between them . How / when would a chat be appropriate ?
Secondly , his financial situation . I am in no way greedy however will soon be at a stage where I can be a bit impulsive (kids left home etc ) to go / do as I wish - spend on me . I have sole mortgage (bought ex out ) and have been independent / frugal for many years . Yes I will support my kids with their dad’s help .
He has been setting up a business this past 2 years which has and still is struggling . He pays the mortgage on ex’s house as well as rent on his own . Maintenance , I don’t know !
This isn’t a court agreement .
I guess I wonder if he will be able / willing to do / spend on doing stuff with me (not paying for me )
So far we have only ever had meals at mine or his or been to the pub . Both of these are fine but in moderation !!!!
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?
Any advice ?

3 years (son 18) seems a way off - is that what I need to hold out for ?

TIA and please be kind

I think the every Saturday night thing would be a deal breaker for me, that’s really restrictive for socialising.

The financial situation is weird and that's what would put me off most. Also that is not high functioning autism if he has to be homeschooled. This could get very draining very fast.

His life sounds very restricted, and yours would be as well. A child that is not diagnosed but being home schooled is just storing up problems for the future. It will be really difficult for them to get him support as an adult so it’s very unlikely he will be independent by 18

I’d be more concerned that he only sees his child once a week. It’s not much is it?

Saturday midday to Sunday afternoon .
No , not really .
Our set up has always been 50/50 , but I know not everyone can / will !

A good point and one I agree with . Social skills , negotiation. diplomacy skills aren’t just going to come are they ?
Being told what to do rather than having the choice / ruling the roost etc
He was pulled out at aged 10.
I have never met mum but it sounds like she has googled many diagnosis of the years and labelled the kid with them !
The dad has gone along with it !

Waiting till son is 18 does not mean he suddenly has more time. His son will always be in his life, rightly.so.

I think it's reasonable for you to find these things off-putting OP. Just when your own kids are becoming independent and you have a bit more time / money for yourself, you'd be unable to take advantage of that because of the restrictions imposed by someone else's kid! Why not stay friends for the moment, you may change your mind later on but it feels like the timing is wrong right now.

You’re at different life stages and have different responsibilities, that’s fine, that’s life, just please don’t try and make him feel less or try and make him compromise. It doesn’t feel like that’s what you’re trying to do but just be mindful.
his son has to be priority here and you / other mumsnetters can have all the opinions you like on his diagnosis, lack of, home schooling etc etc but it’s of nobodies business except his parents.
the points you’re making are valid and fundamental, sounds like you should probably call it a day and be super kind to this guy so you can try and remain friends 😊

Thank you .
Update - I asked about whether alternate weekends with his child were N option and was instantly shut down on the matter (no discussion )
We have parted company before things became serious . Maybe remain friends