What do I say to her?

[LateGreatJC]

About a month ago my friend discovered her DH had had a long running affair with a mutual friend. She only found out because the friend told her DH that if he didn't tell her she would.
My friend is pregnant. I don't know if the woman knew that.
Obviously her world has been turned upside down. However she has reacted by blaming the other woman for everything. She's written to her saying it's all her fault, she's abusive, evil, etc etc. all I totally understand but she has defended her DH, he was having 'a rough time' and 'was lost' and it's the woman's fault he lied to both of them etc.

I want to help her, do i just listen and nod? Is this denial? If so is that good for her?

Sounds like denial - trying understandably to protect her marriage and family unit at this time by not accepting her husband is to blame so they can carry on as before. The OW will be taking the hate for both of
them as she need somewhere to direct her emotions.

Probably best to let her deal with it however she wants at this stage. Things will undoubtedly take a turn once the baby arrives and the inevitable sleepless nights, resentments and pressures take their inevitable toll. She’s probably scared to do it alone, but I can’t see him sticking around for long, even if he agrees to go back now. Sounds like she hasn’t even kicked him out?

Just offer her your support, let her vent and be there for her when she needs you, which she will. Telling her to boot out the shitty father of her unborn child probably won’t go down very well sadly.

She's angry, 2 people who were meant to have her back, have betrayed her in the worst way.
She probably knows he's awful, but it's easier to blame her friend. I would just listen and let her vent, she's not in the headspace to listen to reason. Wonder what he's telling her?
What an awful friend to do this. Even worse husband, god love her.

I think nod and smile now. When he does it again remind her he was given a chance and encourage her to leave him

She’s not really in a strong position right now and not able to think of her DH as the transgressor. She’ll come to terms with it at some stage but for now, it’s not going to do her any good coming to terms with the truth of this. I don’t envy her position.

Never give relationship advice ever. Just listen and nod and say I'm here to listen not advice then go for a star bucks

I would blame the “friend” as well, cheating takes two

Sorry I didn't see that last one.
Yes entirely agree. The friend certainly isn't blameless. But she's accused her of abusing her, describes herself as the victim of the ow.

I would agree with her actually. I think doing that to someone who is supposed to be a friend is, in fact, abusive. That in no way negates the responsibility of her husband though. He is also an abusive, deceitful twat.

As she is newly pregnant, she probably just can't face the thought of having the baby on her own so she is trying to convince herself that it was all the fault of the other woman. She was (maybe still is) in love with her DH and it's much easier to blame her 'friend' than her DH. Her life has been turned upside down and she is coping by telling herself that her DH was an innocent victim and it's all her former friend's fault. Is this your friend's first baby or does she have other children?

It's early days. Just listen to her and let her vent for now. Does the other woman have a partner? Are you also friends with her?

As PP have said, she’s in denial. That was a fucking shitty thing for the husband and the friend to do (since I’m pretty sure the friendship code prohibits sleeping with our friends’ partners). She’s been abused by both of them.

She can easily cut off the friend however, since she’s pregnant, it’s understandable that she’s trying to persuade herself that her marriage is salvageable. I think all you can do is listen and help her feel heard and supported.

I agree, shagging your supposed friend's husband is a despicable thing to do, and a betrayal of the worst kind. Especially since this seems to have been going on for some time.

Poor woman. This has happened at the worst possible time for her, so denial or deflection is how she copes.

The husband and friend are absolute shits, so just support her as she needs for now.

I’d agree with her.

She’s a victim of two hugely entitled and selfish people who robbed her of her right to informed sexual consent, her personal agency and who BOTH betrayed her trust.

At the moment she needs to see the OW as more at fault, of course she does, it’s helping her cope in a terrible situation. As she heals and the dust settles that may change BUT your job is to just sit, listen and empathise.

I have watched friends of friends say things after an affair that have caused the friendship to suffer greatly long term and it has always been from people who have no idea of the trauma that the betrayed person is going through.

Sympathy and empathy, that is all!