Am I being naive thinking he’s just not the type to cheat?!

[Shleepymummy]

DH and I going through a bit of a stale patch.
2 young kids (preschool age), both working hard in our careers and then all the stuff that comes with home life. We get on and we divide and conquer with kids and jobs but we aren’t in the touchy feely lovey dovey stage currently and sex is happening every 8 weeks or so. Think DH has low sex drive as he doesn’t initiate much and seems ok with this.
I told my friend about this difficult period and she said ‘aren’t you worried he’ll cheat’? And the answer is no. It’s just not in his nature, not who he is, isn’t in environments to meet someone else and as I said sex drive seems so low I can’t believe he would go out looking for it- especially as I’ve never rejected him when he's tried it on. He was also brought up in a broken home and is very committed to our children and being with them as much as possible.
Am I completely naive to think ‘it won’t happen to me’? He’s a good guy but outside of work he’s pretty lazy 😂 I just don’t seem him having the drive to cheat!

I was so shocked when I found out my DH had cheated, as was everyone who knew us.
He was so not the type, and the only thing it proved was that there is no such thing as a type!

Every women who thinks that is naive. When I was 19 I worked part time for a big company as a receptionist. A Middle Aged family man, not attractive in fact I remember thinking how gross he was to look at, was having an affair with a girl my age, maybe she is 18. Anyway, no one thought he was the type and even his wife! Years later worked with his daughter lol! Awkward as I knew what her father was like. From then on I knew finding a man who would never cheat was like finding a pot of gold.

Obviously nobody can ever be 100% dead certain what their partner will or won't do, but there are certainly some men who are highly, highly unlikely to cheat on their partners, for all sorts of reasons, including lack of opportunity, lack of inclination to cause hurt, lack of desire, a fear of the the inherent stress of having to keep up a lie, general risk aversion, etc. So, much the same as women, in other words - nobody could ever be entirely sure that their husband or wife isn't the type, but some husbands and wives are certainly far less likely to cheat than others are. Some personality types really, really don't lend themselves well to having an affair.

However, Mumsnet cannot wait to insist that all men will immediately cheat at the first possible chance and that literally any change in behaviour, appearance or mood, any unexplained transactions, any objection to letting you read every single WhatsApp he's ever sent or any friendship with a woman absolutely must mean he's fucking someone else. So you're unlikely to get a sensible answer here.

I thought my ex if 27 years wasn't rhe type either. But he did cheat. I don't recognise the man I married. Even his family all say they can't believe it. My mum called me paranoid when I suspected because he 'wasn't the type'. Imo they are all the type, just lack the opportunity to do it

Mine wasn’t the ‘type’ to cheat.

Family man, kind, utterly devoted, hated cheating, never went ANYWHERE without us, never caught him even glancing at another woman, worked in an environment where it was unlikely, we joked about how he wouldn’t find the time etc etc

He cheated.

So yes I do think you’re being naive.

I never thought mine would lie to me about anything, let alone cheat. he was just a really good guy. Until I discovered his Relationship with a sex blogger behind my back.

Like I said further up thread, NOBODY would thought my XH would cheat. Low levels of desire, socially awkward (in fact almost mute in many social situations), not good with people and VERY intense and emotional in the marriage.

But he had an emotional affair and then left the marriage to try to have sex with the object of his affections. So maybe slightly different, but NOBODY would ever in a million years have said he would have had so much as an emotional affair. But he saw something new and shiny, discarded me and the family and went hell for leather after the new woman.

What is your fruend actually suggesting, though? That he’s not really got a low sex drive, op he’s just not initiating sex with you because he’s shagging someone else like a Duracell bunny? Or that you should be forcing him to have sex, even if he doesn’t want to, in case the lack of sex (despite it being because of his low sex drive) means he starts ogling Denise from Accounts?

My laziest male friend (glued to the sofa, gamer, would moan for a week if he had to do anything that involved leaving the house at weekends) had an affair with an unhappily married colleague. She, I think, misread his lack of engagement as someone cool, reserved and self-sufficient, he had no idea someone apparently impressive could find him attractive and was terribly flattered, she sucked his cock in a locked office and on a couple of work trips overnight for a year. After which she ended things, and he asked his wife for a divorce. He’s now, several years on, in a relationship that has lasted past the initial excitement stage and is exactly as sofabound as he was when married.

I have tried making conversation about it. He doesn’t like to address it, maybe embarrassed. Trying to just see it as a season, having young children and working is relentless and I believe that he is just knackered. Why I have more energy/want to try a bit more I don’t know (as I’m knackeries too) but there we go. Can’t make someone talk about it anymore than they want to I guess.