Hidden messages and sneaky behaviour

[JSS94]

Found out partner of 5 years and who I am engaged to has been secretly messaging/calling another woman.

Basically - He went on a 4 day work trip Sunday-Wednesday whilst I stayed home (on maternity leave might I add) looking after our two under two children and dog. He had barely text me whilst away, claiming that it was a very full on trip and only called me once. The work trip consisted of people that worked for the same business but from across Europe.

I have found out this evening (Sunday) via his call log that he made a 12 minute call to a woman he met on this work trip when he took the dog out for a walk. He saved her number as something obscure, cleared all their messages and moved the WhatsApp conversation to the archive folder.

I asked him outright what he’s playing at - he said he knows it looks really bad, that it was nothing like that, all innocent and they only spoke about work and ‘general stuff’. He couldn’t expand in detail. Apparently she is married and knows that he is engaged with a young family (doesn’t excuse anything, I’m well aware).

I had to ask 100 questions to get any answers. He said that they had been messaging a few times since the Friday following the trip. He said he hid the conversation because he knew it was wrong and felt guilty - obviously not guilty enough on Sunday morning to then go and call her in secret that evening.

He couldn’t give me a real reason as to why he reached out to her via phonecall. He briefly mentioned that because we were in a rut at the moment (definitely the room-mate phase whilst the kids are so small, but that’s another issue in itself) but quickly went back on this because he realised it’s no excuse.

This is completely out of character. I trusted him with everything. I am so disappointed. He left for work this morning and asked if we could talk tonight. He was visibly upset.

Im not really sure what this post is looking for, but I’d be grateful for opinions.

No wonder you are upset OP.

If it was innocent he would not be trying to hide this new relationship.

He needs to be honest about what actually happened on this work trip because something must have led up to them exchanging numbers and then the secret messages and phonecall. I would wonder if something physical happened while they were away together.

At the very least you need serious conversation about the state of your relationship and boundaries.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

You can restore a WhatsApp chat from archive.

The chat has been cleared of messages but still sits in the archive.

made a 12 minute call to a woman he met on this work trip when he took the dog out for a walk. He saved her number as something obscure, cleared all their messages and moved the WhatsApp conversation to the archive folder.

You don't call someone away from the house and your partner if you're having a conversation you'd be ok with them hearing.

You don't save someone's number not as their name if you have no reason to.

You don't clear messages if there's nothing in them you wouldn't mind your partner seeing.

Likewise with WhatsApps. Most people have WhatsApps going back for years, un archived.

Oh and incidentally he's rather efficient/careful at all this - which gives me the impression it's not his first rodeo.

I’d be questioning if this was even a business trip.

I think you can restore it.

There are instructions online.

Though he'll probably stop you from accessing his phone.

Or find a way to permanently delete the chat if he catches on to when you want to do

Yep.

Ok so he’s cheated on you. That’s pretty obvious. The question is how do you want to move forward? If it was me, personally I’d be done because once a cheater, always a cheater. However, if there’s even a chance that you’d consider staying in this relationship you need to set the following parameters,

1. he needs to tell the 100% truth about exactly what happened, even if it means he’s physically cheated because you can only try to move forward from absolute honesty.

2. he needs to block the woman completely everywhere.

3. he needs to stop making excuses that essentially blame you, ie it’s because he’s not been getting enough sex because you’ve just recently had a baby and are parenting 2 babies under 2. He needs to accept 100% accountability and responsibility for his cheating.

Even after all this, you can still end the relationship. If he’s done it once, he’ll prob do it again. Who owns the house?

Check out surviving infidelity