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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This normal after an affair admission

22 replies

Noideawhat2do · 13/04/2025 22:31

I posted here a couple of months ago following the admission from wife that she has been cheating on me with a married man (I say admission but I had to go through hell to actually get enough evidence to confront after she denied it first time and suggested I was going crazy). However we are more firmly split and legally separated with our house sold and in the process of moving to new homes - in all of this despite being told by both her and the AP it was over they are clearly still meeting up - won't go into to it but as with before the lies are bad and she was spotted by a relative of mine somewhere she would never have been (she was meant to be at work) normally.

In amongst of all of the this there was a bust up with my family as despite being silent about respectful this whole time they saw her and were not "civil enough" and it got nasty from her end (I feel dreadful for my parents because we all tiptoe around her because if hers challenged she explodes and uses the kids as her shield) which gets me to my point ... she's acting like nothing has happened. We are still partially living together until the house has sold and aside from a few times in the early days after the admission it's just now talked about - I asked one question recently and she looked at me like I had two heads. She was clear that as part of my healing she would talk but honestly watching her skip happily about, away out a fair a bit (hardly seen the kids this week), obvs still with lover boy when he can get out the house 🙄 and all excited about moving into a new house etc - I just don't know to make of it all - and obvs we are linked because we have two primary school aged children. I'm not sure what I'm asking but her attitude is like "oh well I checked out years ago, stopped finding you attractive, became a workaholic, you had the kids most of the time, then I fancied this guy for years then we stared shagging but hey I've kinda done you a favour let's be friends" - it's the opposite of how I feel which is terrible, I've had to sell my home as I cannot continue in this arrangement, lost my trust and sense of security, am dealing with my children who are hurt and my own family who are hurt and angry at the betrayal then I look at her and think WTAF (her family have ostriched on the whole thing as otherwise there would be difficult conversations and they don't do that - for some of them it's like I've not existed after nearly two decades) - just having a moment as it's like she's just not aware or is trying to avoid thinking about the damage she has caused - have people seen this contrasting behaviour before??

OP posts:
Noideawhat2do · 13/04/2025 22:40

Ah didn't mean to post here - meant AIBU

OP posts:
jsku · 13/04/2025 22:48

OP - you are separated, sold the house and are moving into your own places.
You need to focus on your own life, and stop looking at her, and how she is doing.
It does bot matter if she is seeing someone - she can see anyone she wants now. So can you.

Don’t get stuck in the phase of regret and bitterness. Its not good for you, and not great for the kids.

Hard as it is - you beed to start accepting your reality. Your relationship broke down - probably years ago. She did what she did. Not great. Now you separated and will have separate lives.
Have you considered therapy? May help you try to move on.

She may be in fact happy that the relationship is over, and that things are in the open. You can not control how she is feeling.
You can only control your life and your reactions.

thestudio · 13/04/2025 22:57

Although @jsku is broadly right, I wanted to say that I sympathise OP. She sounds like a bad'un and i can imagine it feels completely unjust that she can just glide away unscathed, looking forward to furnishing her new home.

People will do almost anything ime to avoid their own self-image being damaged, and i'm sure she's telling herself a different story which paints her in a better light.

However - you sound like a really good father and that will be your reward - a closeness with them that she sounds like she will eventually lose.

Noideawhat2do · 13/04/2025 23:07

jsku · 13/04/2025 22:48

OP - you are separated, sold the house and are moving into your own places.
You need to focus on your own life, and stop looking at her, and how she is doing.
It does bot matter if she is seeing someone - she can see anyone she wants now. So can you.

Don’t get stuck in the phase of regret and bitterness. Its not good for you, and not great for the kids.

Hard as it is - you beed to start accepting your reality. Your relationship broke down - probably years ago. She did what she did. Not great. Now you separated and will have separate lives.
Have you considered therapy? May help you try to move on.

She may be in fact happy that the relationship is over, and that things are in the open. You can not control how she is feeling.
You can only control your life and your reactions.

I get completely what you are saying and I think of lot of how I feel is that we are still in he same space but what gets me is nothing is out in the open - she has just told people we grew apart and won't talk about it being an affair that brought things to a head - so it's like being in an alternate reality. She not met someone new she has became the other woman to man she was having the affair with - the man who begged Mr not to tell his wife - I just need away from the whole thing to start actually living again. Yes I have been seeing a therapist

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 13/04/2025 23:18

Not sure what you want from this? Your relationship is over and she has moved on. You need to do the same. Maybe in her mind you did grow apart, maybe even without an affair you would be splitting up, she knows her own mind best. If you want the world to know she had an affair then you tell them. Not sure what you would gain from it, it certainly wouldn’t be productive or good for your co-parenting relationship, but you have that choice. She can see whomever she wants, you are separated. I probably wouldn’t tell my ex if I was seeing someone either, it’s none of their business.

Lorlorlorikeet · 13/04/2025 23:34

I’d tell his wife if I were you, just before you move out, and then tell your ex just as you leave.

And I’d correct all the people she’s told you’d ’drifted apart’. Take a bit of the power back.

And then be glad you’re rid of such a moral wasteland of a person and focus on being the decent parent for your children and healing.

lashy · 13/04/2025 23:37

Seeing the cheating partner essentially skip off into the sunset excitedly putting their new life into place is frustrating.
I was in a similar situation, separated but both still within the marital home for approx one year, until I found something suitable/affordable.
Felt like ripping my hair out, even though it was a relatively amicable split (a few years after the cheating incident), things became harder when he began a new relationship then was endlessly texting on his phone each night. I just wanted to escape.
Finally moving out made a huge difference. I felt free, for the first time in ages.
What good is to be gained by revealing quite what a shit the ex-partner has been? Nothing, other than brief satisfaction.
I wanted to shout it from the roof tops, but didn't.
Don't lower yourself.
Enjoy your children and new found freedom.
You will find happiness again.

HangingOver · 14/04/2025 00:03

No advice OP but she sounds like an arsehole

ThisChic · 14/04/2025 00:05

Lorlorlorikeet · 13/04/2025 23:34

I’d tell his wife if I were you, just before you move out, and then tell your ex just as you leave.

And I’d correct all the people she’s told you’d ’drifted apart’. Take a bit of the power back.

And then be glad you’re rid of such a moral wasteland of a person and focus on being the decent parent for your children and healing.

Edited

100% this. She doesn't deserve her affair being kept secret.

Lurkingandlearning · 14/04/2025 01:34

I agree with @Lorlorlorikeet and @ThisChic. Why do you need to keep it secret?

Just tell the people who matter to you the truth. Her expecting you to lie to them to protect her image is arrogant, but also ridiculous. They will realise the truth as soon as she introduces her “new” boyfriend.

Get the truth out, move out and concentrate on rebuilding your life. 💐

Worriedparenting · 14/04/2025 01:44

I would be honest with people closest to me about why the relationship ended.

I’m not condoning an affair but it’s likely you did grow apart and also very likely why the affair started. There is probably some truth in what’s he is saying.

can you move out for now? Back with parents / friends / family? You can still see the kids etc but you won’t have to see/speak to her daily? This might be the best for your right now

WearyAuldWumman · 14/04/2025 01:47

ThisChic · 14/04/2025 00:05

100% this. She doesn't deserve her affair being kept secret.

Agreed.

My late husband followed the 'drifted apart' scenario. Guess what? His ex fooled everyone into thinking that she'd gradually grown closer to a work colleague...and that it was he who'd been unfaithful.

OP - blow your STBEx's narrative right out of the water.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/04/2025 01:49

Lurkingandlearning · 14/04/2025 01:34

I agree with @Lorlorlorikeet and @ThisChic. Why do you need to keep it secret?

Just tell the people who matter to you the truth. Her expecting you to lie to them to protect her image is arrogant, but also ridiculous. They will realise the truth as soon as she introduces her “new” boyfriend.

Get the truth out, move out and concentrate on rebuilding your life. 💐

You'd be surprised at the number of people who will fall for the cheater's story.

jsku · 14/04/2025 02:48

Noideawhat2do · 13/04/2025 23:07

I get completely what you are saying and I think of lot of how I feel is that we are still in he same space but what gets me is nothing is out in the open - she has just told people we grew apart and won't talk about it being an affair that brought things to a head - so it's like being in an alternate reality. She not met someone new she has became the other woman to man she was having the affair with - the man who begged Mr not to tell his wife - I just need away from the whole thing to start actually living again. Yes I have been seeing a therapist

I get it that you are hurting( but inviting everyone into the drama is not going to make you feel better. There will be no public flogging. But things will become more tense and your kids will be the collateral damage.

I’d tell your closest friends and family. But the rest don’t need to know.
As to the man at her work - 🤷🏻‍♀️. You don’t even really know who she is seeing now.
If you feel you want to tell his W - i’d not do it now - while you are living together, and still going through divorce.
And even then - i’d think about the kids and co-parenting relationship that would be my priority.
Getting her to have problems at work wont help…

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/04/2025 03:04

This is what cheaters do. They rewrite history.

Let her.

You can correct people who ask or who want to know but most don't really care.

I hope you can pick up a new life from the mess. And be a rock for your dcs so they can rely on you.

Sorry for your pain. And I hope perhaps you can meet someone new who doesn't think cheating is a good way to solve problems.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 14/04/2025 03:05

@Noideawhat2do You are playing catch up. She had already left before you found out. It’s a hard place to be. I remember well how it felt.

Agree with pp that taking some power back helps. Stop looking at her life and next steps and focus on your own. Easier said than done i know.

Tell people what really happened. I waited years before I did and I wish I had been open about it from the start. It felt like a secret that I had to keep to save face. But it actually destroyed me.

Then rebuild. Think about how you want your life to look and do it.

Things will feel better soon enough. Key is to not stay in this quagmire. Look forward. Force yourself.

Elasticatedtrousers · 14/04/2025 07:44

Why on earth are you keeping her secret and allowing her, her false narrative?

Take back control, speak your truth and make sure the cheated on wife is told, she deserves to know.

I know this is a platitude but it sounds as though you’re well rid!

Noideawhat2do · 14/04/2025 08:34

Elasticatedtrousers · 14/04/2025 07:44

Why on earth are you keeping her secret and allowing her, her false narrative?

Take back control, speak your truth and make sure the cheated on wife is told, she deserves to know.

I know this is a platitude but it sounds as though you’re well rid!

Fear tbh - fear that she will weaponise our children despite me being the majority carer - I always thought I would know what I would do in this situation but I've almost been the opposite

OP posts:
Mrsknowitall · 14/04/2025 08:44

Lorlorlorikeet · 13/04/2025 23:34

I’d tell his wife if I were you, just before you move out, and then tell your ex just as you leave.

And I’d correct all the people she’s told you’d ’drifted apart’. Take a bit of the power back.

And then be glad you’re rid of such a moral wasteland of a person and focus on being the decent parent for your children and healing.

Edited

I would 100% do exactly this, let the man’s wife know, not only does she deserve the truth but I bet you money that he fucks your wife off, that would stop her skipping. Sorry you’re going through this op it’s shit

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/04/2025 09:21

@Noideawhat2do my priority would be legal advice about the kids .
This won’t get better once she leaves .
I doubt she will do right by the kids .
Have you both discussed who has the kids when.
Will they live with you or her ?
Id get some counseling. You are being allowed to talk about how you have been treated . This would give you safe space to do so.
Tbh has nee the stuff with the kids was sorted I wouldn’t be hiding her dirty secret. .
Shes a Lier and a cheat and sleeping with a married man.
No way would I be protecting her .

Noideawhat2do · 14/04/2025 10:33

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/04/2025 09:21

@Noideawhat2do my priority would be legal advice about the kids .
This won’t get better once she leaves .
I doubt she will do right by the kids .
Have you both discussed who has the kids when.
Will they live with you or her ?
Id get some counseling. You are being allowed to talk about how you have been treated . This would give you safe space to do so.
Tbh has nee the stuff with the kids was sorted I wouldn’t be hiding her dirty secret. .
Shes a Lier and a cheat and sleeping with a married man.
No way would I be protecting her .

We have agreed 50/50 - she was clear that way then neither of us paid maintenance which we literally the last thing on my mind

OP posts:
BoldRobin · 14/04/2025 17:23

She is a classic avoidant, and a train wreck. She might seem ok on the surface (she is forcing herself to be), but my god is her world going to come crashing down on her when it catches up, because it always does. Believe me, the happiness and care free behaviour from her is pure pure avoidance. Underneath that mask, she feels guilt, shame and a self loathing deeper than you can comprehend. You are dealing with your hurt now, you will come out stronger, and sooner. She probably won't even feel any of it for a while, but when she does....

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