Hi All, this is going to be a long post, but providing as much detail as possible…
I am reaching out for guidance and advice.
I am 36 and I have a daughter who is 11 going on 12 later this year.
I got married last year and husband & I have been talking about having a child. However, we were going through a rough patch…lots of arguing and back & forth of things got better than got bad, repeat.
on Valentine’s Day this year, I found out I was pregnant and was planning to tell him the same day, but that evening we got into a argument and he said he wanted to end things. I was hurt and didn’t say anything. I thought about it overnight on whether to tell him or not, mainly because I didn’t want to dissuade him from a decision he made. The next morning I felt it was the right thing to do, to tell him. So I did, and I figured he wouldn’t believe me and he didn’t.
I ended up going back to my room, crying my eyes out and then I pulled myself together and said, I’m going to make today a good day. And I did.
Fast forward the next few days after Valentine’s Day, I started thinking about what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted my daughter’s life to look like and how does a pregnancy fit in all of it. My partner then came to me one night and said he wanted to work things and have a baby. Mind you, my mind was already fully focused that we ended and I had two options: co-parent and unfortunately, an abortion. I know abortion is a heavy topic and please bear with me… I had to place all options on the table. It’s not easy being a woman and a mom.
when he came to me saying he wanted to work things out, that was my third option. I was so hesitant and on the fence, because bringing a child into something unstable was going to place the child in a mess and the child did not ask for that.
i ended up putting my mom hat on and thought what was the best and loving way for me to protect this child.
i told him how I felt (uncertainty of having a child and raising a child with him) and what my 3 options were. He wasn’t happy about the abortion option.
Fast forward on a Sunday, he said he still didn’t believe me about the pregnancy and I told okay…that’s fine, the child doesn’t exist. Don’t believe me. He went over saying something and I ignored him, then continued to clean. When I was in the bathroom cleaning, I was getting even more upset and saw a pregnancy test. I grabbed one, used it and went out to him and tossed it at his feet, saying here is your evidence. He ended up ignoring me and then my daughter asked him why he was moody, he explained it was because of our situation and she advised him to talk it out. He told her to butt of it and then she told him to stop being mean to me & figure this out. he ended up leaving me and my daughter. He moved out. I ended up taking some time for myself and my daughter’s biological dad stepped in and helped me out.
I went to Hawaii and spent time with a very close friend for about a week and she has been through so much in life and has been super supportive through all of this.
on my last day in Hawaii, my then ex-husband reached out via text asking if I was aborting. I told him no, it was an option I had to look at, but I was keeping the baby and felt comfortable and confident to do this on my own without him and that I felt happy and peaceful. I truly did… and I felt so ready to do this all on my own. He then asked to see me to talk in-person which I was hesitant on agreeing to because i didn’t see the need to talk to him anymore and I really felt so zen. I didn’t have a reaction or a response to him so I told him I was happy and peaceful and that I was going to have an amazing chapter in my life, but didn’t need a conversation with him. He asked again later and I said “sure” because I felt like “might as well rip the bandaid off”. He explained why he left which simply in terms was because he thought I was going to have an abortion.
double fast forward, he asked about counseling and trying to work on things. I agreed to counseling with him because I have never seen him in the version of himself who has gone to counseling so I’m curious and I am a type of person who shows grace…we all mess up but I don’t use the term “we’re all human, humans mess up, etc”…I’m more of along the lines, we make mistakes and things happen, but I try to view it from the person’s perspective to understand why they reacted the way they did. In my opinion someone reacts the best they could in that situation…so I show grace and patience. Anyways, counseling…we haven’t even gone yet, shocking yet I kinda already knew this would happen. My daughter was very forward with me and him. She told him flat out she does not trust him and that if he has done this once, he will do it again. I do 100% agree with her and asked of her to let me know if she was uncomfortable with this — if so I would end it all and continue with a divorce. She said she was okay with trying.
so timeline, pregnancy discovered 2/14 and he ends up leaving/moving out 2 weeks later. I go out to Hawaii around March 8th, week later he reaches out. We start talking. I told him I don’t trust him. Etc…on st patty’s day, I have a miscarriage. And god, it was heartbreaking but I felt I could never be happy about this pregnancy because I was too busy arguing with him and my little babe deserve far better than what we could offer. Life has its way and I am being respectful of it. Things happen for a reason.
as of today, he is still supportive, still working on things…but no counseling. He has told me he doesn’t want to have a child anytime soon because our values are different…I told him I agree and it would be reckless of us to have a child together because of the instability and lack of trust.
we have been working on our relationship. He has changed. He is no longer impatience, he has gotten better at listening, he has taken a huge change and initiative in helping me around the house, and asks what he can do better on…this is such a 180 from how he was before…and I’m not saying he is a horrible horrendous guy…I wouldn’t marry someone like that, but it was within a span of 6 months of constant arguing, lack of or horrible communication, non-resolving conversations on concerns, and basically shutting down, being mean or ignoring each other..im guilty of all of this as much as he is..but he has made a change and I’m sitting here thinking, wow — he is different and so am I.
however, I have realized over the last 2 weeks that I do want to have a child, but…this is a big one… I don’t want to have a child with him because of values being different (he made a great point to me about this and I agree with him) and secondly, I’m afraid to have a child with him because again…he left me once, he most likely will do it again.
i told him today that we should talk about continuing a relationship together. He was shocked about this and I provided my reasoning being values related and me being afraid of his repeat action. I do want a child, I’m not getting younger and neither is he, our values and me being afraid…these are important to consider and should be a determining factor. He is aware of this. I told him we shouldn’t waste our time and we both want the same thing, but we have blockades. He wants to stay together… but there is a large overhanging cloud on us.
I’m reaching out to my mom and woman world…what do you think? What is your guidance and advice? Thank you for your help!