Ex husband treating dc very differently

[Oursummerisoveralready]

I don’t have a relationship with my exh. He refuses to talk to me.
we have 2 dd ages 13 and 11.
My exh buys the oldest a lot of nice things, takes her shopping latest iPhones, she sees him about once a month for dinner and stays over night about once every 3 months.
when my youngest dd visits he constantly tells her to be quiet and doesn’t buy any gifts. My oldest DD confirms he is horrible to younger DD. Younger DD now only goes every few months for dinner.

I don’t know how to deal with the unfairness with it all, now my youngest wants a new iPhone, I can’t afford to buy one whilst my oldest DD is walking around in designer clothes and the latest iPhone. It’s heartbreaking to see this happen

I honestly don't understand how parents can treat their children differently like this but I wouldn't call it "heartbreaking" to have an iphone just not the latest iphone. She'll be fine, it's just the unfairness of the treatment that hurts. I get that.

Do you have any idea why he is so unpleasant to the younger Dd?

Or is it just arbitrary because he's a nasty piece of work?

@DenholmElliot11 is not just the latest iPhone, it’s the shopping trips, the new nails, cash she comes home with. Watching one parent treat your sibling different is really hard for her and myself to watch.

@Seachanger he really is a nasty bit of work, I left him because he was horrible. Youngest DD is harder work and not as pleasing as older DD, she will argue back if she feels something is unfair and she has also told him in the past she doesn’t like seeing him because he’s not very nice and she still feels this way and comes up with any excuse not to see him. So I guess she is harder work for him. Oldest tells me that he doesn’t really know her as she just tells him what he wants to hear and behaves herself and doesn’t argue back this house.

It feels as if my younger dd is being punished for speaking her mind and not putting up with his abusive behavior and he is still getting her by spoiling older DD.

This kind of behaviour can show up when one person (usually a father) has been perpetrating coercive control on a whole family unit, and they continue this abuse of the children post-separation.

Unfair treatment is a kind of emotional abuse that encourages hierarchy - overvalues one child while undervaluing the other, creates a "divide and conquer" situation that makes it easier for one individual to control family members by playing them off against each other. It's also common for coercive controlling types to use family members to hurt other family members Is this behavioir happening in this context?

Some families are ok with a lot of inequality between family members but if you want to counter such overt favouritism you can embrace the value of "team-player" which is that you all support each other, no one gets left behind, and you are only a strong as the person who is least-well-off in the family. In my view (and I might be unusual!) it's ok and even healthy for children to learn to sacrifice having an excess of something in order to love and care for the people closest to them - because ultimately you have far more to gain by having close and caring relationships.

@Trashpalace . I will try the team-player thing but the girls don’t get on so it’s hard to get them to do this. I will point out that they could between them remove his power by sharing the items oldest DD gets but she will see this as unfair as she’s likely to put more value on her material items than her sibling relationship right now.

This is something he’s always done, we’ve been divorced for 8 years but as they have become older it’s become more obvious.

What a horrible man! I think the only thing you can do is make the day that your oldest goes to her dad once a month a special day for your youngest. This doesn't mean you have to spend loads of money. It could be seeing a film together, going to a gallery or exhibition. Ordering a nice takeaway and doing a pampering session at home.

Then to make the 2 girls bond, you could do something together once a month/every 2 months.

Making beautiful memories together will stay with them forever. They will soon forget about the trainers and the phones.

I would remove any special clothes, phone etc if youngest didn’t get the same.
Your oldest dd needs to know you’re a team and her father cannot treat the siblings differently.
Of course she’ll be annoyed but she’ll also learn a lesson about unfairness.

You've definitely got a good handle on what is going on and ideas about what to do, and you know your children better then anyone, so trust your instincts and intelligence to work with the situation and guide your children towards being adults you will be proud of. Sometimes you do need to be unpopular but with my kids I tried to explain why I was doing something they might not like and why it was necessary.

It's definitely a long game, there won't be a quick fix, so if you can keep in mind where you want to go and nudge things in that direction over time you as you see opportunities and times when you need to call things out your efforts will show.

I had one child who was favoured and it is a long road but I've worked on helping this child grow less selfish (because essentially overindulgence that is unfair leads to selfishness) and they are much happier, better relationship with sibling and my relationship with them is so much closer now, so it is well worth the efforts not just for the benefit of the scapegoat child and the overall family dynamic, but for the well-being of the "golden child" themselves.

You can message me if I can be of any further support to you.

The iPhone is nothing, she’s 11 and you’re better she doesn’t have a phone yet anyway! The being mean to her is awful though, what does he say when you ask him?

Did your exDH actually want a second child? Or did he go along with it to placate the OP? Whilst no excuse for favouritism, it could explain it.

@stayathomer I have reached out loads of times over the years offering to help the relationship between them but his replies are that he knows what he’s doing with his children and that he’s a great dad so to mind my own business. Since I left him, he has done so many unforgivable things to try and destroy me that I can no longer communicate with him.

@Bonmot57 yes she was very much wanted on both sides. We had both always said we wanted 2 dc and not once did he raise any concerns about having a second child. My youngest actually looks like him and when she was a toddler and we were still together it was all about her. It was when we separated he found having them together hard work and the younger one found her voice and is much more outspoken than the oldest.