Dealing with a defensive partner

[Longsilvermirror]

Just after some advice on how to improve communication in my relationship.

my partner and I seem to be in a really bad habit of arguing over silly things and then it escalating quite quickly. If there is ever an issue things get heated quite quickly and then we end up not speaking until my DP calms down and approaches me. He can get quite defensive and angry so it’s difficult to make him see my point of view, I feel like I always get the blame for everything and I can’t raise things as it will just start an argument.

hes generally quite loving and we have a lovely time together but when he’s mad at me he makes me feel hated and it then overshadows all the nice things he does.

can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with things better?

He’s training you to never challenge him or raise any concerns you have. He then punishes you if you do by making you feel, “hated”. Then he chooses when things will be resolved, if they are to be. This isn’t a healthy relationship.

If this isn’t an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner is at best a very poor communicator. Instead of listening to your concerns he jumps to the defensive. This shows he feels that any kind of perceived criticism as an attack. Therefore, you might want to pre-frame before you even begin to raise your issue.

Pick a time to talk that isn’t stressful and everyone is in a good mood.

Ask if it’s a good time to have a chat. If it is, great if not, ask when would be a good time.

Sit down and calmly state you’d like to talk about YOUR feelings. Keep to I statements like, “I feel sad when x happens”.

If he starts to become defensive just bring it back to you. “When you get defensive I feel frustrated because I want to have a calm discussion.” Or, “I feel anxious when you get angry because I don’t enjoy conflict and I feel resented.”

Assure your partner that you are not attacking him by saying something like, “It seems like when I talk about my feelings or raise an issue that I feel is important, you take it as a personal attack. This isn’t my intent as I love you and want to be happy in our relationship.”

If things start to become heated, “I can see that things are becoming heated and so I think we should talk about this again later when we’ve both cooled down.”

Ultimately, you can do your best to have a mature, adult line of communication but you can’t make him be a better communicator. You can express how you feel, reassure him and choose when and if to continue the conversation.

However, if he continues to punish you, blame you and turn everything round on you, (DARVO) whenever things aren’t going to plan, you might need to consider it’s more than just poor communication and that it could be he’s emotionally abusive. In which case, I’d advise you to speak to women’s aid and read this book

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

What's he doing to improve communication between the two of you?

My dh is like this. We are going through it at the moment and I very nearly started my own thread on it.
The only difference is that its me that approaches him trying to resolve things and he will shut me down. Saying things like 'are you still going on about that' or 'I've got nothing else to say'.
Nothing ever gets resolved .
what usually happens is that the initial conversation will be calm and constructive but then a couple of days later he will counteract it with a list of things he's been thinking about that make me 'in the wrong'. And then just leave it there. Leaving me fuming with lots of questions, then him shutting me down, acting like nothings wrong, being nice, inviting me out for dinner etc.
Normally things just blow over but the issue is never resolved.
This time for me is different, I'm not prepared for things to just blow over. It has taken me a really long time to realise he does this to doubt myself and shut me up. I grew up in a house where I was seen and not heard, so I tend to shut down and just avoid him. This is what he wants.
I have also realised that maybe he can't see things from my point of view, it's just not in him. He doesn't understand other people's emotions.

Many men feel any criticism is a personal attack on them. It’s emotionally immature. They can’t just listen. Men also often want to solve the problem and don’t understand that women just want to be listened to. Perhaps saying to your men before you bring up the issue something like,

“There’s something I want to talk about and I would just like you to listen to me. I don’t need you to give me any answers or solve my problem, I just need to talk as I’d like you to understand how I’m feeling right now. This isn’t about wanting to fight or put anything on you. I don’t want you to feel attacked because it’s not about you it’s about how I feel and I just need you, as my husband/partner to hear me.”

This might be helpful.

Look (or more appropriately, he should look) to his childhood. If this was the approach that his parents took to disagreements then he will see it as normal.

Does he think there's a problem? Or does he think you're at fault?

Have a look at Jimmy on Relationships on FB. The 3rd video down addresses defensiveness!!

I know some people find this guy really annoying, but I think his stuff is excellent…https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdF6Mme3/