Boyfriends family hates me. But am I being unreasonable?

[Cms1987]

My boyfriends family hates me. But am I acting out of line?

I met my boyfriend 6 years ago when I was 32 and he was 22. I was a single parent to my 3 year old daughter. We dated for a year as I didn't want to rush into anything because of my daughter. A year after we decided to make it official. As soon as his family found it,this went down hill. His mum and his auntie decided to message me on social media telling me to leave him alone and I was too old for him. His mothers message said this is the last time I will be telling you to stop this and called me pathetic. His auntie warned me that she would come to my house. I was mortified and didn't want the stress especially that someone was now threatening to come to my house when I had my daughter to think about. So I ended the relationship and said I didn't need the stress. My boyfriend told them all to mind their own business and told me he didn't want to end the relationship. Deep down I didn't want to either so decided to try and ignore them. One evening we was out for dinner and his dad called, as my partner was driving, the call was on handsfree, his dad said "are you with that slag"
It was very hard but I just thought its me and my partner il ignore them. Fast forward 3 years I fell pregnant. His mum threw a fit saying he was too young at 25 to have a baby. She then came round 6 weeks later and sent me a message saying shes come to terms with it and we will both make great parents. Then all of his family decided to add me as friends on social media. They then was acting as my best friend because I was pregnant. I was amicable. When I was pregnant with my first child I felt extremely low the first few days because of the amount of family and friends that came to visit and it was very over whelming and I felt I missed out on bonding with my daughter in the first few days. So I explained to my partner that when our son was to be born, I didn't want to feel like that again and I wanted to have a few days just the 4 of us as a family and then parents ect can come round on day 3. He promised that's what would happen. Fast forward to the birth my partner was updating his mother on his phone all the time. He is a mummy's boy and is close to his family. Our son was born at 7.59am. I had to stay in hospital for 2 days. That evening he asked if his mum could come up. I was so exhausted after birth and didn't want it, I still had a cafiter in and blood on my legs when she turned up. She sat there taking pics, holding my son, getting my boyfriend to take pics while she posed with the baby. Since them I just cannot get over that he did this. I get that he wanted to share this moment with his mum however it was a broken promise and no regards to my feelings. The day after we went home and by the time we was discharged it was 9pm. We arrived home 9.30. His brother called at 10pm at night saying im coming round yo see the baby. We explained that we had just got home, I was knackered and it was late. We had a load of abuse from his brother saying he didn't care if I was exhausted, he was my coming to see me and that I was controlling stopping the family from seeing the baby. Since then over the past two years of my son growing up, his mum demands to see him ag the drop of a hat then moans if we have plans. My partner has said to her that she should apologise for threatening me at the start to which she replied no what she did at the time she thought was right. His dad is an alcoholic and dosent work, has been in a coma due to his alcohol intake and his dad treats my partner awfully, demands he comes and sees him at a time that suits him which is usually 3pm in the afternoon when he wakes up and demands he sees him on my partners day off but we usually have plans as a family on this one day as my partner works weekends. My partner has gone yo see his dad on Christmas dsy and because my partner didn't take our son he refused to open the door and left my partner in the cold. He borrows money of my partner all the time. Has missed my sons birthday and Christmas presents. I then told my partner that I don't want our son seeing his dad because he is a alcoholic and cannot speak without 6 swear words in one sentence and im worried that he will treat my son the way he treats my partner.so my partner has told him to sort himself out before he can see our son. Now he's sent my partner loads of messages saying im controlling, somethings wrong with me cause of the age gap and everyone thinks it. Ect. Just horrible messages. Am I wrong to not want to have anything to do with my partners family and to not want my son seeing his dad? Also its really making me feel different about my partner, deep down I can't get over him bringing his mum to the hospital and he's very close to his family which I find hard as he tells his family all my business even about my job my family everything and I just can't get over it all. My partner says he wants to keep everyone happy.

Dear God, they all sound awful, especially the father. No you're not unreasonable at all, I wouldn't want my children around that family, and I'd have nothing to do with them. And your partner needs to have your back in this, if he can't or won't then I'd be thinking hard about whether this relationship is worth all this.

Sounds like you have reasonable boundaries, stick to them. Keep your standards, with the kindness and decency you clearly have (and they seem to struggle with). Ask your partner to join you in behaving like a decent human for the sake of your children, plan how to leave if he won't try.

Seems really unfair to be ruminating about your partner’s Mum coming to the hospital as it’s a long time ago. Gosh. To go from leave my son alone to broadly accepting his choice and wanting to see her new grandchild was progress. Astonished you are still resentful. He is a first time Dad, much younger and only natural he’d get carried away and find it hard to say no to his Mum in the moment who by your own admission he is close to. Did he want to upset you? Of course not so annoying and bit inconsiderate just let it go.
He’s a parent too but visitation and who sees DC when seems to be your decision mainly. Can’t have an arrangement where you’re the main parent and he and his family feel like also rans. Agree with his Dad being limited but you decided to create a family together. Your DS other side of his family through his Mum want to be involved so put some boundaries in place but respect his relationship with his Grandma and DPs side is something you should be facilitating.
From what you say there’s every chance this relationship will fizzle in the not too distant future. Not sure why you’d opt to have a baby as sounds like you are already hankering after someone more mature and with less ties to his family.

Agree with n/c for his Dad 100%. We are only getting one side. I feel a bit sorry for the DP and paternal grandmother. No right or wrong but always two sides. OP should be the bigger person here and find a way to navigate a healthy outcome in DS best (not necessarily her) best interests.

You are being unreasonable about his mum visiting hospital. Of course she was eager to meet her grandchild. It's natural for gradoarents and uncles/ aunts to visit on the first day.
About his horrible father, yes, he dies not sound like someone you want around your children. How are they towards your first child? You do not not speak about him/her, which is a concern... How has he/ she lived through this? How is your partner to him/her? Both your children should always be first.

It really feels like you've made your bed. You started a relationship with someone who can't put boundaries in with his family and then decided to continue and now have had a baby with him. No surprise he still can't put boundaries in with his family or that you are in a tug of war with his family . You are going to have to decide what kind of life you want for your children and make some plans or drift a long in this way until it becomes unacceptable further on down the line.

You have a weak partner and were a fool to make a baby in this situation.

Initially, if I'm really honest, I could understand them being concerned over the age gap but then you explained the family dynamics and actually it makes a lot of sense. Your partner has grown up in a really dysfunctional home - dad is abusive and controlling of everyone through his alcoholism- mum is powerless to deal with that and isn't ready to leave so she's become co dependent on her son and he's grown up dealing with much more than he really should have and has thought that to be normal. You have actually probably offered him a lot of stability and maturity and less dependency and allowed him to just be himself.

I actually think I would be encouraging he goes for counselling- there's a LOT he needs to unpack there from his own childhood and current family dynamics and until he really understands that what he experienced isn't normal or healthy, he's going to have a really hard time putting boundaries in place with them and protecting his little family including your kids and you.

Once he's done that for a bit, then couples counselling would be good to help you understand him and how it's affected him, and for him to really understand how this is affecting you and his relationship and his role as a parent.

Ultimately he's a victim in all this, but he needs to choose to address it all so he can get in front of it, otherwise you're going to keep having all the same issues and op you will be in the position of needing to swallow a lot which could build resentment over time.

I fully understand why you felt so betrayed over the early visiting, I had a similar experience and felt very let down at a time when I felt very vulnerable and really needed my ex to step up for me. I think that's one for couples counselling as an example of how this type of problem can drive a small wedge but ultimately you will need to choose to let it go.

There isn't going to be a fast fix here, he's going to need to learn a whole new way of interacting with his family and they will make that extremely difficult for him to do.

I also fully agree I wouldn't be having your kids around his dad unless he changes his ways. Being chronically disrespectful of a parent comes with the consequence of losing out on the kids. Anyone sensible knows that's the natural order of things.

I understand that things have been bad but I really think you should make an attempt to be the bigger person here and try and fix this for all of you. They’ve not behaved well but I can understand why they weren’t enthusiastic about your relationship. I do feel that 22 year olds who get involved with much older partners get a little bit of their youthful fun, freedom and opportunities taken away from them.

You say he’s a “mummy’s boy” but I think that’s not really fair. He’s close to his family. That’s a good thing. He defied them in continuing the relationship with you against their disapproval, so he’s not that much of a “mummy’s boy”. He’s just not prepared to be forced into a ‘me-or-them’ choice.

He says himself, he just wants to try and keep everyone happy. I feel sorry for him most, TBH.

It seems to me like you chose a little boy because you thought you'd get to call all the shots but forgot to consider that anyone willing to get into a relationship with a 32 yo mother at 22 is probably already acclimatised to controlling relationships and the controlling family is still around.

You picked a little boy and he acts like a little boy, very little sympathy.

Why in the world would a 32 year old woman with a child want to be with a 22 year old lad?
I think their behaviour was low and they all sound dysfunctional but my god- what were you thinking?

I think you have made shocking choices throughout so being annoyed at him for his choices seems a bit rich really!

They've behaved badly, but they're right there's something wrong with you. No emotionally health 30+ year old gets into a relationship with someone in their early 20s. People who do that are immature, emotionally stunted, and/or a predator looking for an easy victim to control.

Seems like your partner blames you for everything that happens with his family and sides with them to keep the peace.

If my DHs dad ever called me a slag he would never speak to him again.

You have a partner problem and always have had.

This was very much self-inflicted situation. I suggest couples therapy. But he is was very young when you started dating not sure what you expected

firstly its clear to see they are interfering with no boundaries and bullies. this has made your partner develop a very easy going personality to cope with their behavior. just think you've only had to tolerate them for a few years. he has been subjected to that since childhood. best advice MOVE a long way away or have as little contact with them as possible. you dont have to moan about them to partner. you can ignore calls, you dont have to open the door. when they moan and say i phoned you just say oh sorry we were asleep or some other excuse. also why would you want their approval you sound decent, so dont worry about their approval your partner chose you for a reason

I have two adult DSs and must admit I'd have been upset if they started seeing a 32 year old with a child when they were so young. I'd feel the same if it was my DD too. The reason I'd feel stronly towards the older partner is because I'd expect them to remember being 22. It's so young. How much of life had he experienced before he settled down?
It's not the age gap, more the fact you were at different stages of life. The frontal lobe isn't fully formed until age twenty five. I wouldn't want any of my DC making commitments like marriage and DC so young. If you'd posted as your aged 24yo partner saying you were trying to get pregnant in your situation at the time or that you were a 22yo in a relationship with a 32yo single parent you'd get what posters really think.
My eldest DS and DIL were each other's first BF/GF aged 16. I was always open about my views that I hoped they would experience life before they married, which they did early last year and became parents this year.
They bought a home aged 23. It made sense to buy because they wanted to move in together, had a deposit and buying is much cheaper than renting here.
I still think they were young when they married and chose to become parents, but they were almost thirty, had travelled extensively (and continie to do so with GD), had established careers, owned their own home and were married. Would you say the same of your partner before he became a parent? Posters are being disingenuous if they're saying they'd be thrilled for their DC if this not the case, especially if they were lead by a partner with almost 50% more life expience and their DS was only 22 when they met.
Did you make your DM wait two days to see your first DC? It feels from your post that you tell him what to do. You might be the happiest couple and be together forever but can you honestly say that every decision in your post was made equally?

The best solution without making it personal, would be to move away from the ghastly family.

You don't want your child growing up in frequent contact with an ignorant & abusive gran and great aunt, or a drunk grandfather. Can you find a well paid new job in the next county?

Sorry to be harsh, but you were 32 with a kid and he was 22?! No parent would be happy with that relationship. Anyone who says they would are being disingenuous

rubbish they are both adults, as long as they were treating each other right what does it matter about a age gap or child, to interfere and be abusive is toxic to say the least