How to stop retroactive jealousy?

[Theblueduck]

This is something I struggle with a lot. I don’t bring it up to my partner as I know how draining it would be to hear, but I can never stop comparing myself to his past sexual partners.

I was a virgin when we got together (20) and he had had two previous sexual partners.
Still to this day (years later) during sex I often remember he has done this with someone else and it really upsets me.

I think of sex as something sacred between us, then I remember that’s not the same for him and I feel almost dirty?

We are each others first relationship, but when I think about him having sex with other women before me it just makes me feel so icky and sad.

Has anybody else ever felt like this? And is there any way to over come it?

Yes. Therapy solved it.

Would it help to remind yourself that sex is in no way sacred, because it's totally and utterly commonplace, has been done by humans and animals since the dawn of time, and exists to further your genes?

Does it help at all to know that sex is completely and utterly different with each partner? Yeah, it's made up of the same components, but it's still unique.

To compare to two other activities I enjoy:-

Playing squash - I've played squash with a lot of different people in my life, and most of the time one game of squash is the same as another. Yeah, different opponents present different challenges, and require different tactics, but mostly it's just about trying to play the best game I can, and that mostly goes the same no matter the partner.

Singing with someone else - This is much more about the person you're singing with. Every new person I've sung with is a new experience. You find your own tempo, rhythms, how your voices work together. It's about creating something shared together. Even singing the same song. Yeah, the notes are the same, the melody is the same, but the combination of our voices sounds different.

Sex for me is a lot more like the singing than the squash. It's something you learn to do together. You find out each others tempo, rhythms, what works with each others bodies. Like the singing, the individual actions, the "notes" might be the same, but the experience as a whole is different.

I've had sex with a number of people before meeting DP, but I've never had "sex with DP" with anyone else. And the same is true for DP, she's had sex with other people before me, but I'm not jealous of that because it's a different experience to what she's had with me.

Sex isn't sacred. Dogs do it, rats do it, slugs do it! The sacred part is the connection between the two of you while you have sex, the unique experience you create between you, that isn't possible with anyone else, because it's unique to the combination of two unique individuals.

I think as another poster has already said, you might need some help/therapy putting this in perspective. It's extraordinary that you'll find your lifetime partner at the first go. Most people will have a few or numerous relationships before finally finding someone that they're most compatible with. Sex in itself will be the same as in a mechanical way but completely different in both the variety & emotional sense. Your insecurities will no doubt stem from your inexperience of physical relationships. However if your partners happy who cares. There's a whole source of information on the Internet and you have the opportunity to explore what you both might like. The secret is communication and to keep talking. Be interested in each others tomorrow's not your yesterday's!

I used to be like this when I was younger (teens, early 20s) but I'm honestly totally over it now. I think it's age, and getting bigger priorities with children etc.

I do get how you feel. I too used to get quite a visceral reaction to imagining it. And it seemed almost "disgusting" to me that he had dared to put MY penis near someone else 😂.

I mean my DH was married before me - so he literally had a wedding, a honeymoon night , the whole works with another woman. But I'd honestly be lying if I said I'm bothered by it. He loves me now, he's been with me longer, we have children, it's all ancient history.

Plus, he was a right pimp between me and his ex and had loads of dodgy dalliances which I found out about. But , it's all history.

You're thinking about your partner's previous sexual experiences - but I bet my life on it, that he is not thinking about them and probably never does!!

Meant kindly : this is a you thing. If you end up 'taking it out' on him or asking loads of questions/seeking validation - you'll push him away and he won't dare tell you things for fear of your response. I think you'll find time will heal here. Try to mentally "nip" yourself every time this starts crossing your mind to remind yourself to "stop it".