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Original poster

ND husband and me feeling down

6 replies

Chocchips123 · 13/04/2025 14:56

Hello

Just looking for some..I don't know ... encouraging words.

We have 2 ND ( neurodiverse)children, seems my dh had been masking until the reality's of life started. He too is very obviously ND.

I am a stay at home mum carer to my kids. I am quite down emotionally.

I keep having the same conversations with my dh about him just going into rigid autopilot and I'm left to deal with all the emotional side of family life ( All the time ) He is just there... existing. It's really depressing for me to be around it.

I can't leave as I need the support with our girls being so high needs and I would be alone with it and they would not cope with me here no car at the door and no dad at dinner time.

I don't even drive or work. Again I can't afford a car ( he drives to work in the family car) and the girls are so different and difficult to get through the days with.

I just feel like a really different person now in survival mode emotionally. I have some health issues that I've struggled with and my moods just make me stick my head in the sand. Causing me damage.

All dh does when I have to bring up yet again how I feel ( unsupported and alone emotionally we also cant have sex he had ed), he just goes all quite and says he wish he could be different and then things continue, until I say good things to him to build him up ( he doesn't do that much for me, but I point his good bits out as I feel sorry for him ) so we can move on and I just shut up again. Then the cycle continues.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 13/04/2025 15:12

This sounds really hard.

Is there anything he does manage to do? I would capitalise on those things. It sounds like he drives at least.

Have you discussed how he managed to mask to get you and how he needs to do a bit of that every day for the kids too?

As a ND parent so much of it is a performance of being okay. I always had a happy mask ready for my children when they were young. It’s incredibly hard and draining but morally you have to do it or your children suffer.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 16:01

Where is your support here, if any, from your local authority?. How old are your children and what support do both they and you need now?. Do you have a social worker?. Have you spoken to your GP about this?.

You are now at high risk of carer burnout and I would also not readily assume neurodiversity as a reason for his behaviour either. It's a choice and he is choosing to act like this; for example he may well be a product of his own upbringing in that his parents are the same. BTW does he think he is ND?. He is saying to you this is who he really is and he cannot be different so the cycle continues.

What is the point of him being there at all; what does he bring to the table?.
You cannot stay with him just because of or for the sake of the children; that never works out at all well and you do need a life of your own too.

Original poster
Chocchips123 · 13/04/2025 17:49

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 16:01

Where is your support here, if any, from your local authority?. How old are your children and what support do both they and you need now?. Do you have a social worker?. Have you spoken to your GP about this?.

You are now at high risk of carer burnout and I would also not readily assume neurodiversity as a reason for his behaviour either. It's a choice and he is choosing to act like this; for example he may well be a product of his own upbringing in that his parents are the same. BTW does he think he is ND?. He is saying to you this is who he really is and he cannot be different so the cycle continues.

What is the point of him being there at all; what does he bring to the table?.
You cannot stay with him just because of or for the sake of the children; that never works out at all well and you do need a life of your own too.

So we do just function like a regular stay at home mum family, husband works full time. We are fine in all ways, except the actual planning of life and all the emotional stuff / encouraging, it's mostly all done by me. If I delegate things for him to do, he will do it, he just often needs told to do it.

He does work hard to provide for us. I just feel so.... alone as the marriage side is just very..lacking, compared to how it was at first. It's sad 😔 I know he loves me , and he does sometimes show that by hugs and a kiss but I've just been left feeling a bit cheated of the marriage I thought we'd have. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocchips123 · 13/04/2025 17:52

It's like a go to work, come home , do what I or the kids need doing and the same thing day after day, but on days off it's also me making all the plans or nothing would happen. He acts so clueless outwith his job / what I actually ask him to do .

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 13/04/2025 17:53

But how old are they and supports do you have from health visitor/nursery/school if applicable?
Where/when did they get their diagnosis? Can you not go back there for support and advice?

Original poster
Chocchips123 · 13/04/2025 18:08

CaptainFuture · 13/04/2025 17:53

But how old are they and supports do you have from health visitor/nursery/school if applicable?
Where/when did they get their diagnosis? Can you not go back there for support and advice?

I know what you are saying but I just posted for relationship advice I guess.

The kids are a lot of work but we get on with life. It's not term that are the issue. It's just feeling like I need a husband who is encouraging.

OP posts:
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