Need advice please help

[Zaraaddict]

2 years in to a relationship with a man I have loved since I was 8 I’m now 60
we are both divorced with grown up children
my marriage ended as we just grew apart
his because his wife cheated
he has a 26 year old son who has downs I knew this and it wasn’t a problem to me that he spends lots of time with him
I love that he is a devoted dad
we kept the relationship quiet for the first 6 months as we have mutual friends and wanted to take it slow
since we let it know we are together his ex wife has ramped up her need for him to have his son whilst she spends time with her bf
up to 5 days a week

my bf works full time and the 2 -3 days I spend with him he is tired and irritated with me
I help him with his son as much as I can he stays at mine and i cook tea for them as much as I can .. even bringing him on holiday
with us
lately he’s been very nasty to me I’ve pointed out to him that I’m there for him and he wouldnt dream of speaking to his ex like that when she’s the one who puts on him
he says sorry then 2 weeks later it starts all over again
it’s come to a head last night when we went out for a meal and his daughter text him to say his son was drunk !! Banging his head on a table and throwing things in a pub
his mum had left him with daughter
naturally my boyfriend was angry .. we never get a minute together .. he turned on me saying it’s my son my daughter is letting me know the situation
obviously my night was ruined as he was upset he left me to go wherever
and hadn’t contacted me this morning
I feel like I have no standing
please advise me

lately he’s been very nasty to me
the son or your boyfriend? If the boyfriend, just end it.

You've loved him since you were EIGHT? I'm curious - how so?

Nonetheless, he's not nice. Get rid.

Because you’ve put this man on a pedestal since childhood you’re wearing massive rose tinted specs which are marking the massive red flags

If this was a man you hadn’t previously known and you only met 2 years ago, I reckon you’d have ended it by now but you’re clinging on to your childhood crush despite knowing deep down he’s not the fantasy man you built up in your head.

There’s far too much drama and negativity and him taking his frustrations out on you is a deal breaker imo.

OK op am confused here, you have loved him since you were 8 yrs old now 60,
Anyway sounds like your partner is under a lot of pressure looking after son , unfortunately this isn't going to change for him, his responsibility is to his son, but he does need to communicate better with you rather than getting frustrated with sed situations with son, he may need to have clear boundaries with xw on days he has son, to which am sure he will deal with sons behaviour and not expect xw to come running,

You need to talk this through with him so you know moving forwards, he hasn't contacted you this morning maybe because he is feeling overwhelmed with situation with son, again not your fault but he does need to communicate better you and xw, put some boundaries in,

Wasn't sure if you both are living together, and son stays over, or visits, as you mentioned cooking for him,
Hope you can resolve this,

OP does your bfs son have Downs Syndrome? Therefore he has a child with a disability and has to spend a lot of time caring for him.

There's nothing you can do here as your bf must support his son. Secondly, he's taking out his stress on you and third you seem to be taking over your bfs role in caring for his son.

I would knock this on the head as it's not going to improve and your bf is taking you for granted and treating you like a punch bag.

I help him with his son as much as I can he stays at mine and i cook tea for them as much as I can .. even bringing him on holiday with us

You are being taken for a mug by a not very nice man. Stop doing so much, back away, and see if your relationship improves. I doubt it will but your mental health and self esteem will improve dramatically and that's the important thing really. Put yourself first.

I’m sorry if I seem
muddled .. first time doing this
I’ve loved him since we were at school
he never knew this until we got together

yes he has downs .. a lovely lad who I am fond of
we don’t live together he’s asked but the way things are I don’t think it’s a good idea
he is under pressure and feels guilt as the ex wife will leave son with any one to be with new bf
my children get on with him and son
no friction from my end
just very upset today ..

If he's worried about his son then his son can live with him.

He can’t live with him as he goes to a day centre and my bf couldn’t be there to pick and drop him off with work shifts

His son is his priority and rightfully so as he's disabled.

You're also being used as a bangmaid and carer and your BF is taking out his frustrations on you. That's not acceptable.

He obviously doesn't feel the same as you. You've had a long term crush on this guy but you didn't really know him as a romantic partner until you got together 2 years ago. Time to take off the rose coloured glasses and see you're with a guy who's using you.

I agree his son is priority not trying to say otherwise .. I think so too
thank you everyone I will take the glasses off

I’ve loved him since we were at school
he never knew this until we got together

And that’s why you’re in denial about what’s in front of your eyes. You’ve spent your whole life putting this man on a pedestal and creating a fantasy about who he is and the reality is he’s not that Prince Charming giving your life a fairy tale ending..

He’s a man with a lot of baggage and he’s unloading onto you. You’re not his unpaid therapist or emotional punchbag. He knows you’ve been obsessed with him your whole life and he’s using that to treat you like a convenience knowing you’ll accept whatever crumbs he throws your way because you’ve waited your whole life to be with him.

Maybe it’s time to realise this dream man really was just an illusion and walk away for your own sanity.

He could pay a carer to take him.

That’s not for me to say really about him living with him
I don’t want to involve myself in all that
im walking away
just needed to know what I’m feeling is justified

There's no point dating this man, is there? How does he enhance your life?
You serve him and his adult son and he is irritated with you and nasty.
Life is for enjoying, not hanging out with some nasty bloke.

I'm not suggesting you do OP. I'm saying that if he's so concerned, he can live with his son. He's snappy because he can't be bothered with the responsibility and isn't willing to step up.

He's also letting you take care of his needs when he's with him. He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Oh op your relationship comes with his son, and while partner is allowing xw to control time spent with his dad, you'll always feel this way, this is partners problem to set some boundaries with xw , and stick to it, this may give your relationship a chance,

Seems like xw is getting more quality time with her new partner, it's got to ge fair op, like last night why didn't daughter ring mum up and tell her brother was drunk, why bother dad, this needs addressing,

im walking away
just needed to know what I’m feeling is justified

Yes. If a relationship isn't mutually supportive, equal, or doesn't bring you happiness even after talking then walk away as it will only harm you in the end. You have tried talking to him and he either can't or won't change so the choice he is giving you is to accept his anger and abuse or you leave. Choose peace and sanity by leaving

He needs day centre for friends and socialising