How do I (nicely!) tell my mum to back off?

[Youcannotbeserious]

I'm 39 weeks PG and was due to have my baby next weekend (El. CS). My mother annouced that she intends to fly down to see me.

I didn't / don't want her to, but DH talked me around and said it would be OK for a few hours so I said OK.

She then got into a stress because me next door neighbour (FFS!!!!) told her a different date (he was talking about the birth of his own baby!!!) and I had to 'prove' I was due to have my baby on the date I told her.

Anyway, went to see my consultant yesterday and things are happening a bit faster than we thought, so I'm now looking at going in this weekend...

My mother is convinced I'm doing this to stop her being there. I can't seem to get through to her than I'm really not, that actually this has nothing to do with her and I'm just thinking of my baby.

I'm waiting to hear back from the consultant this morning about timings for the weekend and my mother has made it clear she'll be calling me just before lunch time to find out what's happening.

I wouldn't mind her being about if she'd just calm down about things, but she's got a bl**dy opinion about everything and can really be quite nasty to people.

She has a need to control everything around her (she already controls pretty much every aspect of my sister's life) and I appreciate that she wants to help, but I'm not doing this to 'get' to her....

Sorry, just need to rant!

Perhaps just tell her that you would prefer she comes 5 or 6 days after the birth as that is when you would most appreciate some help? Would that work?

I would like to thank all you for your views.

My feelings about my mum do vary - sometimes (as in this instance) I can see that there are things from her past which make it difficult for her to behave differently and I'm more than prepared to cut a bit of slack as it were.

At other times, I do tend to think it's a bit OOT, bordering on obsessive...

attila - I do already have boundaries! I live far away and only really speak to my mum on the phone. I didn't even tell her I was PG until I was about 25 weeks gone and, even then, I made DH do it!!!

otter - I've had words with the chocolate dog and told him that if he loses any more leads, I'm going to buy him a non-extendable one (He hates those ones!!)

Thank you all - You have made me feel much better this morning!

YCBS x

YCBS - so glad you're feeling positive good luck with the upcoming birth

Atilla, thank you for such a positive debate. Its so rare on MN these days to be able to discuss/disagree without it descending into a slanging match so you've restored my faith Tour approach has certainly made me think hard too

YCBS

Would like also to entend my best wishes to you re the impending birth.

Never forget that you are not the root cause of her difficulties. You did not make her this way. You are an adult now.

Pheebe - Thank you

Thanks!

attila - That really sums it up: Sometimes I just need to hear that her behaviour isn't being caused by something I am / am not doing.

Remembering that makes it all much easier.

pheebe - Totally agree. It is lovely to be able to discuss a topic without it getting personal (and much more helpful too!)

hehehe - if only babies were that easily bribed....

fingers crossed for you with the birth, expect the full low-down on the may thread!!!

See... now, I've talked to her again and actually agree with some of the things Attila wrote.

She is angry that I'm not having the baby next weekend because it means she won't be there... Her words 'well, you've got your way. We won't be there'

She is angry that my DSDs will be there. She feels that it is unacceptable for them to be present and that their mum should look after them (we haven't even mentioned this to thier mum, but I don't think she'd help out anyway, so what's the point in stressing?)

She is angry that DH will be going back to work on Monday (he works abroad) so I'll be on my own when I get out of hospital.

I know she is upset for me, because this isn't what she would have wanted, but this is my life. I don't see why I should be upset because my mother doesn't think that my life is acceptable.

Only you can decide whether you have a healthy relationship with your parents, but from what you wrote it is not an equaly relationship, if that makes any sense . Good luck with the birth. Hope it all goes well.

YCBS - I think you've said it yourself. SHE'S ANGRY, not you. If she's angry thats her emotion to deal with not yours. You've made the arrangements to suit you, all you can do distance yourself from her anger (not easy I know) and focus on yourself and baby. Personally I think I'd tell her she was being ridiculous and laugh then rapidly move on to something else like plans for her next visit, how much you're looking forward to her meeting new baby etc etc That way you aren't letting her in and you aren't letting her emotions affect you/your decisions. Attila did speak alot of sense, you do need to realise this is her issue not yours, don't feel responsible for her emotions or for her happiness.

Focus on your new baby who you'll be meeting in jsut a few days

YCBS

I note your Mother is now trying out the FOG technique (fear, obligation, guilt). Don't fall for it. Stand firm!!.

You cannot and should not get upset over your Mother throwing her toys out of the pram in a pique. Pheebe's right y'know - just concentrate on your own self and that of your own family unit. You've made your own arrangements and none of this can or even should be changed or altered in any way to "suit" her.

You are only responsible for your own self ultimately; not your Mother and certainly you cannot be at all responsible for her issues. You are not her emotional loo. They are HER issues, not yours. It is a great pity that she is acting like this but it it not your fault at all that she is like this. I cannot stress that enough. These difficult people often cannot be at all reasoned with and will only listen to their own selves.

Concentrate on meeting your new addition to your family she writes saying "ahh". I hope the birth goes well for you.

Attila

Attila, YCBS - have started a new thread in Relationships - I'd love your views!

YCBS best of luck