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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?

15 replies

LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 10:18

I’m just feeling so unsure about what to do and don’t know if I’m just depressed/low or I really want to end the relationship. Sorry this is a bit long but thought it’s good to try to explain as much as possible.

Some background info:
We’ve been together about 5/6 years, living together around 3.5 years. No children together.

He has a 19 year old son who stays with us normally around 3 nights a week.

We live in a pretty small 2 bed flat.

I’ve had 3 significant bereavements in the last two years, including one 3 weeks ago and I’ve been feeling flat since then (understandable). I’ve never dealt well with grieving after some complicated grief for my mum who died 15 years ago in her 40s.

I am just finding the whole relationship very stressful at the moment and think I always have since we’ve lived together. It’s like an underlying stress that is always there, nothing acute. It’s like it’s hard work living with him.

He’s got ADHD (we’ve only found this out in the last 3 or so years). I try to be compassionate but it’s draining. Feeling like I’m always clearing up after him.

I guess I just feel super responsible - I earn twice what he does, we live in my place, I sort out most of the admin and feel I do a lot of tidying up after him and his son. To be fair he does all the cleaning (not to my standard but I accept it), recycling most of the time and changing the bedding (I have to often remind him to do these things).

I feel quite disrespected when almost every night he leaves rubbish in the living room, plates etc, clothes everywhere. I’ve told him about this numerous times but it doesn’t really change. I just feel stressed in a messy house and it’s really small.

Sometimes he’ll drop on me at the last minute that is son is staying for longer/coming earlier which then makes it hard for me to do the washing as we have no other place to dry it than the spare room.

He is (I would say) addicted to computer games and golf. I do a lot with friends and enjoy it but feel we need to do more together. We used to have a day a week together but that’s changed due to his working hours changing.

He now has every other weekend off (great - he used to work every weekend) but I feel like he maybe doesn’t think about us doing something together.

I don’t know if we need to do more to connect - when we go on holiday together we normally have a lovely time and we’ve got a holiday in a few weeks.

I spoke to him about a month ago asking what he gets from the relationship and he said I’m his rock. Since then he’s made an effort, done loads around the house etc.

Or whether to split up. I just don’t know what I’m getting from this any more apart from a low level of stress. My work is intense at the moment (feeling a bit burnt out) and I realise I’m feeling low due to the bereavements so not sure if that is impacting my view on the things.

I never thought I was like this but I maybe feel a little scared to split up and be alone (before him I was always fine on my own).

I’ve spoken to my auntie and close friends and they’ve asked me what I’m getting from the relationship and wondering if all the little niggles are because overall it’s not right for me and deep down I know it.

I’d love any thoughts or reflections you have xx

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 13/04/2025 10:31

im so sorry for your losses, it must make life extra hard for you at the moment.

As for your relationship, it doesn’t sound as if you are getting anything positive from it at all. I’d encourage you to get rid of him and start to build a better life for yourself. Being treated with disrespect, as you describe he is doing, is not the only alternative to being alone.

all the best.

Thatsthebottomline · 13/04/2025 10:37

In short, when you start asking questions about ending a relationship.

Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 10:40

Thank you for your kind words, you are right - it’s just hard to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 10:41

Thatsthebottomline · 13/04/2025 10:37

In short, when you start asking questions about ending a relationship.

Good point!

OP posts:
WaryHiker · 13/04/2025 10:45

Close your eyes and imagine a life where you have your own place completely to yourself. You clean it to your own standards and decorate it as you like, knowing it won't get messed up. You spend your time there in whatever way you please without having to consider anyone else and their arrangements or demands on you.

Now open your eyes and ask yourself whether you are sad when you are living in that picture because you're missing the person you most want to share it with. I suspect the answer will be no, but only you know the answer to that.

Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 10:47

WaryHiker · 13/04/2025 10:45

Close your eyes and imagine a life where you have your own place completely to yourself. You clean it to your own standards and decorate it as you like, knowing it won't get messed up. You spend your time there in whatever way you please without having to consider anyone else and their arrangements or demands on you.

Now open your eyes and ask yourself whether you are sad when you are living in that picture because you're missing the person you most want to share it with. I suspect the answer will be no, but only you know the answer to that.

Thanks, that’s helpful. It feels peaceful to imagine just me here.
His family are abroad and he stayed with them for a month a while ago and I felt so calm and peaceful here.

OP posts:
Misspotterer · 13/04/2025 10:50

When there's more bad days than good. Sounds like it's mainly the cohabiting that's the problem. You could try not living together and just dating. Saying that a grown man addicted to gaming would be a no from me.

Meadowfinch · 13/04/2025 10:50

What do you get from the relationship? Does he support you emotionally? Does he treat you well? Does he cook or do the DIY? Does he contribute financially?

As far as I can see, he lives in your flat, brings his son there without asking, leaves the place in a mess, spends his free weekend playing golf, leaves you to do all the admin and earns less than you which I suspect means you subsidise him financially as well.

All that would be okish if he made you happy but it doesn't sound like he does

welshcakesandtea · 13/04/2025 10:54

I’d make no rash decisions in the midst of grief personally. Maybe you need a grown up conversation with him about how he’s negatively impacting you and how you need him to step up while you’re going through a stressful time.
I was the same with my ex when my grandmother died, I just wanted peace tbh and not have to worry about other humans for a while but it did get better (we broke up for different reasons). He sounds lazy but if he’s a decent human he’ll hear you out x

Bittenonce · 13/04/2025 10:57

I can see what he’s getting out of it. And I’d feel a bit worried that there’s a basic lack of equality here - you’ve got the flat, the income, he’s got his son round half the time, he’ll always struggle with consistently meeting you half way due to the ADHD if nothing else. Maybe your job stress and bereavement are forcing some uncomfortable truths to the surface, but I’d be tempted not to take any big steps right now, it might be the wrong time to make decisions- tough it out, enjoy your holiday, then have a serious think about whether the future really looks better with him, or without.

Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 11:01

Misspotterer · 13/04/2025 10:50

When there's more bad days than good. Sounds like it's mainly the cohabiting that's the problem. You could try not living together and just dating. Saying that a grown man addicted to gaming would be a no from me.

Yes I think when we do stuff together we enjoy it - holidays are always so nice.
It is hard us all living in such a small space, which was my place to begin with and I don’t feel they look after it as I would (stepson more than partner)

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 11:05

Meadowfinch · 13/04/2025 10:50

What do you get from the relationship? Does he support you emotionally? Does he treat you well? Does he cook or do the DIY? Does he contribute financially?

As far as I can see, he lives in your flat, brings his son there without asking, leaves the place in a mess, spends his free weekend playing golf, leaves you to do all the admin and earns less than you which I suspect means you subsidise him financially as well.

All that would be okish if he made you happy but it doesn't sound like he does

Edited

He tries to support me emotionally but he’s not great at it.
He’s recently been doing stuff like doing up the bathroom, other DIY etc.
He does contribute financially, pays some bills and also gives me money - I’ve kept him off the mortgage just to keep things separate so I pay more here.
I do tend to pay for shopping, holidays etc
I think you’re right - when I’m feeling better, I can let some of these things go as he’s good to me, accepts me for who I am, I can trust him, he’s good with my family…

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 11:08

welshcakesandtea · 13/04/2025 10:54

I’d make no rash decisions in the midst of grief personally. Maybe you need a grown up conversation with him about how he’s negatively impacting you and how you need him to step up while you’re going through a stressful time.
I was the same with my ex when my grandmother died, I just wanted peace tbh and not have to worry about other humans for a while but it did get better (we broke up for different reasons). He sounds lazy but if he’s a decent human he’ll hear you out x

This is what my friends said, wait until I’m feeling a bit better.
i do think I’ve made a bit of a rod for my own back as I don’t like conflict and just really accepting of things. I seem really laid back but underneath I’m not.
sorry to hear about your grandmother 🙁 yes I know what you mean about wanting peace!
I’ve spoken with him before (last time about a month ago after starting counselling) and he does listen and try to change

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonyKitty · 13/04/2025 11:13

Bittenonce · 13/04/2025 10:57

I can see what he’s getting out of it. And I’d feel a bit worried that there’s a basic lack of equality here - you’ve got the flat, the income, he’s got his son round half the time, he’ll always struggle with consistently meeting you half way due to the ADHD if nothing else. Maybe your job stress and bereavement are forcing some uncomfortable truths to the surface, but I’d be tempted not to take any big steps right now, it might be the wrong time to make decisions- tough it out, enjoy your holiday, then have a serious think about whether the future really looks better with him, or without.

Edited

Thank you for your words. And to everyone for being kind. I was a bit hesitant to post as I’ve never posted before and didn’t know if people might be mean.
Yes he gets quite a bit, I’m just struggling to get what I want, although at times I’m not sure what that is - I need to sit down and write some things out.
Yes, I know what you mean about the ADHD - I try to have compassion (I’m just a bit overwhelmed atm and can’t quite be as patient).
yes, it’s making me think about things more as well as starting counselling.
thank you, I think I need to not make any rash decision at the moment, it’s just hard when I have these thoughts going around in my head because I can’t quite act normally with him if you know what I mean

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 13/04/2025 16:57

Yes, I think I do (at least part) understand- almost a shame that you’re on holiday together, feels like you need space.
When you wrote about him being away before ‘it felt so calm and peaceful’ - I thought that spoke volumes.

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