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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so bad!!

14 replies

Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 09:47

So I know that my husband is a narcissist I’ve been wanting to get away for a while now but he always reels me back in for another chance. Cut a long story short he never says anything nice about me at all and always tries to put me down. He says I do nothing for him or his kids yet I pay all the bills in the house, the cleaning (he washes clothes sometimes) cooking. My kids have to wash and dry pots his do nothing when they come (all similar ages). I went out last night with an old friend completely last minute. Mother in law had our youngest and others were at their mums and dads so no children. He was being a tw*t all day so thought I’d go out. I had 32 vile messages whilst out calling me a slag, a tramp all sorts. This is coming from a guy who constantly cheated at the beginning of the relationship and I’ve never as much as spoke to another guy in our 6 years of being together. He told me I’m single before I even went out. Well I seen a guy I went school with (always fancied him) I ended up kissing him which I do feel bad for but at same time I want to be on my own but he won’t leave the home. I have no where to go with 3 children. Sorry felt the need to post to get it all off my chest 🙈

OP posts:
Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo · 13/04/2025 09:57

Whose house is it ?
Go and get some legal advice from a solicitor - you can often get an hour free, or contact women’s aid. He can be made to leave the house if you are serious about it - which you should be in this situation. He sounds awful. Time for you to get real.

Spooky2000 · 13/04/2025 10:01

You feel guilty because you have moral values and a conscience. He does not. Sounds like you're perhaps using this kissing as a justification to leave. You don't need that; as you know he's a narc. Get out and stay out. Get the legal advice first.

Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 10:05

Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo · 13/04/2025 09:57

Whose house is it ?
Go and get some legal advice from a solicitor - you can often get an hour free, or contact women’s aid. He can be made to leave the house if you are serious about it - which you should be in this situation. He sounds awful. Time for you to get real.

Thanks for replying and not putting me down for the one thing I’ve done wrong in this relationship although I was told to go out single. It’s joint tenancy I have spoken with council and applied for joint to sole tenancy however he has to agree to it when they call him. I’m hoping he does as I can’t live like this no more! We share a 4 year old together and I think I’ve been holding on for that reason. I walk in the supermarket and get more respect from shop keeper than I do from my own “husband”

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 10:08

Spooky2000 · 13/04/2025 10:01

You feel guilty because you have moral values and a conscience. He does not. Sounds like you're perhaps using this kissing as a justification to leave. You don't need that; as you know he's a narc. Get out and stay out. Get the legal advice first.

Thank you so much. Yes he is so vile with words. I’ve tried to explain to him before I’ve been in a violent relationship (3Months of violence) before. I can honestly say for me not for everyone but the constant abusive and vile messages hurt more. It’s hard to let go of the words he says. I’m a fat sl*g but he knows I’m weight conscious. When I say please have a little respect for me as I do everything I can it’s why should I respect you nobody else in your life ever has!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:09

You also have two qualities he does not have; empathy and insight.

Do not stay with such a man because of your child. He/she won't say thanks mum to you for doing that and abusive people like your H make for being deplorably bad parents in any case.

Find a Solicitor to work with and divorce this man before he goes onto ruin your lives even more.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:12

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at by your abusive H now. Going from one abuser to another is not that uncommon a scenario. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme particularly if you have not already done this.

Be on your own going forward and do not enter into any other relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier.

Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 10:17

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:09

You also have two qualities he does not have; empathy and insight.

Do not stay with such a man because of your child. He/she won't say thanks mum to you for doing that and abusive people like your H make for being deplorably bad parents in any case.

Find a Solicitor to work with and divorce this man before he goes onto ruin your lives even more.

Thanks so much. I am going to start proceedings I have no choice. I have a 19yo and 14yo from previous relationship. My 14yo said other day mum I’m not telling you what to do in life but you’re worth so much more than this. That’s hit home a lot coming from my child. I spoke to an advisor who said you can do self divorce now so going to look into doing this

OP posts:
LeonardCohensFamousBlueRaincoat · 13/04/2025 10:19

Get advice, see a solicitor etc without telling him first and see where you stand with the house, money etc. He sounds absolutely vile, you're right to want to end this. Wishing you a happier future x

Everystripesays · 13/04/2025 10:19

Honestly if this is the catalyst that empowers you to leave this awful man then brilliant. Sure it's not great to kiss someone else, but let's be real you aren't in a respectful relationship; you're trapped with an abuser. Wishing you all the best OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:20

Look at that by all means but I think you're going to need a Solicitor here. He is not going to make the process of you divorcing him at all straight forward as a further way of punishing you. He is abusive in nature and will remain as obstructive and difficult post separation too.

Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 10:21

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:12

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at by your abusive H now. Going from one abuser to another is not that uncommon a scenario. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme particularly if you have not already done this.

Be on your own going forward and do not enter into any other relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier.

My previous relationship I was with for 2 years he then got physical last 3 months and I left. I was on my own for 6 years in between these relationships. My husband started off most amazing guy (true narcissist) I fell pregnant 4 months into relationship. I never wanted anymore kids but he spoke me into keeping it and I bled early on so went for scan which was when I fell in love with my unborn. He then cheated on me consistently through out my pregnancy and until our baby was 6 months old. I think I was vulnerable at this point in life. I intend to be on my own with my children. I know he will play games with regarding our child but I won’t entertain them he’s either consistent in having him or take it through correct Chanel’s as he’s not using our child to get at me

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 11:01

LeonardCohensFamousBlueRaincoat · 13/04/2025 10:19

Get advice, see a solicitor etc without telling him first and see where you stand with the house, money etc. He sounds absolutely vile, you're right to want to end this. Wishing you a happier future x

Thanks so much. We have no worries financially as none of us have any savings. The house is council so it’s just a case of getting him to agree to take his name off it

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 14:56

Everystripesays · 13/04/2025 10:19

Honestly if this is the catalyst that empowers you to leave this awful man then brilliant. Sure it's not great to kiss someone else, but let's be real you aren't in a respectful relationship; you're trapped with an abuser. Wishing you all the best OP.

Edited

thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivexvibes23 · 13/04/2025 15:01

Thanks to everyone of you that have commented I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
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