My DH says the most awful things when arguing

[Chocstrawberry1]

We have been married 6 years.
The marriage has been most of the time amazing, and he was extremely thoughtful and kind. We had kids back to back and they are 1 and 2, and in the last year we have argued a lot more (probably due to exhaustion and getting irritated at small things) and the arguments get bigger and bigger each time.

He has started saying the most awful things that hurt me during our arguments now, not swearing, but generally how he doesn’t want to spend any time with me and how I ruin his mood and for me to stay away from him.

My mental health has been low as I am hands on with the kids all the time (he works a lot) and at the end of the day I want to have abit of time to talk and catch up but he said he doesn’t want to speak to me and wants to do his own thing.

I don’t know what to do. It was our anniversary today and we’ve had another explosive row (he never wants to sort things out it’s always me going to him to communicate). He is a great dad to the kids.

Imagine your children overhearing this in a few years Op

bloody awful

I get needing some quiet time to sit and decompress, but it sounds like he just doesn't like you very much. This is not a healthy environment to bring kids up in. Sounds like he's checking out.

He sounds horrible and he doesn’t want to be married to you

My mental health has been low as I am hands on with the kids all the time

I am “hands on with the kids all the time” but my mental health isn’t low. There will be other reasons, have you explored this?

He sounds horrible, OP. I would be sitting down with him and explaining that you can't go on this way. It's not fair on you or the kids.

Why are the arguments happening? Because you ask him to do his share of parenting? Or do something to support you? He is trying to train you not to ask or expect anything from him.

Sadly, he’s probably speaking the truth when you argue. He sounds unhappy in the marriage.

The thing is, on our good days it’s really good. We go out we have fun and he genuinely goes out of his way for us as a family. But before when we argued he would always try to sort it because we couldn’t take not speaking to each other. Now, he doesn’t want to sort anything and just ignore the problem away.

I do feel he still loves me as he tells me it and does show it, but on the bad days he doesn’t want to see me.

He sounds very unhappy in this marriage

You just sound unhappy full stop

and his response to be cruel

all in all, a bloody awful environment for everyone including the poor children

What things are you arguing about?

Often, with a young family, the arguments are about division of labour, fairness, money, and the day-to-day issues of just living.

Are these arguments actually worth the aggravation? (Usually, no.)

What are these arguments designed to achieve? (Often, the issue is about wanting to be heard.)

Saying hurtful things is highly damaging. They cannot easily be taken back and the upset can be awful.

If you (BOTH) want to save your marriage, then couples counselling might well be the way to go. If not, you both need to sit down like adults and agree your rules of engagement for disagreements. These might include for example, not saying horrible, hurtful things. Not shouting. Not talking over the other person.

So if there is an issue going on, the other person listens to what that issue is. Then you both stop and think about it and think about what the solution might be. Then you talk about it again a couple of days later with proposals for solutions.

Massive arguments destroy marriages.

Your children are likely to be hearing raised voices and angry words now; sound travels.

What is being argued about?. If he is stating he does not want to be with you etc then why is he still there?. And he is not a good dad to his children if he is treating you as the mother of his kids like this. He does not treat his work colleagues like this does he?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Love Is only one small part of what's needed here. Let's assume you love each other. But you also need support, kindness, patience, caring, understanding, forgiveness, the ability to talk and listen, the willingness to step in when the other needs it. You're supposed to be a team. Is he being a good team mate?

You need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe look at couples counselling. He needs to know this is serious - he can't keep doing this and expect his relationship to survive.

all the horrific men on here, the women always say 'hes a great dad'. hes far from a great dad. great dads dont abuse the mothers of their kids, hes horrific op, get rid. my ex h was like this and it only got worse.

If he still tells you he loves you OP have you, on one of the occasions he tells you this tried telling him how hurtful the way he talks to you during the arguments is?
Take an opportunity while he is in a good frame of mind to talk about how seriously his behaviour is affecting your whole relationship and will affect your children.

It sounds as though the pair of you are under such a lot of strain because of the pressures, mentally and physically of caring for a young family. And if he doesn't take on board the need for you both to support each other then your relationship cannot survive. He needs to accept this and be prepared to do something positive to change his reaction to the situation.