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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Problems with FIL and MIL

56 replies

OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 08:45

I'll try to keep this brief. My Fil was emotionally abusive towards my husband , he asked him to keep secrets from his mum during his childhood and at one point left his mum for a year saying he needed to find himself. He found himself with other women , not really a surprise. Fil also knew that my husband was being severely bullied (physically) by an older sibling and did nothing to stop it. My husband wants nothing to do with his dad.

Fil has returned to the family home and mil has forgiven him. The problem now is that whenever mil comes to our home all we hear is 'dad sends his love' and 'dad would love to see the grandchildren , it's breaking my heart that you're keeping them apart'. Etc. My husband has requested that this stops and that he has no wish to see his dad and given reasons but it continues.

It came to a head yesterday when the moment mil walks in she passes on love from fil. My husband says firmer than ever that he doesn't want these messages that they must stop. Mil then says , that she may as well go home if he doesn't want to be reminded of his dad and that he'll have to talk to him eventually and that they're (husband and fil) both as stubborn as each other.

It's an absolute shit show and I'm sick of it , dh is sick of it. He wants a relationship with his mum but not like this. Imo his mum is as bad as his dad for speaking like this. It's so manipulative.

Has anyone tackled this type of thing before?

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 13/04/2025 08:51

I would suggest that he takes him mum out for a coffee and says to her in no uncertain terms that he wants a relationship with her but not his Dad. However, if she cannot stop passing on these messages or talking about his Dad, he will sadly have to cut contact with her too and that includes access to the children. So, if she wants to have a relationship with her son and grandchildren, she has to respect his boundaries or accept their relationship is over.

It’s sad but that’s what he has to do. Hopefully, she will see sense and start behaving appropriately. Unfortunately, she seems to have zero boundaries herself considering the way she’s accepted her husband’s disgraceful behaviour. She may decide to cut contact with your DH because she seemingly can’t say no to his Dad. That would be a shame but at least you both wouldn’t have to put up with her trampling all over your boundaries, disrespecting your wishes and trying to emotionally manipulate you both. What kind of lessons is this woman modelling to your children? That you don’t listen to people and respect their boundaries but instead try to emotionally manipulate them? That’s not healthy and I personally wouldn’t want that kind of influence around my children.

Original poster
OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 08:58

This sounds like a good way forward. Dh suggested that he might email his mum with a lot more detail about his childhood and impact on him as an adult. He's held back a lot because he doesn't want to hurt her , but he now thinks she needs to see it all in black and white.

I don't want it around my kids , and yesterday I just wanted mil to sod off home after what she said. I was serving her the dessert dh baked for her (her favourite) and had to resist the urge to lob it at her. I hate toxic behaviour but I know I need to let dh deal with his family.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 13/04/2025 09:05

TipsyJoker · 13/04/2025 08:51

I would suggest that he takes him mum out for a coffee and says to her in no uncertain terms that he wants a relationship with her but not his Dad. However, if she cannot stop passing on these messages or talking about his Dad, he will sadly have to cut contact with her too and that includes access to the children. So, if she wants to have a relationship with her son and grandchildren, she has to respect his boundaries or accept their relationship is over.

It’s sad but that’s what he has to do. Hopefully, she will see sense and start behaving appropriately. Unfortunately, she seems to have zero boundaries herself considering the way she’s accepted her husband’s disgraceful behaviour. She may decide to cut contact with your DH because she seemingly can’t say no to his Dad. That would be a shame but at least you both wouldn’t have to put up with her trampling all over your boundaries, disrespecting your wishes and trying to emotionally manipulate you both. What kind of lessons is this woman modelling to your children? That you don’t listen to people and respect their boundaries but instead try to emotionally manipulate them? That’s not healthy and I personally wouldn’t want that kind of influence around my children.

I agree with this.
Also why does your DH blame his dad for not stopping the bullying and not his mum? Aren’t they both to blame for this?

Original poster
OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 09:10

@MrsKeats because his dad saw his brother punching him , dh was always too afraid to speak up and hoped that his dad would step in after he found out. It was fobbed off as boys being boys. Dh was 7 his brother was 13/14.

I agree that it's poor parenting by both mil and fil though.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/04/2025 09:15

Mil then says , that she may as well go home ..

What did you guys do when she said this? I think if she does this again, agree with her. Yes, she should go home.

As your dh, I'd say something like "I know it's hard on you being in the middle of this and you may have forgiven dad, which is your right. But I don't, and if you want to have a relationship with me, you need to stop trying to bring him into it."

Broken record and send her home/end the conversation on the phone if she keeps going with it.

MrsKeats · 13/04/2025 09:19

Dear me. That’s terrible especially with that age gap-your DH must have been terrified. He has every right to keep his boundaries.

category12 · 13/04/2025 09:19

She is being very emotionally blackmailing and is a "flying monkey" for your dh's dad.

BeaAndBen · 13/04/2025 09:24

I’m not sure an email will be any help.

MIL will show it to FIL, who will doubtless explain away or mitigate every grievance and hurt. MIL has already shown she will believe whatever horse dung FIL sells her.

That leaves your DH in the even worse position of having his mum know exactly what he went through and still playing messenger for the abusive FIL.

The first reply by @TipsyJoker was bang on the money. Take her somewhere neutral face to face and make it clear.

Then stick to it.

sesquipedalian · 13/04/2025 09:31

Your MIL is a fool, because you have the DGC and if she falls out with you, she won’t be seeing them. I would make it very plain to her that this will be the situation if she doesn’t stop with the FIL remarks: your DH has made it very plain he wants no contact with his father, and she should respect that. Perhaps your DH should remind his DM of his father’s year absence when he was growing up? I bet she’s tippexed over that in her mind. Your DH is going to have to be firm and make her understand that going NC with both of them is what will happen if she can’t abide by your boundaries.

AnnaMagnani · 13/04/2025 09:32

Unfortunately MIL will show the email to FIL who will explain it all away.
MIL will more than likely think the being punched by his brother was 'boys will be boys' and he is just 'being too sensitive'.

It sounds as if your DH has very understandably understood his parents as FIL - bad parent, and MIL - good parent being abused by FIL.
Unfortunately the relationships are far more complex and rather than being an innocent party, MIL enables FIL any time she is given a choice and will never have DH's back.

The relationship he wants with MIL just isn't possible as she isn't capable of doing it.

I'd suggest he reads up about abusers and enablers, and considers having therapy himself.

ClaredeBear · 13/04/2025 09:33

TipsyJoker · 13/04/2025 08:51

I would suggest that he takes him mum out for a coffee and says to her in no uncertain terms that he wants a relationship with her but not his Dad. However, if she cannot stop passing on these messages or talking about his Dad, he will sadly have to cut contact with her too and that includes access to the children. So, if she wants to have a relationship with her son and grandchildren, she has to respect his boundaries or accept their relationship is over.

It’s sad but that’s what he has to do. Hopefully, she will see sense and start behaving appropriately. Unfortunately, she seems to have zero boundaries herself considering the way she’s accepted her husband’s disgraceful behaviour. She may decide to cut contact with your DH because she seemingly can’t say no to his Dad. That would be a shame but at least you both wouldn’t have to put up with her trampling all over your boundaries, disrespecting your wishes and trying to emotionally manipulate you both. What kind of lessons is this woman modelling to your children? That you don’t listen to people and respect their boundaries but instead try to emotionally manipulate them? That’s not healthy and I personally wouldn’t want that kind of influence around my children.

This is a good idea because it will enable your husband to take control of the situation, hopefully before it arises and on neutral territory.

Lisapieces · 13/04/2025 10:17

I had an abusive upbringing in a seriously dysfunctional family and I knew this was the only possible relationship I could have had with my mother because in her eyes both she and my father are saintly. Like your upbringing both of my parents were lightly flawed and very limited emotionally.

I decided it was easier not to have a relationship with either of them. In reality your situation with your mother is how it is so you can accept the relationship with your mother as it is without battling her on these messages from your father and just not entertain these conversations from your side.

In my experience emotionally immature people are often domineering too and play the victim so it is very wearing and draining dealing with them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:42

What Lisapieces wrote.

When MIL said that she should go home you all should have agreed with her.

MIL here is her H's enabler and flying monkey. I would not have anything to do with this lady either. She made a choice here and she chose her H over her son. And she likely knew about the bullying from his elder sibling too and did nothing to prevent it. It was fobbed off as boys being boys.

She is not interested in hearing your H's side of things and has her own agenda. Therefore I do not think that your H taking her out for a coffee in a neutral setting will work either. unfortunately. She knows already and does not care that much. Dysfunctional families like your H's play by their own set of rules and the rulebook goes out the window when it comes to such families.

An email is also problematic because it will be seized upon by dad (she will show it to him) as an attack on him, no matter how carefully worded it is. Your H needs to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 10:45

re the OPs comment:
"Mil then says , that she may as well go home if he doesn't want to be reminded of his dad and that he'll have to talk to him eventually and that they're (husband and fil) both as stubborn as each other."

She will never accept, nor comprehend, that her son was emotionally abused by her H. This is because she will then have to look at her own self and choices. She does not want to do that and denial too is a powerful force. She has called her son stubborn; he was but a child at the time all this was going on.

dothehokeycokey · 13/04/2025 10:50

We had similar and it went on and on and on.
in the end no matter how both my dh and I told mil to stop with the manipulation and being the flying monkey dh went low contact with his dm aswell

you don’t have to tolerate that in your home and if she over steps the line every time don’t have it.

trust me it makes a much more peaceful
life for your dh you and your dc.

Flossflower · 13/04/2025 11:18

Everytime your MIL says something about FIL send love your husband should tell her about the other women and things he had done. This might shut her up.
He also needs to tell why he doesn’t have a relationship with his father and if she tries to make one between them, your husband will go NC with her too.

Rattai · 13/04/2025 11:36

Does your husband still have contact/ a relationship with his brother??

Lurkingandlearning · 13/04/2025 12:33

If she won’t respect his feelings he could try saying, “Oh, you want to talk about him again. Ok, let’s talk about when he….” And then start listing every shitty thing he did including what he did to her. “And this is how the conversation is going to go every time you bring him up.”

Original poster
OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 12:58

Thank you for all the responses. I 100% agree that mil is being a flying monkey and yesterday when she said that she might as well go home if dh doesn't want to hear about his dad it was confirmed. I'm now also agreeing that they're both as dysfunctional as each other and I don't want her in my home.

His brother died a year or so ago , which has made this all so much worse. Dh didn't grieve his for his brother or attend the funeral , but he was handed some photos of them together as kids by his mum 'to remember him'. These were given back and she was told how inappropriate this was with reasons.

I do think that nc might be the only option. I've even said to dh that we should refuse the Xmas gift from mil (cash) this year as last year we were told that it was also from fil and that he sends his love.

It's heartbreaking to see dh make a massive effort with his mum knowing that I can see that she's so dysfunctional and problematic. He's always shopping happily for her favourites before she visits and cares greatly for her.

I can't see him deviating from his email idea , I've pushed before for a f2f chat and he doesn't seem willing to do it. I'll ask him again though.

OP posts:
Freshflower · 13/04/2025 13:12

I cant for the life of me understand your MIls behaviour. She should respect and understand that her son wants nothing to so with his father and rightly so and say no more about it. It does sound very manipulative, she's trying to make him feel guilty, it's breaking my heart , I may aswell go home....Your husband has told her to stop and she is continuing. The MIL might be under some emotional abuse from FIL to solve this situation.
I'd say to her that you will tell her for the last time that she is not to bring up FIL in the house on these visits , if she does she wont be welcome round again. It sounds harsh but she's potentially damaging the relationship with you all anyway by continuing this. If she loves and respects you all and values your relationship, she will listen and stop. If she decides to go in a huff and say well if that's what you want and goes in a huff and acts all "heartbroken" ....then I'd leave her be. She does sound manipulative and someone who will try and use guilt as a weapon

Original poster
OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 13:17

I've spoken to him about the email and he's said that he doesn't care if his dad sees it. He just wants to get it all out there and will accept the consequences.

This will include the fact that his brother used to get his mates to beat him up and he'd drop his favourite soft toys in the toilet and dare him to tell their parents. His dad would talk to him about all of the women he was interested in behind his mum's back and tell dh that he really wanted a girl when he was born and that he was still disappointed that he didn't have a daughter. He'd also tell everyone (they lived in a village) about dh's person health stuff and Carol from the bakery would be asking him about that rash or other embarrassing , personal thing.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 13/04/2025 13:18

OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 09:10

@MrsKeats because his dad saw his brother punching him , dh was always too afraid to speak up and hoped that his dad would step in after he found out. It was fobbed off as boys being boys. Dh was 7 his brother was 13/14.

I agree that it's poor parenting by both mil and fil though.

Surely you would all be better off if you cut all of your DH's family off? The behaviour of your FIL and your DH's older brother is unforgiveable and your MIL enables it all and takes their side. This is not a healthy family environment for you, your DH and your children.

Original poster
OrangeAndPistachio · 13/04/2025 13:21

@thepariscrimefiles I agree , but I feel like it's very easy for me to say that. I think dh is still processing it all. I remember him saying to me that he didn't realise how messed up his family were until we moved in together and he had some space.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 13/04/2025 13:29

@Lisapieces and @AttilaTheMeerkat are both right. Lisapieces post is really astute as well on the subject of acceptance.

Your poor DH—he fantasizes that he can split this terrible duo into bad dad and good mum but he can’t. They are two peas in a narcissist pod.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2025 13:30

Would he consider seeing a therapist?. You may also want to read or post on the Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.