Are you the breadwinner?

[M2boy]

For the last few years, my husband hasn't had regular income. He has experimented with various businesses and short term jobs but hasn't found a 'career' or 'occupation'.

I've been working to support our family (we have kids) while he is doing lots of childcare especially in school hols, cooking, all our DIY, renovation and gardening. He continues to make some money here and there but it's not predictable or enough to support us if I wasn't earning.

We both find this set up difficult to deal with emotionally because it feels like the opposite of 'traditional' set ups where the man is the main earner. I mostly worry about his pension and what would happen if I got sick or worse.

I'm still secretly hoping he'll find a job or occupation that will provide regular income just for his self esteem. He sometimes says he's a loser and thinks I'll leave him eventually.

Are you the breadwinner in your family? What does your husband do and how do you feel about it?

I am the main breadwinner in our household and have always been. Neither of us were fussed that I was the higher earner. I shared parental leave (with him actually having more time off than me) because I could earn more on 3 days a week than he was full time. He also does his fair share of household work although I definitely do most of the admin side of life on top of my share, but that is definitely more my strength than his.

Same as a relationship where the man is the higher earner, it doesn't really matter as long as you're working as a team and one is not leaving everything to one person.

HOWEVER, I would feel very uneasy if my partner was unable to provide for our child if I were to drop dead tomorrow. Over the last 5 years we've focused on him qualifying in his career to ensure he has a guaranteed opportunity for work and guaranteed salary of at least 35k (enough to live on if he downsized to a smaller house/flat etc).

@DysfunctionalEnd
Thanks for sharing your experience. Sometimes I feel alone because none of my female friends are the main earners. They all work part time or not while their husbands are the main earners.
I'm working on not comparing myself.

My husband retrained last year and went to college to focus on getting a stable job. Unfortunately, he was let go again after 3 weeks at the first one and he feels unemployable. He is now self employed but not getting much business (yet). It's been a year. I feel so helpless watching him struggle while I'm ok.

I am the higher earner (no kids). I earn about double what DH does. He has a PAYE job four days a week working for a small company, and does some freelance work the rest of the time. He also does almost all of the cooking and shares the life admin etc. I’m fine with this because he is actually working and contributing to the household, has a good work ethic and isn’t just ‘experimenting’.

I would not be ok with propping up someone who didn’t do their fare share. Perhaps childcare changes the balance of that, but did you actually make a family decision for him to effectively be a stay at home parent? When we were TTC (unsuccessfully, infertility) we agreed DH would do more childcare as I earn so much more. It wasn’t just the fallout from him pissing about not having a proper job.

Also I don’t see DIY and gardening as any kind of trade off for not working, sorry.

I know a few women who are the higher earners, both with and without kids. But none of the men are just not really working, or regularly losing jobs.

It might be easier to handle if you made a definite decision that he’s the stay at home parent, doing the majority of the domestic workload (physical and mental) and childcare, it sounds a bit ad hoc at present. Life Insurance, death in service etc. to ensure financial stability if you fell under a bus? I assume that’s what families with a stay at home parent has in place? I’m the main breadwinner but DH works full time and pulls his weight around the house.

I'm the high earner.

This set up would be a no from me.

Has he gone to seek help for his self esteem / anxiety / depression / his whatever...?

Is he reguarly applying for jobs and doing everything he can to get back into gainful employment..?

Does he geniunely care about the strain this puts you under...? (Feeling emasculated and embarassed for himself / general pity party doesnt count)

no..?

colour me surprised

When you have children there is no room for passengers.
My dh does some diy and gardening alongside his FT job... so do I...its not anything remarkable it's a standard activity almost all adults do.

He doesnt want to be sahd... fine.

He needs to stop naval gazing and do something now...

Farting about being "self employed" would not be an option if he was married to me

@cakeandteaandcake
No, we didn't make the conscious decision of him staying home and mostly not working. I stayed at home when the kids were babies while he worked full time most of that time. Then we were both out of work for a bit and I couldn't live with the financial insecurity and started back at my old career when my youngest was 2.

I don't know what to do about him finding and sticking a job or making his business take off. It's out of my control. He is feeling so bad about it all I hate to raise the topic.

Reg. DIY and gardening. He's done £k worth of work putting in new walls, bathroom, taking fireplace out. It's not just fixing holes. He also grows veg in the garden which we love harvesting and eating.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower , when you say it would be a 'no' for you, what would you do?
He won't see GP about anxiety, he's been to job center, they didn't have anything and he has retrained.

Do you think he is ND and that is why he has difficulty holding down a job?

@WxyzWxyz , yes we have talked about ND and he shows a lot of the signs of Aspergers.

I mean its would literally say this is unacceptable. I won't continue like this.

Going to the job centre and asking them to hand him a job isn't "everything he could do"

It would be something like...

i love you and can see this hard for you but you cannot go on like this.

You have a responsibility to yourself, to me and the children.
You need to take active steps to improve this. I can see you are unhappy. Ive been patient and supportive but your way isn't working. You need to go to the gp on monday and you need to actively start applying for jobs in whatever he retrained as for at least 10 hours a week.

I need to be really clear, I cannot go on like this anymore. your options are start making an effort to change the situation or leave the marriage.
I am willing to help you and im willing to support with through this but you have to try.
If you aren't willing to try, I want to be really clear you will be ending this marriage. Not me.

Separately if he retrained in a trade (ie brickie, plasterer, electrian, plumber) he should be drowning in work
Our handyman charges £70per hour!!!

I was going to say handyman. Honestly gold dust around here if he’s reliable, skilled and speaks good English. This country is crying out for trades.
Being a tradesperson does require a few people skills and good organisation though. Could he cope with doing quotes and dealing with the public?

If you both suspect he might be ND then it might be worthwhile him getting an assessment and a diagnosis.
I didn't know until recently that autism is classed as a disability and as far as I know there is an onus on employers to make adjustments and allowances to help autistic person fit into the working environment.
He might also benefit from specialist tailored advice from organisations such as the National Autistic Society.
If it is his personality that is at the root of his difficulties finding a fit as regards employment then it's really worth approaching from that angle I think.

M2boy I'm just offering some reassurance here. I've been the breadwinner since we got together and both our children are in their teens now. My DH is a landscape artist and now runs a small gallery that he pays rent on, but predictably, his income fluctuates. When the children were preschool he was a SAHD and did the cooking, laundry etc. He is still the main cook in the house and we share housework.
When DD and DS were younger and we were quite skint- plus his business was not doing so well- I did struggle with the whole set up. However, 17 years on I completely accept it. He's a great dad, a very considerate partner and very generous when he has successful times. Your DH sounds like a thoughtful, supportive man who is trying to find work that is fulfilling, but also be supportive in the ways he can- he sounds like he's great at DIY which will be saving you thousands of pounds and, like us, growing your own food saves so much- particularly in the summer.
I'm not saying our set up is perfect, I'm a teacher, work can be demanding and hard, but this is the man I love and I would not want him to give up something that he has talent in for a 9-5 job that has a steady income, but would be less fulfilling. Our other friends have more income, a more traditional set up, some have lavish homes, but I've found a happy connected relationship is what counts the most. The traditional set up of incomes between men and women is slowly (too slowly?) shifting. What I would say is that thinking about pensions and 'what might happen if...' is sensible, but be careful, it can drive you a bit loopy dwelling on it- take it from someone who has done that. Your set up is not conventional, but if you're happy together that's fine- things will fluctuate, but you will find your way.

If it is handyman / builder. Its not usual for them to be poor at organisation.
my dad / most of his friends were builders. classically wives handled the diary and money (well in my parents friends circles) because the wads were crap.

Given the advent of virtual PAs and assistants he could outsource that side of it.
English speaking handyman can clean up (as evidenced by the exorbitant eaten in pay mine.
Who is actually £80 ph but I didn't want to admit how much he has us over a barrel 🙈🙈🙈😂😂😂

So he is having a pity party while refusing to go to the doctor even though that might help? That’s just a way of shutting you down isn’t it?

Having financial security is something we all would like. It makes no odds who is the bread winner if both are happy.

This is an issue as you sound deeply unhappy and verging on resentful for having the load, stress and bulk of breadwinning on your shoulders.

His contributions I’m sure you’d love to do, if you didn’t have to work. All you describe are projects and hobbies and what working folk do in evenings and weekends. It shouldn’t be a question of either/or.

Not impressed at his passive and verging on manipulative responses. Implying he is helpless and cannot like a grown man do anything about it. He can. People find time to do what is important to them. He needs to find a secure full time job asap or leave. The business unlikely to take off if he isn’t proactive and any job better than no job.

You’re giving up your own financial security looking after an extra child. It’s one thing to give someone a hand up but lets face it, he has a hammock by sounds of it. Appreciate he has issues but many do and work. You don’t have the luxury not to so why should he?

Not surprised you feel fed up, all work & worry your end whilst your DH is coasting which is no fun at all.

Tell him enough. Both need to reliably and regularly contribute. You’ll give him 3 months to sort out a job if not you will as he predicted be leaving. Without you enabling he would have to find a way or make one to be self supporting anyways. Sorry OP he is not helping or contributing in the ways you really him too so something has to give. You either reset your needs or he steps up.

Assuming he isn’t at home looking after preschoolers full time, then it sounds like he isn’t pulling his weight here. As mentioned above, he needs a reliable job earning regular money. This is something he clearly has managed before and so should be able to mange again. He’s had a bad experience with one job but that doesn’t make him unemployable. He’s not making much effort to find a job and shutting down your attempts to help isn’t indicative of someone who really wants change to me.
Put your foot down OP, the longer he’s off the less inclined he will be to go back.

Thanks so much all for your advice and perspectives. Lots of food for thought.

@roobard201 , thanks for the reassurance and long term perspective, super helpful and great to hear that you are now relaxed about you non traditional set up. 😊

I’m the main breadwinner. My husband left 20 years ago and has done everything to avoid paying child maintenance (mainly works cash in hand). So I just crack on with it. I wouldn’t be the only earner in a 2 parent family though. I would expect him to take any job in the interim until he found something else.

I way out earn DH. He has a job but it is not one where he will ever earn loads. His work is flexible and he is a great dad, very present. It works brilliantly for us, money is never a cause of friction.