Advice needed

[user1471238641]

Partner doesn’t consider me at all. I carry the load - earn and sort 95% of the money, do the housework, food shop, washing, ironing, look after pets, most of the cooking, 90% of life admin. Organise and pay for all holidays or weekends away. Sort any house repairs etc. They sometimes do small bits (like the food shop) but will suddenly drop it, and I have to start doing it or we simply run out of food and i obviously won’t allow that to happen.

We sleep separately and have made love twice in eight years. Until a few months ago we did hug every day and were very friendly with each other.

That has now stopped. They no longer say hello or bye when entering or leaving the house. Generally ignored when home and they have stopped coming out as a family (we now do things with the kids separately). One of us eats with the kids and the other alone. If I travel away with work, I am never asked how it went when I return. Never asked if I am ok / how my day is etc. I worry about the impact of all this on our two children. They seem ok but are clearly a bit confused by all this. I try and do a couple of really good days out with the kids a month and take them to visit extended family which they enjoy. I also get them treats whenever I can to make their days better.

Partner has struggled with mental health and is on medication, but I don’t think this explains why they are like this.

i have spoken about selling the house and divorcing but they aren’t keen and will not make time to meet estate agents etc.

seems like they are ok to carry on like this, but don’t think I can. Any advice gratefully received. Would be good to hear from anyone who has been through similar.

Kick them to the curb, this is dreadful and you're basically funding and enabling their dossing about while being an ass to you. They don't want to end it because they will have to do everything themselves. You cook, clean, sort everything and pay for it. They see you as a total doormat and you need to walk out.

Sounds like you have 3 DC not 2 OP. Hardly surprising you are at the end of your rope. Only so long you can limp from one month to the next when you are like the little red hen and one hand clapping. You’d be better off with DC and no DH. Should be LH lazy husband! What is left but familiarity (which does seem to have bred contempt) if your basic needs aren’t even close to being met. Being alone isn’t so bad. There’s something to be said about closing your front door. Having peace and one less body to run around after. Arrangement suits him. Let him stand on his own two feet and realise exactly what you do. You don’t need his permission to divorce. Get some advice. The David Terry divorce forum good for initial indicators. Promise yourself this time next year whatever happens, you won’t be tolerating the intolerable.

Oh my goodness. Do you want to make this work with them somehow. What a lazy lump you’re having to support. I’m not surprised they don’t want to divorce they’ve got everything handed to them on a plate.

Sorry I should have said that I am the husband. Came across this forum whilst looking for advice.

Lifes too short. Divorce. They dont have to agree to it for you to go ahead

Partner has struggled with mental health and is on medication, but I don’t think this explains why they are like this.

I think it may. What sort of life is she leading? It doesn't sound like she's happy or enjoying life at all.

If you're travelling away regularly, then presumably she is managing the household and kids in your absence?

Maybe divorcing will be good for you both.

Just follow through on the divorce, not sure why you're trying to sell the house before you've got the wheels in motion for divorce, seems a bit arse about face.

I'll give you the same advice as if you were the wife. Stop doing anything for her. Don't do her washing or cook her meals. Get the house valued, consult a solicitor and apply for a divorce.

Pack their bags and change the locks. They are a freeloading user. .

They're married! He can't just throw his wife out of the house.

Your relationship is dead. Time to divorce. This is no sort of life to be living.

I was wondering as you kept using the word 'they' rather than he or she so I wondered if that was a deliberate thing. You dont need advice really- you know what the answer is.

I think you’re mistaken in using the word partnership. Where is the partnership here ?
How old are your children?

Kids are 11 and 8. I work away twice a year, max trip is only 3 days.

So sounds as though your wife gave up intimacy once your youngest child was born. How long has she struggled with her MH?

I think you can support someone for so long, but after eight years you need to start thinking of your own wellbeing and future. This is no way to live.

You need to have an honest chat with your wife and let her know you cannot continue living like this. If she's not prepared to find a way to rekindle things/seek therapy then you should consider divorce as an option. Selling the house should be part of the divorce process but not the initial action. Does she have any family she could move in with if she needs ongoing support for her MH problems?

MH issues started approx 3.5 years ago and it was very frightening and serious. We got nhs help and I supported when she did not work for 1.5 years to recover. I was of course happy to do this. I cared for both kids completely during this and spent as much time as I could supporting and talking to my wife.

MH has been stable for last 2 years. I carried the majority of the load before MH struggles started.

Theres no family support for MH or anything else.

I got really upset earlier, but can’t go on anymore like this. A lot of small things build up - for example we never make each other hot drinks, I sleep separately etc.