Looking for 6 month let to leave dh

[Hooliewhat]

I want to leave DH. Felt this way for some time everyday reiterates why. No violence just a lazy Disney dad who leaves anything involving effort to me. We have 2 DC early teens. Would not do this to them if it wasn’t necessary.
My plan is to leave our mortgage free house (with copies of everything) and move into a six month let. I have savings to cover this off. Then during that six months we can work out the divorce package.
Is this bad idea? (I don’t think he would leave the house if I asked him too, I just want to tell him and go. No drawn out shite or living together while we sort things. I don’t want DC living in that atmosphere. Not really a bad atmosphere now but definitely will be when I lay down the reasons that our marriage is done.
Has anyone done it this way? I have started looking for 6 month let. Must be a 3 bed so that I can have minimum of 50:50 with DC. Not sure this is possible. Have also looked at holiday lets but prices are ££ and I worry about security/ tenancy rights. I need to get somewhere nearby so that we can share school drop-offs and pick ups and be closeby for DC when it’s not my turn.

Not yet - but is the way I would do it too

Could you negotiate a long rental period on an Airbnb?

I'm also keen to hear how other people have found it, doing it this way. Sounds smart and likely to get you the outcome you need and hopefully it will minimise any drama.

I hope it does go smoothly for you. Maybe you can report back? Good luck!

I am in a similar situation and desperate to escape but definitely would not leave the house and make DH appear as the primary carer, nor would I waste my own money on a rental as I will need it for a future house purchase. I’ve been sorting through my belongings and gradually moving them secretly into a storage unit plus getting jobs on the house done so I can put it up for sale as soon as possible. I’m trying to live as separately as possible in the meantime.

Yes, I did this 5 years ago.
same kind of reasons really, we drifted apart & I felt more pressured staying than leaving. He is a good person, good enough dad but not necessarily a supportive husband & he had always left the load for me to carry! His only contribution's really were working FT & he would happily cook meals for the family most evenings. I worked part time & felt very much like a single parent.

I was struggling with peri menopausal symptoms & needed to find myself. I knew he wouldn't leave the house, so I got my little ducks in a row. Had the conversation with him one evening. He was quiet but didn't offer me any reassurances or suggestions that we could even try to make things work out. (I knew in my heart it was for the best)

I moved into private rental within a month & don't have any regrets.

Thankfully our 3 DC were 16.18 & 21 and they managed to accept it. (They were/are still our main concern)

Initially it was awkward but we both remained respectful towards each other.
I believe he went through the emotions of resentment towards me but he never voiced or showed it to me.

We have remained amicable and although separated we haven't discussed divorce or splitting finances. No reason why apart from personal preference (a divorce to me feels like breaking our family unit! Being separated but remaining married feels ok for us at the present time!.

We have trust in each other's verbal agreements that when the time feels right we will divide the finances 50/50.

Would the teens be willing to come with you half the week? Very risky if not. It would be disruptive for them. If they want to stay in their familiar home with ex you'll have to pay maintenance.
Is it better to split the cost of the rental and take turns spending a week in it so the kids can nest until house is sold?

Just bank on it taking longer than 6 months to sort.

A lot longer than 6 months to sort

First, there’s the kids - would they accept this? There’s obviously a risk about rupturing your relationship with them.
The big practical issue will be how he responds - it’s great that the house is mortgage free, but what other assets do you both have, could either of you afford to buy out the other? If he doesn’t want to sell, things could get sticky and as PP have said, it could take a long time to resolve.
I think I’d want to know how the kids - and he - are likely to respond, and understand the practicalities of how you would split assets and both have a 3 bedroom house. Also I’d be collecting details of all assets including pensions, and speaking with a solicitor to get advice on how this could pan out.
Fully understand that sometimes you’ve just got to go - but sometimes walking away from kids and house can put all the cards in his hands, so I think you need professional advice to understand how this could work out.

What if he doesn’t want to sell or leave the house? It’s a good idea in theory but I think it’s only fair the one who decides to leave should be the one who leaves.

Get some legal advice before you do any such thing. Solicitors usually advise to stay put to help protect your interest in the house.

It may affect the financial settlements and if you're hoping to sell up, he could drag it out and be very difficult about maintaining the property and viewings etc.

Just get legal advice first.

I would personally not leave the family home if I wanted to ensure my relationship with the kids. You might technically get 50/50 but teens can make their own choices and I've seen them choose the family home in the same situation. What if he refuses to sell until the kids are 18.

I have just done this - differences being that our children are younger, we are not married, and DP was emotionally and verbally abusive. We own a property but with unequal share (75/25 in his favour) and I moved into a rental last week.
i went for legal advice, only to be told i didn’t need it (but this may differ because of marital status).
But in practical terms, I think whether it’s possible to find a 6 month rental will depend on where you live - I’m in London and it’s many years since I rented, and the world has changed a lot in that time… it’s now like the Wild West! I looked at multiple properties with agents and ended up submitting offers where I was pitted against other would-be tenants who were promising 36 month terms - the agents all told me that 6 months was impossible and even 12 months meant a landlord was much less likely to accept my offer over an alternative. In the end I used a website (openrent) where landlords list their properties directly, and I found a place at the right price with 3 beds (all agent properties I’d seen were 2 bed and more expensive) with a landlord amenable to a 6 month break clause - my hope is that DP and I can organise our finances in that time to allow me to buy a home for me and the children, but knowing it might take longer I won’t lose this place after 6 months (as it’s a break clause rather than a fixed length contract).
sorry this is long but one other important note - there is a change in the law coming in sometime (nobody quite knows when, but maybe October) which will most likely change all tenancies to rolling term, where tenants only need to give 2 months notice (at any time, I believe) but landlords need to give 6 months. It’s possible that the madness with contract-length bidding wars I experienced was agents and landlords desperate to secure long tenancies to avoid these new terms, but I’ve since been told (as I also have a buy to let property myself) that all existing tenancies will switch to the new rules when the new legislation comes in. So that’s something to consider!

I don’t think 6 months is long enough. House sales/purchases are taking a long time to go through at the moment. And he has no incentive to cooperate with a rapid divorce if he is comfortable in the family home. Also do not underestimate the mental and physical healing required from a separation and the emotional energy. I only planned to stay in my rental a year but ended up staying 3. As after 18 months i had my settlement and could have bought but he had really only just settled and i wasnt quite ready to uproot myself and the kids again. Its also a lot of practical effort to set up a new home. And yes i moved into a rental and it had zero impact on divorce or custody etc. in my situation it was the only way. I was very sensible and locked my settlement away and never spent a single penny and put it all down as a deposit on the new house when the time was right. I have owned property since i was 23 but at times have had to rent to put a roof over my head due to circumstances, i don’t see it as the end of the world to do so for a while.

I’m sorry but I don’t think it will work out and I’d get legal advice - you’re going to have to talk about this with him and separate your finances whatever happens.
The children could well decide to stay in their home with their dad.

Secondly, renting a house isn’t easy to do - upfront payment isn’t as attractive to landlords as regular income. Your income isn’t guaranteed until you’ve split legally - as you could be liable for maintenance if the children stay with their dad.
You’re not stuck but do need to have legal and personal support; if you can talk now even through mediation it bodes well for the future coparenting relationship.

My DF did this and it worked out well in the end but it’s painful in the beginning. Initially she struggled to find a 6 month let with many wanting min 12 months. She thought 6 months would be enough. She did find one but ended up staying there for 2 years before buying. She had teens too. Initially they refused to stay at hers but this didn’t last long. It was a matter of weeks of being on their own with her DH to realise how incompetent and selfish he was without my DF there to mask the issues. She stayed consistent and never spoke badly of her DH in front of them. By the time she bought her house they were down to only seeing him one weekend afternoon a week. They refuse to visit him in his new home because of how filthy it is.

I did this - I moved into an AirBnb for two months first...it seemed more expensive (£1500 compared to £1000 rental) but I could literally rock up with my suitcase, no bills to worry about, nothing to buy for it. It gave me space without practical pressure. My then 15yr old came with me (doesn't speak to her dad), my 18yr old stayed with his dad.

After a week or so to decompress I started looking for rentals and got a six month rental within a month (and with a dog!). I had an overlap of three weeks in which time I furnished the house from scratch (thanks to a 0% credit card and Ikea interest free loan). We moved in two days before Christmas.

My rental was six months but now on a rolling monthly contract so I am here until the end of June now at least. I've just started divorce proceedings but am under no illusion that I might need to find somewhere more permanent before then. I'm prepared for that and am in a much better headspace to do that now. My rental agent now knows me and is happy to put me forward for other properties if I need them (before I obviously had no history/references).

Our family home is mortgage free and we own a second property which we rent out (not suitable for me). We both have the mortgage capacity to buy each other out but haven't got to that stage of discussions yet. If it all falls down around my ears then I'll go back to our house. It would be horrendous given how things have broken down since I left, but I won't be left homeless.

It's been tough but definitely the best thing I did.